THERAPIST EXPLAINS: Affective Responsibility

I really struggle with feeling responsible for other people's emotions, including my therapist. I constantly analyze people to ensure I know how they are feeling so I can respond appropriately. This is an exhausting habit of mine and causes me to not be able to meet my own needs. It is especially unhealthy in therapy because I am so concerned with how my therapist is doing and how I make her feel. She has very healthy boundaries with me and has not played into this issue at all, I believe it really is a me problem. I think it causes me to hold back in session because I don't want to make her sad. For context, I'm definitely an "empath" type and was a parentified child of a single mom. Do you have any advice?

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[ksyushaxd]

I've always thought I had a 6th sense for people's moods and actions but turns out it's another manifestation of anxiety lol

[dianab]

My mother made me feel like this. I had to tip toe around her to spare her feelings and how she reacts. It's very exhausting.

[DoNDiPzOsH]

Needed this, literally have been second guessing myself because someone in my life made me feel as if I was responsible for how they felt instead of them taking responsibility for their own emotional responses.

[admirbarucija]

While I don’t think we’re necessarily responsible for other’s emotions, if we end up hurting someone it should definitely be acknowledged! :)

[neilchhibber]

I totally am this way. I often feel envious of others who can just be themselves and not have to worry about others think/feel. Being an empath can be so tiring and can hold me back from so many opportunities.

[ethelmoniquedomingo]

I swear Kati has magic! Her Monday videos are almost always EXACTLY what can help address my CURRENT struggles!!!

[kanalintu]

When two apologizers meet:
"Oh no I'm sorry!"
"I'm sorry I made you feel like you had to apologize!"
Then it spirals into singularity of apologies.

[MrJoon]

We are only accountable for our thoughts, words, and actions. We can't control the way someone else interprets the things we say or do.

[jspider]

My mum often joke-blames me for things. Like "you made me burn the toast" when I've had absolutely nothing to do with it. While I don't remember ever taking on the blame (because it's obviously not mine) I think I probably take on the shameful feelings some of the time.

[xfaroutzx]

From personal experience, being a people pleaser and worrying about other people getting upset exists due to the fear we have about our own anger or rage. We're projecting and avoiding a part of ourselves. The first step to getting over this is to start asking yourself why do other people have more rights than me? Why do I have to worry about their feelings? What about my be surprised that when you start questioning yourself, you'll start having anger come up....sit with it and tell yourself that you have rights to feel what you do and your feelings are JUST as important as everyone else who you keep worrying about. It's a process but you'll find slowly that this tendency to put other people's feelings before your own will disappear. You're find a healthy balance.

[_just_TK]

I DEFINITELY saw this behavior in my ex who grew up in an abusive home w/ 2 Narcissistic parents. They were CONSTANTLY trying to anticipating my needs & making assumptions about what I needed instead of just LISTENING to me.

[zendynamite]

This line of thinking really enables so many abusers, especially narcissists, and it's just not true. Emotions are reactions to internal and external stimuli. If someone punches you, you don't choose to bruise. Same with feelings. If someone willingly hurts you, you aren't choosing that immediate hurt.

[myaccount]

I really get this and can definitely relate as someone who was a major "people-pleaser". Learning to set those appropriate boundaries really helps a person to develop as a person.

It also made me think of the other side of this, as abusive people tend to use the "Look what you made me do" excuse. I think that impacted me a lot before I was able to set boundaries.

[conversationswithkat]

I have suffered from this since I was a child, and I'm 43. Thank you for sharing this 🙏 ❤

[snuffyscorner]

I always feel "in the way", and I constantly apologize. I'm going to have to watch this video a few times as I sense the truth I'm having difficulty internalizing it.

[MabelRD]

Im so happy that youre near one million subscribers. I subcribed when you were under 100k and seeing your growth makes me happy.
Thank you for always helping us get there together holding our hands and listening.
Thanks to Sean also for being there all the way with you❤🇩🇴🌷😘

[puppys]

I felt this exact same way about my therapist. He told me almost exactly the same thing Kati said. I’m still working on it and sometimes it slips out. I just wanted the person who asked the question to know that you aren’t alone in that, and that it can be worked on for however long it needs to be worked on. You got this🌻

[mentalhealthandus-tztl]

I don't think that we are responsible for other peoples emotions all the time, but we are responsible for how we react to other people's emotions. I think that there is a time when we can be responsible for other people's emotions if we do something that may be good or bad towards them. For example the joy of throwing a surprise birthday party and the recipient being overwhelmed with joy, I feel in this case that this is a good thing to be responsible for a making them feel so happy. Also there are times when people deliberately go out to cause hurt and sadness and guilt. Then that person should be responsible for their actions causing bad emotions.

[sophiamosca]

A school friend of mine that was controlling and toxic would tell me that she can’t control that I got upset because she said something very hurtful to me. It can be harmful to say that I am “choosing “ to feel this way.

[jaybeetee]

I struggle with the opposite of this. A toxic person in my past would often behave and speak in inconsiderate, hurtful, or insulting ways, but if I tried to talk to them about it, they would say they didn't "make" me feel anything, and that they weren't responsible for my emotional state. (One might guess, this didn't seem to work in reverse and I was somehow often responsible for that person's feelings, decisions, and reactions).

Of course I understand the truth of what is being said in this video, but I've never quite managed to come up with a good "answer" when abusive people have used this sort of language to avoid accountability or put blame back on the person they have mistreated? There's still some kind of gap in my understanding here. I did eventually sever contact with that person, but I'm still not sure where a reasonable line should be between holding others inappropriately accountable for my feelings, versus the idea that people can treat me however they like because they're not "responsible" for it.