Esther Perel ON: Finding Love & the Real Reason Couples Break Up

Esther Perel talks with Jay Shetty about how the quality of our relationships affect our daily life, the right mindset when seeking love, creating a connection, or keeping a partnership, and the biggest relationship challenges during the pandemic.

Belgian psychotherapist Esther Perel is the New York Times bestselling author of The State of Affairs and Mating in Captivity. Her celebrated TED talks have garnered more than 20 million views and she is also the host of the popular podcast Where Should We Begin?

What We Discuss with Esther:

00:00 Intro
02:17 The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives
04:37 Relationship challenges while in quarantine and lockdown
08:55 Approaching a relationship at times of pressure
13:26 Resetting expectations of ourselves and boundaries of our space
18:23 When you’re putting an effort but your partner is unresponsive
22:14 Skills we lost in the pandemic and the skills we gained
27:47 Playing the ‘Where Should We Begin?’ game
33:58 Asking boring questions makes you feel that people are boring
36:48 Relationships about death, sex, and money
39:48 The intention or mindset one should approach love and relationships when seeking out a partner
42:57 From feeling madly in love to then feeling out of love, when they weren’t truly in love
45:36 What are the deepest, truest root reasons that relationships fail?
52:00 Have you been affected by the experience of infidelity in your life?
57:21 When to break up and move, when to stay and hold on
59:55 Fill in The Blanks
01:01:30 Esther on the Final Five
01:06:30 Meeting people who are truly happy and purposeful

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Jay Shetty is a storyteller, podcaster, and former monk who wants to make wisdom go viral. He loves taking his own life experiences, lessons from his time as a monk, and truths he has learned to make others’ lives better.

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[kirstienotkristie]

It’s conversations like these that make me feel so grateful the internet is a thing.

[destinedtarot]

I can listen to her for ever. She always explains everything so logically

[grant_the_barrister]

“Love is a verb … it’s not about finding the right person it’s about being the right person”

I had to pause and write that down.

[dorothea_walland]

i have so much respect for this woman. all dimensions: what she says, how bright her observations are, how curious and skillfull she is finding out things, and also expressing them. and also the deep motivation behind it, why she does it. just hats off. 🙏❤️

[Emma-fzbw]

I remember first hearing about Esther 2 years ago during a terrible breakup. Searching for answers, Ms. Perel's words were like music to my ears. Forever grateful for stumbling upon her wisdom. Fantastic video Jay!

[evarose]

I just finished watching Esther Perel's Ted Talk, Rethinking Infidelity and I- am in just an awe how much wisdom this lady possess with so much class and dignity.

[gavinspeaks]

To everyone who came across this comment, nothing is ever a coincidence. This is a reminder of your joy, happiness and abundance! It's now time to show gratitude and to step into acceptance. We have already manifested everything we want! Believe it is here, and you shall receive.
~ Much love from a Law Of Attraction YouTuber💜

[serenajuhuisuh]

Dance between how I hold on to you without losing me and how I hold on to me without losing you. Wow.

[kimberley-zlvl]

So good. I’m a young, very alive 67 yr old woman recently divorced ( after 40!yr marriage) and I love this conversation. I actually also sent it to my two boys aged 28 and 32. So important to have these conversation. Thank you

[JennJ]

Hearing Esther opens my eyes in another way. Phrases like creating a Lifestory than a Lovestory... or Love is a verb. It is interesting how wrong we could be in our thoughts. She also mentioned about being the right person instead of seeking the right person. Thank you. Thank you. I hope to be a better partner person after this.. Meditating on these new perspective.

[MM-yizn]

Esther is tremendous. She comes from a family that experienced serious loss. That’s why she understands relationships & how they can survive despite many difficulties.

[jannicechesney]

She is phenomenal. My brain feels fresh listening to her

[TadanoCandy]

I’m here because I’m in a happy relationship that I want to keep happy. My dad was a lazy, indifferent and defensive husband to my mom, which doomed their marriage. I am similar to my dad in personality, and I’m deadly afraid of making the same mistakes as him.

[richardeliasjames]

Yes, lack of trust is a valid reason for breaking up with someone. Being able to trust your partner is one of the key elements in a relationship, along with honesty, faithfulness, good communication and loyalty. If a relationship has none of these very important factors, then the relationship is doomed to fail from the beginning . You don't want to be with someone just because everyone else has someone, then you're doing it for the wrong reason. I hope this answer helps you!!!!

[lorrainewilson]

My relationship failed ..
Or now I see that very differently through listening to Ehster..
Sometimes we are just not compatible...without compromise & effort it's just won't work ..
When he needs more, I step up ..when I need more, he can step up ..
It is not a job of equals ..it is a job of give & take ...
And remember ' playfull' ❤️

[jane_project]

I am single but I love Esther Perel so much. I have learned a lot from her. And following all her talks like you Jay, I admire her a lot too. I love sharing your thoughts and topics.

[AhmetKaan]

*To everyone who will see this comment, I wish you health, wealth and success...*

I believe in you! 🖤

[AhmetKaan]

*To all the dreamers out there, don't ever let the world's negativity disenchant you or your spirit. If you surround yourself with love and right people, ANYTHING is possible.* 🙏🖤

[alaalfa]

Love is hard because people think they are looking for the most gorgeous looking and perfectly looking person with extreme charisma and hairdo and muscles..its true only partially and very short term …..while their soul is looking for person who speaks less and is humble and modest full 0f wisdom, empathy, humor creativity and compassion. The physical looks is just some short term decoration….that creates short term pleasure.
But the empathy and values create long term love and long term benefits effortlessly…because both are very inspired by each others emphatic personality and humor. Humor puts people together. Bug I don't mean vulgar humor, but nice humor.

[linachiodo]

She could be the smartest …most wise and real person….always learn much from her. She is brilliant