How To Be An Adult with Julie Lythcott-Haims | Rich Roll Podcast

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FILMED AND EDITED BY BLAKE CURTIS + DAN DRAKE

00:00:00 - Intro
00:03:12 - Rich & Julie’s past / Stanford alumni / Miserable Lawyers
00:07:54 - Julie's Experience with Over-Parented Young Adults
00:12:26 - The Rise of Helicopter Parents
00:17:46 - Generational Shifts in Parenting
00:20:01 - Our Kids Are Not Bonsai Trees
00:24:31 - Importance of Vulnerability and Human Connection
00:27:36 - Developing a Sense of Agency
00:31:30 - Finding Your Path Takes Time
00:35:15 - Being in a Miserable Job and Making a Switch
00:40:58 - The Plantpower Meal Planner
00:42:33 - Naomi Osaka & Simone Biles / Prioritizing Mental Health
00:46:12 - Julie's Experience as a Bi-Racial POC
00:52:51 - Race Relations at Stanford University
00:54:16 - Sports Programs Cut during COVID
00:56:21 - The Social Obstacles Young People Face Today
01:05:03 - “Your Turn”: A Road Map, Manifesto and Primer for Young People
01:08:33 - Julie's Health Journey
01:13:57 - Sharing Personal Experiences To Be In Service Of Others
01:15:59 - Writing About Advice that is Inclusive
01:18:01 - The Concept of Fending
01:21:23 - Finding the Middle Ground between a Helicopter Parent & Negligent Parent
01:25:12 - Overconsumption
01:26:22 - Talking to Strangers
01:28:15 - Stop Pleasing Others
01:30:23 - Rethinking Education
01:38:13 - Advice for Young People / The Next Step After School / Odyssey Years
01:43:59 - Lessons on Saving Money
01:45:44 - 5 Steps for Having an Important Argument with Your Parents
01:49:56 - Not Projecting Expectations on Our Children
01:54:05 - Finding an Affordable Place to Live
01:55:09 - It's Not a Failure to Move Back Home
01:58:26 - Re-Patterning Relationships with Children
01:59:58 - Setting Up Expectations for Success
02:01:15 - Modeling Good Behavior
02:03:51 - It's Good for Parents to Share Their Struggles
02:06:01 - Teaching Kids How to Manage Their Finances
02:09:57 - Closing Remarks

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Hi I'm Rich Roll. I'm a vegan ultra-endurance athlete, author, podcaster, public speaker & wellness evangelist. But mainly I'm a dad of four. If you want to know more, visit my website or check out these two the NY Times articles:

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[ritasewell]

I was blessed to be raised by saying and loving parents. I am 68 and had a lot of freedom. My dad cared so much for my mom he did all kinds of chores wash the floors helped with meals and her nursing uniforms. My dad told us when we were kids my job is not to make you happy my job is to successfully raise you to be functioning contributing adults in society he never let us down we all lodged we all are there. Thank you

[MelodyProsser]

I heard of Julie Lythcott-Haims for the first time today and it took me all of thirty minutes to fall in love with her. Now I have to pick up her books. This was such an amazing conversation! Thank you both!

[susanconnelly]

I was so excited to wake up this morning and see Julie Lythcott-Haims on the podcast! I’m 53 and raised 2 kids to be adults with the help of her book How to Raise An Adult. I found this book to be spot on as a guide for myself and my kids to help them grow and navigate in a world where they had been held back by helicopter parenting. I always knew something was off by that approach and her book helped me to confirm that we had been doing them a disservice. Gen Xrs have so much to offer the Gen Z’s by giving them permission to make mistakes and that having fears are part of everyday life. Battle scars should be a badge of honor that a life full of experiences will help bring self-esteem, compassion and forgiveness to ourselves and others. Learning through doing will allow you to give respect to yourself and others. Not everyday is a “gold”star! But when we have one we can cherish those few moments and move on with the “business” of life. That’s what makes a life worth living. Peace, plants and namaste to Rich Roll. Your podcast is making an impact. That’s what your podcast does.

[Kiwiwanderer]

100% this is so good. Every parent of a newborn needs to watch this.

I’m the daughter of 93yo traumatised uneducated WW2 refugee immigrants. We were raised tough…no hugs, no guidance, no praise etc. work hard be miserable.

So my brother, sister & I wanted to give our children EVERYTHING. We ruined them - spoilt, indulged, lack resilience & drive.

I’m the odd one - my brother & sister hugely successful in sport, university and career and wealth accumulation.
I had learning difficulties, adhd etc and my daughter too ….i could only afford to indulge her till about 10yo ….our lives was more chaotic, poorer, transient etc …..I couldn’t afford to over indulge her ……so when she left school like me at 16 with no education it was straight into a full time job, always had a strong work ethic, just like me and my parents.

By 22yo she had saved $130k for her first property in the hot Auckland market and now earns a $100k per year (still with no education). My siblings children flunked university, still live at home and indulged due to every mental illness or gender issue excuse.

My daughter lacks friends due to her adhd and has often been unhappy but still persists and gets stronger.

I read anti-fragile by nassim taleb …and he says it’s companies / people who get used to managing flaws, weaknesses and errors will thrive ….because they are used to it. The earlier children learn to work with use themselves & their resources the better. … it’s training for real life.

Real life is not easy and that’s ok. Get the skills that you need early. It’s disrespectful and harmful for parents to take away the practice runs from kids.

And yes I watched Julie’s Ted Talk years ago and completely changed my parenting strategy …even though I wish she was born a littler earlier and did the Ted talk earlier lol

[leighn.]

@1:29:56 - "People tend to gravitate towards people who feel self-actualized like it was an energy that person emits that makes them infinitely more attractive than the person who is needy or coveting favor." YES to self-actualized people let's have more of those, please.

[erinnicholl]

This is without a doubt the most import podcast I've ever listen to. I have an child of 19 months and I could see myself in a lot of things discussed here. It's really opened my eyes to the importance of giving a child the space to becoming who they are and not how I think they should be. Thank you

[cosmopolidanu]

X gen here, a girl that was expected to be the best in the class, a woman who's learning to let go and just be. touching. beautiful. thank you for sharing your Story.

[mamaraine]

Wow--if you ask a question out loud, the universe will answer!! My 22 year old son just asked me yesterday about when I first felt like an adult. I told him I would think about it and get back to him because I wasn't sure of my answer. This was amazing and will definitely watch this again with him to start our conversation. ❤

[lisamurphy]

I'm not a parent or a young person, I am going to read this book for myself.

[laetitialemuet]

Thanks both for this amazing episode. I am not such a young adult anymore, i am 35 and just got a baby, but this episode resonated in me as an adult who still wants to build herself and as a young parent who wants to do the best to help her child grow in our always changing environment. Thank you so much!

[MegaRoteschorle]

thankyou so much for the sentence:" in childhood somebody else would look after you- if some of your parents could show up and did show up to take care of you" it`s the first time i heard someone pointing out the reality of those without parents, without it being the main topic of the conversation- thankyou <3

[happinessbeginners]

How long have I been waiting for this video I cannot tell you. Thank you for finally broaching it. Someone needed to bring up the topic and hopefully many a podcaster will follow your lead. Most of what is taught on these podcasts our wisdom Choice discipline Etc self-care Healthcare responsibility basically how to be an adult without saying as much things that we were not taught in school. I come from a very dysfunctional background. Neither of my parents worked my entire life and my family was very chaotic I was the only one in my family to go to college I didn't know what I was doing. I made a lot of those mistakes that you when you look back you wish you hadn't. And I didn't see a horizon after college I only knew that far. After that I didn't know what you were supposed to do no one in my family has ever owned a home I'm the only one in my family with a college degree. There is no role model for what you're supposed to do how you're supposed to be. My parents were not helicopter parents they were the exact opposite. I managed to graduate college with an honours degree but then I've spent my life struggling to figure out the basics I'm currently working as a custodian. I've been using podcast to try to grow myself up. I don't think it's just a particular generation although it's very relevant to this specific generation. I think there are a lot of adults for a variety of reasons at a variety of Ages who hasn't matured much past 14 1521 and the skills that serve them then no longer serve them at 40. They honestly don't know how to change. Thank you Rich for finally going there. Hopefully you will expand on this topic hopefully others will follow. I think there's a large group of people that could benefit from this type of subject material

[lindseymiller]

Rich, this has been (by far) my absolute favorite of the hundreds of episodes of your show that I have listened to thus far. Julie, I so deeply thank you for your insight as a skilled trades employer and as a mother of a "tweenager" that I am desperately searching for wisdom on how to not mess him up. As parents, we usually aim for giving our kids a life better than what we grew up with, yet we can only draw from past experience which makes me/us feel inequiped to even begin to offer advice that would resonate or be applicable to these young minds. You have given me some invaluable insight and language that I can use immediately to facilitate deeper and more meaningful conversations with my son and my employees. I truly appreciate you and I hope you know that your works are spreading good in this world! 💗 I just purchased all 3 of your books on Audible and I cannot wait to dive in!!

[carolpessin]

I am so excited to hear Julie I’m 77 healthy flexible working Artist mother grandmother, I am learning so much I am so grateful, it is so helpful thank you Julie

[EveningTV]

Thank you for the message of this podcast as it is not usually what is out there. I constantly feel like I did everything wrong as a parent because I gave my kids space to figure things out. I did this intentionally at first and then when my marriage was turned upside down this happened because I couldn't help it. As a Gen X latch key kid myself, and I was more engaged and available than my parents had been but I was also putting out fires constantly. So, when my sons ended up not fitting society's definition of success, I was fine with it as long as they were, but when they struggled, I guessed that all these fussy parents must have known something I didn't. I couldn't have done what they did anyway, but saw this as a failure. This talk reminds me of a time when my kids were young and I was worried about them and a wise woman told me that my children have God just as I do and it isn't me. That was a relief then as it is now, and ultimately I believe it is true.

[tmpeoples]

Wow, this was such a refreshing conversation to listen to, very timely and spot on. Thanks Rich for having Julie Lythcott-Haims as a guest!

[umrahsaleh]

Wow this one really brought the tears. What a beautiful conversation.
For my future mother self.
Thanks Rich -this was a delightful way to start the week.

[flyingcrew]

Just beautiful words from Julie. So heartfelt and vulnerable.. Loved it thank you..
As Mary Oliver says
What are u going to do with this one beautiful life, and no one knows u more than yourself so no one has power over your life unless u give it to them.

[katjabeardsell]

She just described ikigai at the end, so good :)

[meganhopkins]

I am going to have to read them all.
Thank you Rich and Julie for being such prime examples of the compassionate, thoughtful, eye to eye conversations about tough subjects that we should all be having with each other. The biggest point I make on a daily basis to my son (12) is that the trying to understand the world around you and to be understood whether the world seems to be trying at all is paramount. And though you may fall on your face from time to time all you have to do is get up again. Most of my best lessons have come from hardship and “failure” and I call them the silver lining lessons. Those very lessons continue to make me stronger and more resilient in each and every moment. They are priceless.
Thank you again so much! Blessings!