The Destructive Attraction to Unavailable People: How to Heal

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One of the most brutal but deceptive symptoms of Childhood PTSD is the romanticization of unrequited love. Loving, available partners seem boring, while those who don't want you seem to represent a higher realm of being, and give you (if only in fantasy) the experience of great love and emotion. The compulsion to love unavailable people will rob you of all happiness, and any chance of real love. In this video I respond to a letter from a woman who pours her life into creative collaboration with a man far younger who is not interested. Even while asking for help, she is caught in denial. Hear my answer to help her get free.
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[Dan_Chiron]

Another advice: when you're wounded, healthy people will feel "bland" or "too vanilla". If you find people like this around you, give them a chance, you might get surprised. When I look at my past relationships, wether romantic or not, I realize how much drama was in there. Once you've healed enough, you'll look at the past and say "What was I thinking!".

[Nariel]

If I remember correctly, the baby monkey experiment involved two fake monkey mothers: one of them was made of wire and had a milk bottle attached, and the other was made of fur, but had no milk. The baby monkey preferred the furry mother because it felt warm and safe, but as a result it didn't get enough food and eventually died. I think it was a cruel experiment, but I guess it goes to show that we need emotional sustenance even more than actual food, and if we can't have the real thing, we choose what feels the most like it.

[tmac]

I was born into trauma and have been holding my breath ever since.

[c.w.]

The older I get the more horrified I am by my mom, my last therapist wanted me to "forgive her because she tried her best" but I'm almost 40 and I still wake up from nightmares about my childhood. I mean, there's something so chilling about a mother watching their child go through the extreme anguish she caused and then punishing the child for daring to express any adverse emotions. Someone in my neighborhood told me she remembers me as the little girl with the 1000 yard stare but as my parents are so well connected and popular nobody wanted to say anything.

[sasan]

"Hope is addictive but it doesn't turn into fulfillment, hope ends up being quite depressing and then you have to do more and more in the pursuit of hope. Hope is our dope."

[justinesalt]

This thing with younger men... When a woman gets parentified in childhood, she attracts men who are looking for "mummy". At least it was my case.

[janeydoe]

I've been single over four years and in that time only unavailable or unavailable and age inappropriate men have propositioned me. They've all be straight up honest about not wanting an emotional connection and evidently they are not emotionally connected to the women in their life, either. So I am honest, too. I direct them to the adult super store for novel, inanimate sex.

[theideaplace]

I know women in their 40's and 50's think life is over... they are too old... but that's just not true... You still have lots of hormones...look youthful...have lots of energy ...it's really only in later 60's and 70's that all that changes... so don't waste your time with people who aren't available...the time you spend with them is keeping you from someone that wants a relationship and there are lots of men in those age ranges that are lonely and would appreciate a great girlfriend/wife... don't waste these precious years... get out there and meet someone that really makes you happy... don't throw it away

[Sarafara]

Listening to your videos has taught me to be more sensitive to people I meet. We have no idea what their childhood was like, what pains they went through.

[jamesbyrne]

'It's not about how young you look, it's about where you are in your life- wow, brilliant quote

[EKR]

When I started focusing on myself and finding activities to enjoy is when my limerence stopped. My limerence was at its worst when I only derived pleasure from how many dates I could get instead of finding happiness from within. It’s a cliché but it’s true. Crappy childhood fairy has helped me so much over the last couple years! ❤❤

[amylane]

Another person on YT said that limerance is “emotional masturbation”. Thanks to you Annie, I know know what limerance is, and why I have been doing it my entire life. You saved me ❤ I can’t thank you enough. Fell into another limerant situation with my friend who is married and an alcoholic and a miserable mess. He is off the pedastle and I’m on the road to healing I can’t believe of what I’m capable of when I’m not limerant 😊

[SF-cqbg]

Age 49 is roughly the peri-menopause years & there is one last enthusiastic hormonal push that can lead to a “change of life” baby with all the rush of hormones & emotions of falling in love/lust like a teen/young woman ONE LAST TIME so to speak. Not to say that on the other side of menopause, a woman doesn’t feel sexy or attractive/attracted to a partner, but many things change physiologically & emotionally. I work in physical therapy & I have noticed a pattern of women in their mid-50s through early 60s who don’t understand why their bodies hurt, why they are loosing muscle mass despite exercising & who don’t seem to understand that they’ve crossed that bridge. We make jokes about menopause & drug companies love to try to sell us pills & creams to change us back to earlier years, we don’t understand how to care for ourselves leading up to menopause & after it happens. Potentially it could be a very dangerous time if we are breaking up with stable partners to chase a fantasy one more time. And sadly, not having intelligent, cultural support to guide us leaves us very confused & distraught in what should be as wonderful a transition as so-called “becoming a woman” was in our early teens, when many of us were trapped in abusive families as CPTSD was being reinforced. It’s a lot. Take care out there!

[deliciousabundance]

"If a man is offered free sex, then even if he's not interested, he's gonna arrange for that." I wish this weren't true, but I've rarely met a man this didn't apply to. :-/

[curiositydrawsme]

“Come back from the land of the dead, with relationships that will never happen and don’t exist. That’s a ghost town. Come back! It’s full of life over here — there’s plenty of future ahead for you if you can begin to show up for it.”

… Anna, I took this beautiful invitation to heart. I don’t think I was ready to hear it before, although I definitely have described myself as feeling haunted by certain key relationships with people who couldn’t love me. I think it’s time for me to repair the broken down car which dropped me in the Ghost town, waiting and hoping for someone familiar to show up. The open road feels full of possibility. the chance to be a person and not just an embodied feeling of longing feels expansive, too.

[hcf]

When I listened to this I wondered if it was a coincidence that she attached deeply to someone unavailable just after she cut contact with her unavailable mum. Like swapping one primary attachment figure for another similarly unavailable one. I relate and it’s painful stuff. Oodles of empathy to everyone going through attachment trauma right now.

[WubiWatkins]

Neglect helped me realize how wonderful silence and time to myself can be

[jabby]

I usually don't post in public forums, but your comments about Vivian's infidelity, dishonesty and mistreatment of her boyfriend at the time was a sobering dose of genuine tough love. It's understandable considering her background, but your caring yet firm rebuke was completely necessary, both for her personally and for everyone watching. Part of healing is realizing that we just don't do certain things, no matter how badly we've been hurt.

[ziggypip]

“why doesn’t knowing that (it’s trauma) make it (limerence) stop?”
“exactly.”

[melissam]

The “I’m in a self destructive phase” thing sounds like the kind of thing a guy will say when they don’t see you as a potential partner, but want yo keep you around for casual secks. They will make some weird announcement up front about some reason why they have to treat you crappy, and then see if you will sign off on it. If you do, they have things the way they want them. I’m only speaking from a lot of personal experience here, no shade to the letter writer.