Re-Parenting - Part 4 - Special Occasions

*****
*****
For most people with Complex Trauma, they have many painful memories about Special Occasions. But Special Occasions that are done in healthy ways are vital to creating healthy people, families and societies.

*****

Become a Member!

Understand the Development of Complex Trauma in Your Life
Online Course: 12 Basic Needs

Discover how Addictions are Formed and Find Healthy Ways to Cope
Online Course: Addictions + Complex Trauma

Learn How to Parent Yourself and a Child with Complex Trauma
Online Course: Parent Bootcamp

Ready to Dig Deep and Learn Tools to Recover From the Negative Effects of Complex Trauma?
Online Course: LIFT Online Learning

DISCLAIMER:
Tim Fletcher is not a doctor or licensed therapist. Tim’s videos are for informational purposes only to provide understanding, learning, and awareness about complex trauma. No information published here can replace professional evaluation, diagnosis, or treatment.

[DarthTwilight]

This is eye-opening on so many levels. I am realizing that how I have been thinking is SO VALID, and that I am on the right trick.

[wilspencer]

Sounds like my childhood and family! As an adult hearing this gives me hope that I can heal!

[CM-uotq]

I'm relearning how to live after Insanity, selfishness and laughing at our fake society. Thank you Tim! 🎉

[thattracyperson]

Thank you for this. I'm still feeling from my traumatic divorce and having to rebuild my emotional OS, so to speak. These videos are a Godsend. ❤

[mediabreakdown]

I have watched many videos from this channel. Some have made me cry. But this is the absolute hardest one. I have so much trauma around Christmas. I know that sounds bizarre. But I do. I’ve just had too many Christmases that went horribly wrong. And…when I got into my first romantic relationship., I expected my partner to somehow make up for all of it. To make the most magical Christmas ever. It was extremely unfair to them, and it did not go well.

[jcepri]

This guy has openes my eyes to just how incredibly dysfunctional my family was. I feel very depressed about it ans oddly relieved it wasnt my fault. My parents were not equipped to be parents. .

[yvonneshanson]

Thank you so much! This was so timely for me as I'm in the midst of leaving my narcissistic mother after one more gut wrenching Christmas with her and my dad. 😥

[carrie]

So speical occasionsbare a good way to remind ourselvs of our growth. I will think of my own important dates and nake them speical occasions on my calander.

[noname-pzkb]

Does anyone else hate doing family pictures?

My mom used to insist on pictures after family gatherings. After sitting through hours of tension and distress we had to ‘stand together’ and fake a smile for a picture. Everyone hated it. But for my mom I think looking at a static picture of people with smiles on their faces meant that things were alright after all.

[chrisrendino]

Thank you Tim. I have wondered for years why these days come with doom and gloom thoughts.

[pinargeneci]

If I try saying, No to my mum now, she will give me her usual lecture on after everything I did for you, all the sacrifices I made for you. My mum is your classic narcissist that boundaries do not work on. I usually give in to her just to get her to back off and I’m now 39 married with two kids. I grew up with, you respect all adults just because they’re adults.

[LR-yumx]

Very valuable discussion for me. I can remember many happy holiday on my uncle's farm between the Mountains!

[maguyjabbour]

Wawww you are amazing tim what a blessing you are for us

[noname-pzkb]

I still haven’t figured out how to properly celebrate my birthday. And I get depressed around Christmas.

[claireisva]

I live alone and am very isolated. I do see my adult children but not usually on the actual date of any special event so connection isn't possible. I'm not sure how to build them into my life.

[smustipher]

Special occassions often meant getting stood up by absent parents, witnessing substance abuse, or having the occasion forgotten or overlooked altogether (birthdays, graduations, etc).

[OWLsRoost]

Birthdays. Nothing like the good ol' birthday whoopin' to make a kid love, love, love birthdays. Don't forget the one to grow on! Dealer's choice: pinch or a harder whack! But, at least there were Birthday presents and cake, right?

[mores]

This maybe explains why I would destroy my own drawings mom pinned up after she again screamed at me out of the blue. I felt it was a sham. It hurt so much when they pretended to be proud of me.

[lauragaddy]

S.O.S. What about your spouse? I mean... Why isn't the logic that you adjust traditions to make them more meaningful for yourself, your kids AND your spouse? My husband used arguments like the ones your offering to remove yourself from meaningless family traditions to justify and validate removing himself from our marriage. He experienced childhood trauma and then used said trauma to explain that he could not stay with me. He said he is not responsible for me, and he has too do what is good for him. It was just what he had to do for his trauma. I felt like a mere casualty, something to be cast off. Thing is, I did everything I could to please him. That is not to say I am perfect. It is to say I worked really hard at it, and It's hard to identify the things I could have done to make it better. I was a friend. I celebrated his wins. I (gently) challenged his unhealthy behaviors. I was avaliable. And I worked on me, my own personal growth. I wonder sometimes if it was the way I expressed my frustration. Like when he would disengage from the family, I would remind him, (insert our child's name) needs you. Maybe instead I clould ha e just simply asked, "Is something bothering you that makes you want to isolate from our family?" The hard part part of this video for me is to hear the argument that if the tradition isn't working for you, it's OK to drop it. My husband dropped me just like I was a meaningless tradition, an obligation, a tired commitment. I was just 34. I wonder: When is rejecting something, or in my case someone, a healthy part of healing from trauma (I wasn't part of his trauma. He said I triggered past trauma when I had an expectation or when I questioned him) and when is it toxic cruelty? I have tried to hold space for the idea that I am just too much for him, but that is so hard because I gave it everything I had and successfully avoided all the usual tripwires (i.e. nagging, over spending, selfishness etc.)

[chilloften]

Someone is mad at me on Christmas Day and I’m walking on eggshells. My attempt to repair was dismissed and it feels horrible. I’m hiding out now and do my want to eat. I want to run, away.