Therapist Explains Transference & Countertransference

What's Anya Mind?

In this video, I'm sharing a question I get asked a lot: is it normal to be attracted to your therapist?

This question can be tricky to answer, as there is no single answer that applies to everyone. However, in this video, I'm going to offer some tips on how to deal with this situation and determine whether or not it's something you should address with your therapist.

Whatever you decide, I hope you find the advice in this video helpful. If you have any other questions about this topic, please feel comment below!

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Theme Song:

[sarahwb]

This happened to me in the past, where I developed romantic feelings and attraction towards a therapist. Thankfully having read about similar situations, I was able to understand that he did have traits that I was looking for in a romantic partner, but I needed to find those same traits in somebody who was actually romantically available to me. After I accepted that, the feelings went away on their own after a while, so we were able to continue to work together which was really important to me.

[LorenCognita]

I notice that I form attractions to men that I can have meaningful conversations with without feeling like they’re just trying to talk to me to sleep with me. Like the typical “work husband”, a “male best friend” etc. Even if they’re not the type I would normally be attracted to. I can definitely see me falling for my therapist if I even decided to go to one lol

[meganmccusker]

I had an amazing therapist help me SO much with trauma and self esteem. I’ve seen many helpful therapists but she was the first to help me make noticeable change. I don’t feel a romantic attraction but I became attached like she is a mom or friend. She recently moved away. I’m grieving. I feel like I lost my mom and I didn’t realize I’d become so attached. I am reminding myself I hired her to help me love myself, not to love me or be my friend, and i have made huge progress with that! I’m letting myself be sad for a while. At first I had some shame pop up but thanks to all the tools she taught me I am being kind and gentle with myself.
Thanks for talking about this topic! I’m sure a lot of us feel this way when someone shows us all this love and caring. Therapy can really stir some stuff UP 😂

[hellaSwankkyToo]

TBH, even if the content doesn't apply, i click the notification + watch to the end, not just to support but mainly to hear the theme song. LOLOL 🤭😆 every. time.

the harmony, the melody, the music -- i'd empty my wallet just to get a full version. i've no idea what the lyrics would be but i've heard enough of NDO's work to know it'd be worth the download. LOL it's catchy + plays on repeat in my head (sometimes out loud 🤪) the rest of the day.

whaaaAaaAAat's AAANYA 🤣EVERY! TIME!

SO clever! 🤩

[MrStevo]

When I tell you I have been trying to remember the words transference and counter transference for the past like 6 months and could not for the life of me recall them???? 😂😂😂 Thank you for making this video lol

Going back to your prompt about commenting our therapy styles, I had to stop going to a therapist that I had because she was…..almost like a piece of rubber. She sat there and listened, which is obviously part of what y’all do, but she never talked about herself, offered advice, gave an opinion, etc. I don’t do well when I feel like I’m the only one sharing, it just makes me clam up and say something surface level or “mold” the conversation in a way that’s more beneficial for my comfort level at that time lol I was just having conversations with myself out loud it felt like lol I kind of told her in a nice way that if I was just going to sit here and come to the conclusions myself anyway, that there was no point in me paying to speak to her because I could just overthink myself into the same conclusions alone instead of out loud in front of someone 😅😅😅

[barbikusz]

Luckily I am not in this situation in any way or form but it was really nice that you have talked about different "styles" of therapy. For a while I was feeling that my therapist is a little bit cold and distant for my liking but at some point something has changed - not that she shares a lot about herself in the sessions but now she talks a lot more, not necessarily as advice but rather summarising what I said or how she sees I feel about the topics we are talking about, or more reassuring towards me. Since then I feel a lot more comfortable during the sessions but I would not consider her as my friend, she balances the relationship and the dynamic pretty damn fine.

[jsish]

Great explanation of transference and how limerent bonds can form in therapy, 👏🏼 feels accessible and client-centered. Great tips on how to navigate it too.

[GingiviticCinemaMaya]

I've experienced this, it's so painful knowing that nothing can happen between you and him, because it shouldn't. But it helped me realize what I actually need in a romantic relationship. We shouldn't be ashamed of our emotions. Greetings from Bosnia and Herzegovina.

[tainav]

Loved hearing your thoughts on this! Such a great video about a touchy topic.

[cjjohnson]

Damn that sounds like a situation I had. I was seeing a therapist for depression and anxiety and it was hard to open up to her about my issues because she was so damn attractive. I never made it known that I was attracted to her because it would’ve been embarrassing letting someone know that knows you have issues know that you are attracted to her 😳. It got to the point where I just stop going all together. I ghosted her

[kaylan]

Thank you for another great Video Steph 💕💕

[OldSoul]

We needed more classes in this in graduate school..

[ilikemaline]

I was seeing a male therapist for a short while, we stopped because he took a year off work and will probably go back this year. It was interesting because I haven't had good relationships with men ever really and I saw it as an opportunity to just be myself with a man who listened and supported me and didn't make it sexual (I always felt treated like a piece of meat and hypersexualised against my will by men) because he couldn't if nothing else. I did start having a crush on him but I also took it as something normal and kind of expected. I want to go back because I want to have a reperative experience with a male therapist, I had wonderful female therapists but it's not the same. I plan on talking openly about the topic and stop if it gets too much.

[rmy_Youtube]

Oooo this is a juicy topic!! Excited to watch! Thanks Steph Anya!

[JonathanS-kizn]

I love your videos Steph! You explained these processes really clearly.

[PCStPierre]

Hey Steph Anya, loved your theory overview videos, helped me get my LMFT. Great info above.

[jaliselynn]

Gained a new subscriber! I have heard your theme song when my husband is cleaning the kitchen! Haha and a friend shared today! I loved it!

Thanks for sharing :)

[kid-ava]

I'm feeling this rn. my feelings for my therapist fluctulate alot. sometimes I dislike her or feel a sense of rejection over things she says and does and feel fear about how effective our therapy will be (what she's trained in vs what I need long term), and other times I just love her so much. I already thought she was attractive just looks wise the day we first met, but sometimes she'll say and do things that make my heart skip a beat or things that are so relatable, funny, cute. last time we met I just wanted to kiss and hug her so bad. ughhh her being a new, younger therapist thats closer to my age doesnt help either. but I told her my feelings over text and she said we can assess it next time we meet so I'll have to see what happens

[ikylm]

What about not negative feelings with countertransference? For example, a client that the therapist feels exceptional empathy for because they have gone through similar traumas and the therapist sees themself in the client. How do you handle that and maintain boundaries?

[MD-stwi]

I did prefer my therapist to share a little of her life with me. It helped me to trust her and to finally open up. I worked a lot better thanks to that and she pulled me out of depression. But, of course, it ended up in romantic transference… Which I had to deal with after.