Dating: Setting the Pace Without Scaring Someone Away - Esther Perel & Dr. Alexandra Solomon

"I'm a single male in my 30's. I do a fair amount of dating both through apps and in-person. One thing I really struggle with is the confusing dance that me and the potential partners do around our expectations. How can I be assertive or find out more about where they are at, without pushing them away, or make them feel like I'm forcing them into a situation that is very serious right off the bat?" - Alan (New York, NY)

For today's Moments video, I am joined by Dr. Alexandra Solomon — licensed psychologist and clinical associate professor at Northwestern University, as well as teacher of the most popular university course on relationships, Marriage 101.

It's difficult to navigate expectations, boundaries and the ambiguity in the early stages of dating and building a relationship.

What are the rules of dating today? Who should take the lead to drive the pace of a relationship?

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[CJ-ftyo]

Esther is a relationship genius on many levels and I love the way she can succinctly get to the point in one sentence while others waffle on for 10 minutes without saying anything

[mel]

Esther answers the question at @4:03:
Be straightforward, tell the person you like them and are interested and ask them how do they feel about your attitude, if they're comfortable with the pace you're willing to set or want to take things slower.

In case you don't want to hear doctor Solomon, who doesn't really contribute anything.

[llamaverde]

The key point here is when she says: "say these things not from a position of insecurity but a position of assertiveness". And I agree totally to that. However, maybe the question comes from someone who is looking for that security in the other person (or in the relationship itself). First you solve your insecurity issues and next you can challenge a person to enter in a deeper relationship.

[valvara]

I LIKE YOU. CAN 👏🏼 YOU👏🏼 DEAL 👏🏼 WITH👏🏼 THIS 👏🏼.

[mrazik]

Omg this lady beats around the bush for 3 minutes, than Ester comes in and says something solid!

[lolar]

"I like you ¿Can you deal with it?"

[onlyme]

The hard thing and the irony about being so honest is that it takes a certain amount of intimacy to do. And if you're still trying to establish that intimacy then it's a bit catch 22.

[pmlover]

Esther, you're my hero . Love that final comment--can you deal with it lol

[allenmciver]

If you tell something the truth and they push back, give them the gift of your absence. If they can live without you, they will. If they can't they will reach out to you. That is one think I learned from the pick up community. All questions must be stated without emotional weight on the outcome. Are you in or are you out?

[TiffiniTruth]

Be honest about your dating intentions. SIMPLE AS THAT. If you're marriage minded, let it be known on the first date that you're not dating to date forever. If you're not, let it be known on the first date that you want to date casually and see where it goes without an intention. Just be open about your goals and stop being afraid that will scare people away. It will clear the path to find your person.

[jasminehouston-burns]

"What does he do with the truth that gets him pushed back?"

Phenomenal question. Would have loved to have heard a bit more from EPerel about what about someone's truth, or their perception of their truth, that can push potential lovers away.

[MREScout]

The quote, "I have 5 other ponies in my stable that I'm trying out" is absolutely the issue with relationships and expectations with relationships. If you're with someone, be with someone. Don't be half in but still keeping options open. If you feel that's what you need to do, you're with the wrong person. End it with them, and move on. Men, be men... when you find the one that laughs when you fart, marry her.

[narona]

I like this video because Dr. Solomon gives such a broad answer with little direction that simply tries to encompass everyone’s personality. Perhaps something with a more focus, self respect and confidence would be a more substantial answer. However, in her defense, her answer simply reflects the scattered cultural pattern of today’s dating scene in the US culture, and perhaps some other cultures as well. I like Esther’s direct point because she exemplifies how to be confident about what you want and how to go for it. However Esther, the only challenge I see here is that a very high percentage of US peeps are conditioned to be confused, self focused, avoid attachments and to be content with shallow relationships. The question is - how do you deal with that and is there a chance for a cultural repair? Keep up the great work - you are music to my ears! 🙏 and thank you for being here! ~ European/US fan.

[antje]

As a single woman in her 30s, I would like to give a shoutout to whoever guy that is self reflective enough to ask that question!! After yet another disappointing experience in which I thought, guys in their 30s haven´t changed much in their mindset since their 20s, despite having been married for a long time and having kids, this is encouraging, that their are still a few out there that consciously try to improve communication!

[chilloften]

It’s best for me as female to pace it slow so as to not become emotionally attached to quick before actually knowing a soul. No pump & dump bs.

[cosmicflower]

The Clinical Psychologist gave a great background to understand Alan’s issue. I liked when she said ‘speak your truth!’ - then Esther wraps up the action plan. Great suggestion in only 5 minutes. Thank you!

[leannesmith]

"I like you, can you deal with this". - love that!

[leofeza]

I love Esther Perel. I can't help it.

[AlinaBefu]

Dr. Solomon is talking so much without any real answer! I think she has no idea how to respond and she looks unprofessional with all that gesture.
Thank you Esther for the real answer!♥️

[ArborProTriCities]

Messages/thoughts for an indecisive and skewed generation. The ease with witch people interact in the dating world sets a stage for confusion and confidence challenges for most men. Gender rolls are reversed often, one can hardly be taken seriously. My praise to the lady saying be confident and state your interest! Also except no one who is wishy-washy, they may be distracted, jaded & aren't ready for the real thing.