When Narcissistic Mothers Use GUILT To Control & How This Affects Relationships in Adulthood

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When Narcissistic Mothers Use GUILT To Control & How This Affects Relationships in Adulthood

Today I'm talking about how narcissistic parents or malignant narcissistic parents use guilt to control you well into your adult life. In this video I will talk about how they do this, what guilt is, and what you can do to break free from toxic guilt that is controlling you. That's the important part that's where narcissistic abuse recovery meets complex ptsd recovery so if you're ready to not only learn about how they do it and why but more importantly what you can do about it make sure you watch to the end. For those that don't know me my name is Michele Lee Nieves I'm a certified life and relationship coach, I'm super passionate about helping people work through narcissistic abuse recovery as well as childhood trauma, and complex ptsd.
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[glenncowan]

This is probably the most common thing that screws up children. Trying to please an emotionally unstable parent .

[BiancaTallarico]

Most of my coping skills were rebellion or isolating myself from my parents. I isolated myself through music, comic books, and novels. They were my escape.

[jeqxfti]

I allowed my parents to meddle in my relationships, career, disrupt my college experience because I “wasn’t mature enough” even though I was the first in my family to apply and make it…they’ve ruined a lot of good opportunities for me trying to keep me in a childlike state. Im 34 now and am completely independent with my own life, but the impact is lifelong.

[Nokss]

These people only want control and if you keep giving into them, you won't go far in life. It's best to just go as far as you can and never say a word. Pray for them from afar...

[AntiMasonic]

My mother was very controlling while growing up. My mother kept telling me to do this, do that, don't work at that job, ect. Everything had to be done her way. All this gaslighting has messed up my mind.

[stonesthrow]

The part about "Making you feel Bad" at 10:00 . This is exactly what my mother is doing and I'm 40 years old. I have a very demanding job. Parents live 2 hours away! If I don't visit every weekend, meet up for all these dinners, meet up for all these family events, remember every single am guilt-tripped, shamed, and told how awful I am. Funny, when I was growing up, they ignored me, treated me like complete crap and would act like they didn't even want me around because they were too busy working or spending loads of money on boats, and scuba trips and building a pool. Now they are retired, they want everybody to do what they do. They dont care that Im exhausted at my job, that Im single and lonely, that Im struggling everyday. That I cry at night because I have no real father, and my parents dont love me. They dont care about anything except what THEY WANT !! And if they dont get it, they are a victim and you are horrible person. Im done.

[soundmind]

As I was listening to you, I got a flashback of one time when I was little, like 3 or 4. I was sitting in the backseat of my dad's car, and my parents were up front. My dad was asking about the name of a restaurant, my mom guessed wrong, and I named it correctly. My father praised me and expressed sweet words, and my mother turned and shot me a horrible look of hatred that made me feel like I was a very bad kid, and must have done something very bad. Thinking about it now, aside from the horrible abuse I suffered from her, how psychotic to do that to any child, much more deranged to do it to her own little girl. That was just one small example of a lifetime of having my being shredded by her from a very young age. Horrible beatings, and even worse poisonous words she spit at me, just pulverized my soul. I'm still trying to heal so many years later. 😢

[ashpterodactyl]

My family and teachers would always comment about how "quiet" I was as a kid. But that was a learned state of being. If I did anything other than play quietly by myself I'd get in trouble (not even necessarily for something I did, I could get in trouble for whoever I was playing with being too loud or rowdy...or if someone tripped and fell it was automatically "autumn pushed me" even though I didn't and I'd get in trouble).

Omg, I feel guilty any time I have to cancel plans for anything with anyone. Like I could get sick and need to call out of work (and my job is totally cool with it) and I'll feel guilty. Totally a shame thing. I was always expected to be super reliable as a kid and I was also always doubted when I said I was sick as a kid. I had to be like on the brink of needing a hospital before my mom would believe that I was sick.

"I'm unlovable" and/or "I'll be alone" is my child belief. But honestly, I've realized recently that my mom is incapable of loving me correctly and I have essentially been alone (from her) for-basically-ever, so I don't care about her feelings anymore (as harsh as that sounds). She doesn't get to silence my truth anymore.

[priyankarmajumder]

A lot of mothers didn't want to be mothers in the first place, not knowing that being childfree could also be an option.
As a result, they vent out their frustration of being a mother by being manipulative and guilt tripping their children.

[SandeepSinghCreator]

This is so true in my parent relationship. Guilt trip is my mom's no.1 weapon. They stole my sketchbooks and diaries and hid them where I can't find out.

[Alice-mvpj]

Guilt...and gaslighting by my mother made me suicidal... I'm recovering 0 contact but feel terribly guilty and I feel fear

[safire]

Well said. My problem is my wife (middle child) is the scapegoat, her little sister is the golden child & her eldest brother is the forgotten one. Still trying to figure out how to save/protect my wife from her guilt-tripping parents. They are ruining everything because my wife is too forgiving and always blames herself for their problems.

[Latricia]

I'm 46 and I am recently realized that my mother was doing this to me. I am still working on breaking free. But I am learning to let my no mean no and let go of the guilt.

[EsotericOccultist]

I've been to counselling for being a victim of this and all they (therapists) do is ask me questions while never breaking it down like this and explaining things to me. You're really helping me to understand the role the subconscious mind plays in holding on to trauma. My old belief is that if anyone didn't like me it means there's something wrong with me or I'm a bad person. My new belief is that it's okay for people to not like me. I still know I'm a good person and I don't need them or their validation. Narcissists program people to have false beliefs that destroy their lives unless someone like you comes along and deprograms them. People like you that give this information and validation out are literally saving lives. Bless you.

[faithhopelove]

I remember my mom using guilt since I was a child. I called her the guilt trip queen. So I was aware of it. A phrase she used often was "if I live" when saying for example I'll go to the store tommorow or if I live I'll get the car fixed, making you think she's going to die or something in a child's mind... So I was definitely aware but didn't realize the long term deep effects it would have on me.
I use to think my mom only did this to me but as I get older I see how she does it to my brothers definitely uses guilt. They're all seniors now so I really see how she controls them & always did. Manipulation constantly which is why they're all single & never had healthy relationships. Power of suggestion is another tactic they use. My mom uses fear tactics too always planting seeds of doubt & worst possible scenarios etc... The closer I get to Jesus the more discernment I have about people's intentions & information like this helps notice the specific behavior as well. Thank you! God bless. Pray for these people, it helps you as well.

[carleabridger]

This is so on the mark Michele! I remember when I first moved out on my own into my first apartment, my mother didn't talk with me for 5 days, and when I did make the attempt, it was "Well, it's about time, I wasn't sure if you were dead or alive!" and she never asked how I was making out with my new apartment and she never did.
If I ever mentioned anything about things I wanted to see or do, the response was always "You are making the biggest mistake of your life!" or "What do you want to do that for?" and whenever she was mad, and we would be relaxing on the sofa, when we were supposed to be doing something for her, it was always "You ungrateful wretches!"
I've grown to recognize it now, and seem to be going through a defensive stage, so whenever she states she's mad about something, my response "What the hell is going on?!, what's wrong now??!" Funny thing, the look I get from her is a "deer in headlights" as she doesn't expect me to react like that, but expecting to give her, her "fix" and to cater to her needs.
I'm loving your Thriver's School of Transformation! The tools that I am learning are extremely helpful and loving the community feeling of not being alone!

[TaymaShine]

I think what could also happen is the opposite- the child removes guilt and does not feel empathy or guilt or avoids those emotions and eventually becomes numb to them and that’s how narcissism continues and trauma creates the next generation of narcissists and psychopaths/sociopaths. I’ve seen it happen with my sister.

[ankurdave]

All true but the key is to get out of the toxicity. Staying enmeshed because everyone says “After all the ARE your PARENTS, ” is SOCIETY’S way of keeping us TRAPPED in TOXIC relationships. I’m also a parent, but that doesn’t automatically make me entitled to disrespect and demean my child. It’s not the child’s fault if parents are emotionally abusing the child. We must learn to walk away. I’m no Contact with my parents for 7 years now over stuff like this.

[Lou-pole]

I was doing well with my mother for the last few weeks, she was being lovely. Yesterday I had to cancel going to hers, the disappointment in her voice, then the don’t bother unless you find the time, no big deal… she’s sulking but being careful not to actually say so, I’m 56 and only recently realised how manipulative she is.

[jaklumen]

I will return to this video, but I just wanted to quickly say I'm living this, right now. I will also have a look at your previous video about narc moms and survivor sons.