'Chore Refusal' in Your ASD Husband: Message to NT Spouses

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[stephenbyerly]

I’m a bit late, but I think I have something to add.

For me, a large part of it is about mimicry.

My father never showed me how to do anything outdoors growing up, save for mowing the yard. Couple that with issues with visual learning, it makes it almost impossible to know how to do house maintenance.

On the other hand, I was around my mother, and eventually the woman I would marry, a lot. I watched them do the household chores. And so when my ADHD was properly treated, which regrettably wasn’t that often, I could and would do inside household chores. Give me a list, and I’d do well if it was things I’d seen done a few times before.

Another part, though, was even when I was willing to try to do outside stuff, I was ridiculed or criticized, especially when I couldn’t wrap my head around what needed thrown away or what needed kept. Even the inside stuff was a struggle; I tried and I tried but nothing seemed to ever be good enough, despite my best efforts.

And finally, her frustrations with me, understandable as they were, took on a very scary dynamic. There was lots of yelling, screaming, slamming doors, thrown objects, mashed gas pedals, and the like. I just took it. Eventually she even began to take it out on my kids, at times physically, and with lots of screaming at them. It got to the point that I was scared to go outside because of the tension in the home. I was worried about an “explosion” while I was outside. I knew the stuff needed done outside, and I didn’t really want to be inside the house anyway, but if I was there to try to help take care of the kids, perhaps I could be the punching bag instead of my kids; it was something I was used to. Eventually I asked for input from other NTs, who advised me that the behavior displayed was abusive. I blame myself, because I wish I would’ve known I was like that so I could’ve fixed it.

I also didn’t know I had ASD at the time. I still don’t have the diagnosis, but given my RAADS-R score of 181, my AQ of 41, and corroboration with those who have known me for years, plus reading anecdotes, I don’t know how I DON’T have it. I’m operating under the understanding that I have it, while I seek a diagnosis, until it’s proven otherwise, but even my therapist has said she could see me being on the spectrum. It explains a lot, and to use a metaphor, if you’re trying to play one game of cards while being dealt a hand from an entirely different deck and not even realizing there was a difference, no wonder nothing made sense before, no wonder my efforts failed, and so it’s time to learn. Perhaps with some tools I can one day be an effective partner.

[parasupa]

As an ASD Husband, I have typically done more/most of the household chores for the duration of our 18 year marriage (ADHD wife). ie. Cooking, cleaning, food shopping etc. It has certainly not been easy for me. But does this simply demonstrate that as hard as it is for an ASD husband, it is even HARDER for an ADHD wife to do chores? Having said that, my wife was diagnosed last year and now has medication, which has definitely helped her a lot with the chores.

[ICsucks]

That is totally me. I have Asperger Syndrome and I have dealt with this my whole life