Passive-Aggressive Language

What is passive-aggressive language? In this lesson I talk you through examples of passive-aggressive communication, which happens when a person is angry but their anger is not directly expressed. You’ve probably experienced a situation in which someone tells you that everything is fine, even though that person is actually angry: this is an example of passive aggression. I'm not recommending that you communicate passive-aggressively! This lesson is designed for you to learn the different forms of passive-aggressive communication and typical phrases people use, so that you can improve your own communication and express your needs more directly. It will also help you to recognize when someone's confusing behaviour towards you is being driven by passive aggression.

TRANSCRIPT

Hey, everyone. In this lesson we're going to talk about passive aggression or being passive aggressive. A passive-aggressive person finds it really hard to say what they really want and what they really need, and sometimes they feel like they can't directly be angry. So their words come out as if their words mean: "That's fine", or "That's okay", or "I'm feeling good", but actually the real meaning of what they're saying is opposite. The words, if we just listen to the words, they're not showing that the person's angry, but the true meaning of what they're trying to say shows that they're not happy about something. And if you wondered why I'm wearing this cape today it's because it protects me from passive-aggressive comments in my videos.

So let's have a look at the different kinds of passive aggression. This will help you to get more of an idea what it is. We've got overt passive aggression and covert passive aggression. When something's overt, it's obvious, it's more obvious, we can see it; and when something is covert it's like hidden.

So let's start with overt passive aggression, the more obvious kinds. Someone... Someone's not happy with you, they can give you the "silent treatment", that's when they're just like: "Umph." They won't talk to you, they're sort of ignoring you, and they want you to know that you're really pissed off with them, you're really angry with them, and you're so angry you can't talk. So it might be for a few hours, it might be for a few weeks. Sometimes married couples don't speak to each other for weeks if they do this silent treatment thing. When you give someone the "cold shoulder" that's when you're around that person, but you make no effort to be warm to them, to be nice to them. It's a bit like just... It's a big like ignoring them or just showing that: "Oh, I don't... I don't... I don't want to know you. I just don't want to know you." And a very clear, direct way of giving someone the cold shoulder would be if somebody said: "Hi" or maybe wanted to shake your hand, and it would be so direct if you just didn't shake their hand or you're like: "Hi", that sometimes happens.

Now let's look at covert passive aggression. This is when it's less obvious and sometimes you have to really think about it: "What is this person doing? Am I...? Am I mad? Am I making this up? Is it true?" Okay, so now I admit that I have been once very skilled in the arts of passive aggression myself, and one of my jobs when I was 17 years old, I worked in a fake Italian restaurant, and I hated this job. And one of the ways I showed how much I hated it was my job was making... Making desserts and serving the drinks, and one of the ways I showed I hated this job was to put the desserts on the plate in a way where they looked as bad as they possibly could, but only just passing. So the... So the waiters would still take them out, or the manager of the restaurant would come and look at it and think: "This looks... This looks bad", and he would be a bit annoyed with me, but he would still take it because there's more things to do. So in my little teenager head, every time I made those desserts look bad, I was like: "Haha, hahahaha. Ha, I hate this job." Right.

Moving on to "procrastination", that means taking a really long time before you actually do something or get it done. So, have you ever been in a situation where you ask someone to do something for you and they keep saying: "Yeah, in a minute, yeah, it's just coming, I'm just about to do it", and it still doesn't happen; you have to ask them about 10 times? That can be a form of covert passive aggression. Not every time, obviously. It just... It depends if someone is always doing it.

"Constantly late" is another one. Sometimes if people just don't really care that much, they'll be late and late and late, and also sometimes they're late because they... They just find it really hard to say: "I don't want to meet you at that time that we arranged." They find it really hard to say: "I'd rather meet at 7."

[taylorlaumer]

Also adding on to the "If you say so" and "Fair enough" responses there's also my all time favorite, "If you insist." 🙄

[IgorPetriyov]

Dear Jade, you are more a Psychologist than an English Teacher! This your video was very helpful for me with the psychological side! Bravo!

[jeff]

Whenever someone says "Can I ask you a question?" I reply with "You just did."

[miykaylataylor]

Fascinating, i didn't recognize that i could be using passive aggression in school- leading into my addiction of procrastination😟. Thanks for the video😅

[SouthernGryphus]

It's nice to see another video from you, your personality sets you apart from everyone else! It's really like you are giving us a taste of your true self, not as others who hide behind a fake character.
Keep it up, teacher Jade!

[natashaservo]

Thank you for bringing these passive aggressive mind game examples to light. It helps me know I am not crazy when witnessing it. As an immigrant living in Seattle I continually hear people state as a given that it’s a predominantly passive aggressive culture. So it’s a lifelong project for my straightforward self to navigate this subversive manipulation 🙄

[dclarke]

I need one of those capes in my closet! 😂

[livingwardit]

This helps me see my unhealthy habits and inspires me to be more honest, thank you!

[jfloyo]

FYI...forcing someone to be rude to you vs ignoring you is not the right trade off... people don't need to get emotional verbally with you just because you respond to only certain forms of communication

[vladimirskrynnik]

You're getting to be my favorite teacher. You're genuine and brave. Not everybody would have the courage to bring up that crafty remark about the hair allegedly sticking out from your nose. Anyway, anyone who had the slightest notion of decency would never ever have said that to you in comments. Cudos to you.

[winterahmed]

This type of lessons is very good, and I feel it's kind of treatment in fixing relations and simplifying understanding between people... Thank you for making life easier.

[CanaryBlack]

So what's the correct way to express those feelings? What should be said instead?

[ajlndga]

Facial expressions were priceless! So funny to watch 😂

[jfloyo]

The way a person communicates is the way they communicate...one way isn't better or worse than the other

[acward]

This is scary how often you hear these things in everyday life. I’ve even been known to use some myself - scary! Great lesson and well presented as always.

[thereap]

Can the behaviour of a depress person be mistaken for some of these behaviours?

[giacomolorenzo]

If you want to protect yourself from passive aggressive comments, maybe you should avoid making fun of filipino accent.

[Miffinloop]

These are accurate, but let’s not forget there is also another kind of toxic people who will accuse you of being passive aggressive when you’re doing all of the above as part of your life and not on purpose to anger someone.

[MathewBall]

They say you learn something every day I just learned I'm Covert Passive-Aggressive!

[anam.s.]

Yay! Jade's slaying! You know, we teachers learn to detect the intentions behind a person's speech... Always. I'm happy that you don't let yourself fall down due to evil people. They exist everywhere. By the way, I think you're an excellent English teacher. Who said you weren't??? You're not afraid of showing your personality and I'm sure many students love you for that reason.