YOUR MOM IS TRAUMA: ENMESHMENT/TRAUMA BONDING WITH YOUR MOM

This video is about enmeshment and trauma bonding with mothers, and was made in response to the days long emotional flashback I found myself in after reading Jeanette McCurdy's new book. We explore how the heart of traumatic, trauma bonded and enmeshed relationships with mothers can cause lifelong dysregulation, identity, trust issues, and attachment wounds, as well as what it takes to work on healing when your mom is trauma defined.

FREE CHECKLIST: DO I HAVE NARCISSISTIC AND/OR BORDERLINE PARENTS?

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Please check out my courses (LINK ABOVE):

1. BORDERLINE AND NARCISSISTIC PARENTS: HEALING AND DEALING WITH YOUR TRAUMA

(*This course is designed specifically for you if you were raised by parents who had Narcissistic, Borderline or significantly Emotionally Immature parents.)

2. RE-MOTHERED: TRANSFORM YOUR WOUNDED INNER CHILD INTO AN INTERNALIZED, LOVING "MOTHER"

(***This course is designed to help you learn to heal your inner child AND your inner parent if you experienced a complicated childhood or challenging relational wounds).

3. IDENTIFYING CHILDHOOD EMOTIONAL ABUSE AND NEGLECT (FREE COURSE)

CHECKLIST IS INCLUDED IN ALL 3 COURSES!!

xo

* Additionally, I am only able to work with California residents for weekly therapy once available. If you are interested, please also add in a few brief details in your email including your reasons for seeking treatment, current diagnoses, concerns, etc.

Thank you so very much, and I wish you love and healing on your journey.:)

[therapymeditation]

No other figure can disguise abuse as love, like a mom.

[chelsea]

My mom actually told me one time “why would I see a therapist? You’re my therapist.” That was so messed up to me.

[sarahholland]

I'm so tired of people telling me "all mothers love their children". No they don't. Some, like mine, had kids because that's just what you do, not because they really wanted them. Some, like mine, wanted a perfect little robot and deny it any affection & regard every human need & trait that it has, with utter contempt. Some women should not have children. Thank you for your insight in this video, it's really helpful.

[bchristian]

The damage for me is the loss of my 20s and 30s. That's something I'll never get back.

[Rose]

I find it ironic that these entitled birthers want to wear the *mother* crown, but want their children, even small children, to have the maturity to parent the parent and themselves while also forcing these same children to stay children. These "mothers" get angry and resentful should their children outgrow them. "How dare you create your own family and put their needs ahead of mine? I am your *MOTHER*. You owe me your very existence!"

[MWW-tdkp]

Yikes. I would tell my daughter about my problems too much when she was little. I did not realise what I was doing until one day when she was 10 she said "Mom, I'm a kid, this isn't my job, it makes me sad". I was suddenly struck with the realisation that I did to her what my mom did to me. My mother never apollagized when I told her years later. I did appologize and told my daughter that I should never have done it and that it must have been hard for her. I told her to be a kid and that she did not have to listen to my problems to show she loved me. I then started journalling if I had no one to talk to. I pray that I was not too late when I stopped doing this. I am glad my daughter has boundaries and was able to tell me. It happened because I was so derailed by my "problems" that I was not able to see the beautiful and delicate child infront of me. It is not a kid's job to be an emotional support. Sure, now and then they can give a sad parent a hug. But they should never feel it is why they are here If I remember my childhood, it made me grow up too soon when I took on my mum's problems.

[dipaschall]

I’m finally finding healing from a narcissistic mother relationship at the age of 70. What a waste. It breaks my heart that I’ve wasted so much time hiding out, cave dwelling, finding fault in myself, failing at all relationships and just basically feeling totally inadequate for this life. I’m finding healing also by getting closer to God. I am realizing that no matter what, I am NOT alone.

[ladennayoung]

I am a mother, but it frustrates me how we put mother's on pedestals and act like they can't ever do any wrong.

[realhealing]

When you grow up in a toxic family system you have to retrain yourself. I have to give myself more time. I have been brainwashed into servitude for decades. People pleasing, working for love and acceptance. I am no contact but the damage is done. Decades of abuse doesn't go away in a few years. I need more time.

[AHHHHOK]

For me now at a stage where I've realised what my mother is, the flaws in the relationship and now started therapy, it's opened my eyes to how much panic is within me. If my partner seems "off" I automatically panic right into my core that he's mad at me. And I want to fix it. It's so hard to feel that way, and feel like everyone's mood is a reflection on YOU. Especially as it makes you feel self centred too in a way.

[Alice-mvpj]

I had to go no contact with my abusive mother. Recovering from her abuse, first time in my life I've not been suicidal. It has taken me 33 years to find myself. It hurts, but she's dangerous to me. Not all mothers love their children, mine hated me with passion .

[Asa-wvzb]

I was meant to see this. I am at the age if 50 and my mother is the narcissist and it's only in the last couple of years that I have realized that this is what she really is. I didn't have the knowledge about narcissists earlier, I just called it an abusive parent and I didn't understand her behaviour, why she is the way she is. I was severely abused by her and she destroyed my life, my relationships, everything. I only went no contact little over a year ago. I have been looking for safety all my life. I avoid, avoid, avoid. Everything you mentioned, it's me and my life. I only let people so close and then there is that wall. I can only be around other people for very short periods of time because social interaction drains me. After a conversation with someone I pick apart everything they said, how they said it, what tone of voice they had when they said it, if there was any hostillity is their voice etc etc. I look for signs of anger and try to figure out how to be to avoid confrontation. It takes so much for me to process a meeting with someone else and I analyze everything over and over to try figure out if they are friendly or not. Always feeling uncertain of my value in the company of others and how they might view me. Trying to please them so they wont dislike me. So, I have become a people pleaser. Fear of making mistakes because I wasn't allowed to make mistakes and my narcissistic mother always changed the rules so I never knew what todays rules were, so I developed "tentacles" trying to "feel in the air" what mood she was in day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, not to displease her, so she would love and accept me. She could beat or verbally abuse me and after that I had to crawl for her and was mocked if I broke and cried, not even being allowed to have my own feelings. Constant gaslighting, "I never said that", "I never did that", "That never happened", "That's not what happened", "You are just being sensitive", "You have a vivid imagination" etc etc. I have a brother and she mostly targeted me, but my brother was there to witness her abuse and he got some of it too, so when she in recent years have tried to gaslight me when I have confronted her about things she did and she says "That never happened" or "You have a vivid imagination", I have replied that me and my brother must share the same vivid imagination then since we share the exact same memories. She also have tried shifting blame to make you out to be the one in the wrong. She then claims to be the victim and her needs comes first. I live secluded from life and others because of fear and even mail dropping in through the mail slot in the front door scares me because everything outer could be potential bad news and a threat so I panic when I hear mail dropping in the door. Anything entering the bubble I have created (inside my home) to try feel safe scares me. I have struggled with eating disorders during the years, it's either complete starvation in periods where I get sickly thin or losing control and overeating as a way of trying to soothe myself with food and getting obese, up and down in weight like a yo-yo. Can't calm myself down, been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, depression and OCD. I think my OCD stems from inner chaos so I have all these different outer OCD patterns to try create outer order to try soothe myself. I often have suicidal thoughts that come and go. I have reached out for help but even there there is barriers due to me putting up walls and trying to please even the therapist. I don't know that I'll ever heal from the trauma I have gone through, but it helps knowing that I am not alone and that the abuse wasn't my or my brothers fault, that there was nothing wrong with us, but that it's her being a sick malignant narcissistic individual. Videos like yours give strength, validation. Thank you! 💚

[laurenbrogan]

Enmeshment trauma is so invasive. I am still separating myself from my mother. The mother wound runs so deep. Thank you for your videos and hope you have a great weekend!! ♥️

[jeweloholic]

This reminds me of a statement by Margaret Mead, the anthropologist. She wrote we suffer from our parents because we were raised in a nuclear family, away from extended family. In primitive villages, Mead noted an absence of adolescent rebellion, including mental and emotional problems in adults, because the village raises the child. There are so many influences to help the child and to help the parent raise the child when many people are involved in the nurturing.

[thementalmusician]

My mother was very much like this. I wrote in my blog that she didn't want a child as much as a pet. I was basically supposed to be her emotional support animal. It was all about me supporting her emotional needs whereas mine were disregarded or even treated with hostility. Then I wondered why I grew up to be such a people pleaser. No contact and LOTS of therapy have helped me immensely but it's an ongoing process.

[Apocalyptiseptical]

Im 46 and im just realizing how insidious the trauma bond is, how many times did I try to start a new job/life in a new place/country but hearing her voice always pulled the guilt cord in me and it was painful not to see her again. Only when I would cancel my plans and go back to mom was I in my uncomfortable comfortable spot 😢it’s so sad because had I known then what I know now I’d not let this hold me from doing what I wanted to do with my life! I would have been free to start a family or be with someone I’d love and could return this love. Kinda sad I realized this and only feel safe when alone. But what peace ;)

[brookew]

Yep! I was her therapist, her mother, her friend. I grew up with an adult in the house. But I do not know what it’s like to have a mother. I hate when people say all mothers love their kids. Mine does not love me. She is not capable of loving anything or anyone.

[kcee]

My mom groomed me to believe her to be an actual saint - to the point where I willingly wrote letters of my affection to her. It was sick and such brainwashing

[kayess]

I blame my maternal grandmother full stop for how she treated my mother and what she did to my mother that left her so traumatised that she ended up enmeshing her daughter

[debbiee.]

I have a trauma response every time my mother tries to control me and I’m in late 40s. When I began setting boundaries, she told me to get a new therapist because ‘ they must be awful’. I got so tired of her petty jealousy, competitiveness, and envy when I would share something good about myself. I understand she is a hurt person too but it’s her responsibility to heal and I will not take care of her anymore. I felt like a hostage anytime she contacted me so I had to set a healthy distance for me. It has been very painful and I grieve but I learned to protect my life by detachment from her.