Finding 'The One' - Esther Perel

"How do I know when I've found The One?" - Austin, Baltimore, MD

This idea of finding "The One" is problematic for relationships. The paradox of choice creates a real sense of anxiety for people looking to find a long-term partner. The expectations of this one person to satisfy all of our many emotional, physical, and spiritual needs is a tall order for one individual.

Perhaps, instead of looking for a person who checks all the boxes, focus on a person with whom you can imagine yourself writing a story with. And there are no perfect stories.

--

[basicbase]

and that's why I love this quote "The capacity to be alone is the capacity to love. It may look paradoxical to you, but it's not. It is an existential truth: only those people who are capable of being alone are capable of love, of sharing, of going into the deepest core of another person--without possessing the other, without becoming dependent on the other, without reducing the other to a thing, and without becoming addicted to the other. They allow the other absolute freedom, because they know that if the other leaves, they will be as happy as they are now. Their happiness cannot be taken by the other, because it is not given by the other.
"— Osho

[GabrielKerr]

This is the clearest and most sound advice you could possibly get on the internet about dating advice. Unbelievable.

[elysia]

"There is not one person who can give us everything."

[AamirAalamShah]

every couple has issues-- the questions is which issues you wanna deal with, you pick this person you will deal with those issues, you pick that person you will deal with other issues. well said.

[NA-mhuf]

I knew my husband was the one because when I was around him, I felt sooo calm and at peace, I was content even if we were just doing nothing ❤️ 11 years later and he’s still the one and I’m more in love w him today then I have ever been.

[pearlmcj]

This makes me think about a wonderful line from The Good Place: “You don’t find your soul mate. You choose your soul mate.” The person who is “The One” for you is going to be the person who wants to face this crazy thing called life with you, through all the ups and downs. They’ll be the person who chooses you, and who you choose.

[elysia]

"Every couple has issues. The only question is which issues you want to deal with. You pick this person, you'll deal with these issues. You pick that person, you'll deal with other issues."

[peipeiguo]

She is so intelligent! You pick this person, you deal with this issues, you pick the other person, you deal with the other issues. It is so true.

[tel]

bam...she broke it down....Love Esther

[monicatoro]

The last guy I dated thought I was “the one” for him. Trying to meet his expectations made me physically sick. I loved him but I felt too much pressure on me; I wasn’t happy, but I loved him and wanted to make him happy by being with him and being perfect for him. Of course, if you’re not happy everything will be just worst and worst. Don’t look for “the one” please, look for a person you want to take care of and who you feel is like your best friend.

[natashakuzmanoska]

When i was 17, I've asked my mother: How did you know that my father was THE ONE, when will I be sure that somebody is the one?
My mother replied - When you DIE - in the meantime you will doubt yourself sometimes more, sometimes less. It was plain and simple and removed "the one" concept from my mind. I was expecting some story when I saw him the light shined....

[sf]

It's a bit unrealistic to expect someone to be meet all their needs lol...relationships are not like that at all, that's why we need to provide that for ourselves. Shared values, interests and attraction is incredibly important...I love how she puts all this information together, she's not only a realist but a very wise woman who explores the topic in a way that is illuminating, I like this woman, she's smart!

[coppersense]

She's exactly right. No other person can give us the inner validation we need. We must know and love ourselves fiest, the way our Creator designed, before we can love another out of the overflow.

[bwbs]

"I want with you, basically, I would normally get from an entire community" such a true statement about modern dating! It goes to show that even a seemingly unrelated issue like 'dating' hasn't escaped the break down of community

[taytayl]

Yes!!! I say this too- everybody has issues, you just have to decide what kind of issues you are most willing to tolerate. Simple. Great video Esther, thanks :)

[parisaarttherapy]

The one is the person who being with him or her doesn't require you to change. The connection is effortless and you are at peace with yourself in this relationship. Old saying is the relationship brings the best out of you.

[finding.gemstones]

0:15 the idea of the one & choice
0:49 what does the concept of "the one" mean?
1:23 the one being phenomenal
1:47 the wish-list / community vs. partnership
2:46 Esther's message
3:06 how to define the idea of "the ONE" new
3:31 "write a story together" <3
3:47 your choice :)

Thank you, Esther.
J. :)

[pmlover]

I just discovered you on a TED talk episode, and I can't tell you how much I admire your wisdom, honesty, and wonderful humor. I dream of being your research assistant one day. These difficult topics are fascinating to me because they reveal how frail we are and how much the deck is stacked against us the moment we are born. What you are doing, sharing your insights, help shine a light, is the kind of humanitarian endeavor that is very much needed right now in our world.

[BarbaraMarieLouise]

Yes! That’s true! The description of „The One“ is more a description of God. And in order to have a healthy relationship one should never expect from the other one to be God but to love him in his qualities and his brokenness.

[AvaniVee]

I've heard Ester a few times now and I've really tried to embrace her way of thinking, but I can't help but feel having listened to her carefully that she is a proponent of keeping the idea going that humans have to be in a relationship - or relationships - in order to survive. This notion is archaic. The problem is that society does not teach people how to deal with life or let alone live life. Society operates by large within a framework of unrealistic conditions and expectations - you're born, you grow up, get a degree, get married, have children, and retire. That's the basic life template and most people are living that life - but are they REALLY happy? Nope. Because they haven't learnt how to deal with the curve balls life throws at them, and they carry that baggage into their relationships. You haven't found the tools to help you deal with the heaviness of life. You can't constantly look at others to help you or point you in the right direction. I think it is unfair to expect someone else to solve your problems. At some point, you need to stop and figure stuff out for yourself. Finding a partner is the worse thing you can do when you're not in the correct headspace. These are things nobody tells you, you only find out when you end up in a relationship with someone who is slightly unhinged. I wish people would realise that you have choices in life. You don't always have to be in a relationship. Learn to spend time with yourself and discover who you are, instead of waiting hand and foot on somebody else to make you feel better about yourself. If you believe someone makes you happy, then they can make you unhappy. If someone can fall in love with you, then they can fall out of love with you too. That's the natural order of life. But people do not know how to deal with some of those harsh realities that are often experienced in relationships. Sometimes people elongate their relationship, when really it's time to let go. It's finding that balance of knowing when to stay or go. There is freedom in loving and taking care of yourself without being dependent on someone. Be in a relationship that compliments who you are as a person, that accepts you for who you are and allows you to flourish. If you're in a relationship where the person is constantly asking for compliments, pouring their problems onto you and expecting you to fix everything, and when you can't fix it, they blame you for not caring enough or being enough for them. The question then is - 'was that worth it?'. Get out of that relationship, it's not a good place to be. All this emphasis on relationships and connections and the human condition. The longest relationship you will ever have with anybody is yourself - learn to appreciate and enjoy that - and choose carefully who you give your time, wisdom and love to!!!