ENMESHMENT: BORDERLINE AND NARCISSISTIC PARENTS

This video describes the signs and impact of ENMESHMENT, which is very common in untreated and undiagnosed Borderline and/or Narcissistic family structures/parents.

From an undeveloped sense of self to frequent anxiety and hyper vigilance, and boundary challenges, the impact of an enmeshed childhood experience tends to linger long past childhood.

COURSE ON "BORDERLINE AND NARCISSISTIC PARENTS: HEALING AND DEALING WITH THE TRAUMA" COMING SOON!

**** Includes a 100 page workbook filled with educational content, exercises, tools and tips for helping you understand and heal from a complicated childhood with a caregiver who struggled or still struggles with Borderline and/or Narcissistic Personality Disorders/strong traits.

xo

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[TaylorOwen]

I always wondered why my parents seem to not want to know me. Never ask me how I am, what I’m doing, etc etc. Now I understand, they never expected me to have my own identity. I’m only an extension of them who needs to hear about how they feel, and what appliance of theirs broke, etc, etc. They HATE my boundaries and I love living 1, 000 miles away. Thank you for this content! ❤❤❤

[tbd]

My mom tries to get my kids to side with her against me about real and imaginary conflicts. It is very disturbing, disgusting and frustrating.

[SarahNissen]

My undiagnosed borderline mom died almost 3.5 years ago. It was just her and me when I was growing up and we were so enmeshed. It was such a relief to have her gone. I feel like I am finally able to grow up and discover who I am and what I actually like separate from her.

[realhealing]

This was brilliant! You explained my relationship with my mother so well. I had to be her everything and if I didn't fulfill her needs, she punished me. It was an awful way to grow up. The guilt I felt in the relationship was unbelievable. It would keep me awake at night. Enmeshment in any relationship is unhealthy. I wish I had this information decades ago.

[samanthalemons]

This is so true for my realtionship with my mom. I'm 31 now and I've been trying to keep my distance from her now and she can still make me feel guilty by texting me. Shes so mad that I'm not enmeshed with her like I was before, that she talks to me horrible now and acts like I'm against her.

[oliviahaun]

As a single parent it has been extremely difficult to deal with an enmeshed mother who also helps with child care. I have just recently taken a step back and the blow back from it has been difficult. Thanks for the reminder that I’m better off paying someone to watch my kid that will listen. She just thinks I’m selfish and crazy for taking a step back, it’s the best act of self love and protection I’ve done for myself in a long time.

[hollyisalive]

I’ve come to realize in recent years that I have a highly toxic relationship with my mother, who very much models behavior of a borderline narcissist. She has a very unhealthy attachment to me and lashes out when I assert my independence. Watching this video has been pretty illuminating.

[purplereign]

Im so happy these types of discussions are being had. For years i was told by my mother that i didnt have any trauma and i was spoiled and whining. But the bubbling rage and anger inside me all those years plus feeling lonely and lost was telling it wasnt in my head but now .... These types of things are recognized and its validating. the crazy part is all these years i feel older than i am like 30 something and im only 22 turning 23. I feel so worn out and left the midwest to California to get away from my potential bpd narcissist mother because it was too much. The rages were worse the more i was scapegoated. Its all too draining😢 but im out🎉🎉

[sandraritchie]

I am the borderline mother of I think was a borderline mother and never knew I was doing this to my children. I knew there was something wrong with me and I was under what I think was a dependent/controling psychiatrist. I never wanted to hurt my children or anyone. I didnt have the skills or knowing. Thank you for the insight into how my children feel.
Sandra

[KingMark]

The last time I tried to set boundaries with my mom, she called my siblings and told them I was being mean to her. They then called me and told me to stop messing with their mom…yet they call themselves a “support system”

[MybabyboyIra]

😭😭 I'm just tired of my mother acting victim all the time. I'm just tired but she has no where to go but here with me. 😭😭💔💔

[naomi]

my mom has borderline and is still fundamentally a sweet person, but labile and chaotic. this video describes me and my struggles today and it's so impactful to hear my story validated. it's so difficult to think on my childhood because i don't want to criticize or hurt my mom, but my programming for relationships is so painful now :(

[darfish]

I’m watching your videos to refresh my understanding of the Queen-mother in my life. Slowly we became enmeshed again after a couple of years no contact. Her toxicity is negatively affecting my life and right now I’m taking a break to reset boundaries. Thank you for the kind and gentle way you teach.

[Zekrom]

One very frequent reason for and in general enmeshment family is because when parents have their children grow up, it is not to become their own independent beings, but instead take it for granted that their kids will become a committed caregiver for them, especially when elderly. Sometimes they would switch between reversing the parent-child roles and infantilizing their child(even if they are adults), usually the infantilization will happen when the child asks for their boundaries to be respected or when they attempt to assert age appropriate autonomy, but in general it depends on what is most convenient for them, this switching is a very good sign that the parent-child relationship is enmeshed

[RS]

Only child, just mom and me growing up. The enmeshment was huge-she referred to me as being such a 'good' baby b/c I was quiet and didn't need much from her...she even stopped breastfeeding me at 3 months I think for her own benefit (taking too much from her?) and also smoked all while pregnant w/ me and thereafter (which I hated but she couldn't put that aside for my health). When I hit puberty, I became a 'b$#%@' in her eyes and difficult b/c I started to pull away and find my own interests (which were different from hers). She would often say 'we like this music' or 'we like those clothes, ' going so far as to say how tall we both were even though I was a few inches taller than her, as though we were one entity. When I'd say 'We aren't the same person, ' or 'I don't like that music' or 'I don't like this top you bought me, ' it's like she couldn't hear it OR would get angered and counter with 'well I do!!' as though she needed to override or negate me.

I parented her and was forced to listen to her relate stories from her own abuse, over and over...things that no 8 year old (or whatever age I was) should have been exposed to. I had one counselling session when I was around 15, and my mom hated it b/c she knew I was going to be talking about her and she couldn't stand that, as though she had done no wrong. I never got further counselling until I was in my 20s and away from home. No other adult was around to see this sickness and stand up for me...I felt so alone and unable to really understand what was going on with my mom, so I internalized everything. I often felt like I was going crazy.

What was massively prevalent in my mom was/is a victim mentality, rage issues, martyr syndrome. She even went so far as to say she wished she'd had a boy instead b/c she thought boys would've been so much easier (even though all her brothers were abusive to her). In my 40s I'm finally figuring out that my mom may have enmeshed narcissism, which has been so hard to pinpoint b/c she is not grandiose or overt. It's been a challenging journey, and I'm glad to finally be getting the help and awareness I have sorely been lacking. It's like undergoing deprogramming. Thanks for your informative and helpful video!

[lucylee]

Dr Kim your videos are so valuable. There are not really any other videos out there about the complex relationship with a borderline parent.
Thank you for your time and efforts!

[LindaGardner-xc]

Thank you Dr. Sage, you have hepled me to identify why I never feel at peace. Feeling responsible for averting disaster all the time, because I expect it!

[story]

Thank you for giving this validation. It does become very complicated once your own kids enter the mix.. It is assuring to hear you state so clearly that not relying on them is generally for the best.

[throttle]

You have the nicest videos, always kind and gently urging us in the right direction. Thank you.

[afal]

Good stuff, all true. Hard to grow up an enmeshed son of a narc mother. Going no contact was the only way free, but it's so, so, so hard to do (the guilt is insane).