Are there ALWAYS red flags in relationships?

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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.

THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[vacationeyes]

Lack of boundaries is a huge red flag to me. They ask all kinds of nosey, intrusive questions they really shouldn't be asking anyone. Their entitlement is astounding. And if you look visibly uncomfortable, they double down.

[Rose-]

Narcissists love to take credit for everything except for one thing, your nervous breakdown.

[CP-peul]

Sometimes, only after you leave a toxic relationship do you realise what the red flags were !

[cornwallismorgan]

If the red flags were obvious, we wouldn't date them in the first place. For me, the first red flag I often encounter is devaluation. Everything is fine until it's not. And I'm a psychiatric and behavioral health nurse! If I don't notice red flags, I can't imagine how much harder it must be for those who aren't in my profession.

[mgb]

I realized that I don't trust new men anymore. I don't want to date, which isn't a problem because in my age group that's unlikely. I think the deeper problem is that I don't trust myself to see the red flags, and I also know that some abusers are absolutely charming and know what to do in public yet could turn behind doors later in the relationship.

[jorgeluiscapiello]

Sometimes we just ignore or excuse these small red flags because the good times are so good that you want the relationship to keep growing. In my case, only after marrying her some huge red flags appeared, but again I forgave them 'cos I wanted the marriage to work. Then came the isolation, gaslighting, devaluation and discarding. Now I'm been hoovered. When you see this retrospectively everything makes sense.

It's just like completing a horrific puzzle.

[lynnebucher]

Reconnected with a childhood acquaintance who dated my sister. He tried being charming and to ingratiate himself. He also dropped a few clues that I paid attention to.
Holy cow my alarm bells went off. Declined his offer to help with some things at my house.

Found out later from my sister just how bad his anger issues were.

[wildrose.]

Sometimes I remember that when meeting a very toxic person, I had a subtle feeling of “ick” the moment I laid eyes on them. Not a loud bell, not their looks, clothes, attitude. Just a momentary thought “nope, don’t like this person”. But it happens so instantly with me that it seems illogical. How can I be picking up anything before the person ever makes eye contact or opens their mouth? Now I know to trust the “instant ick” no matter what proceeds during the interaction. I am kind, but I keep my wits about me and don’t share much, just observe. I have learned this the hard way. The “instant ick” feeling has happened with the best looking, fashionable, most impressive people. And when I have had any future encounters with them, it turns out that “ick at first sight” is never wrong.

[makaylahollywood]

Some people are just not my cup of tea. I no longer put up with people to prove I can.

[bugsea]

My anxiety increases around some people and to me that is someone I want my boundaries up. Then when my boundaries go up and that person pushes that boundary I know they are a problem. Normal people don't push boundaries when they know the person said no. My boundaries are my protection and when pushed it is a red flag.

[kristinemajchrzak]

❤”off” Is a red flag to me when I feel off with somebody that’s a sign that somethings not right I can sense feel emotions more than anyone I know I’d rather be at home, I feel safer, looking in someone’s eyes that don’t make me feel comfortable, can leave me feeling like that my life has been sucked out of me😢❤

[judithargitay]

I've got a dachshund. She is entitled. She is self-centered. She wants all the treats to herself. She is rude to the majority of other dogs. She is thin skinned, gets hurt very easily and likes holding grudges. She is constantly gaslighting and manipulating me to get her way. All the red flags are there. STILL..my inner gut feeling is telling me that she is the best and most loving company I've ever had for almost 17 years now. Always trust your gut feeling. :)

[nikkinorton]

Amen! I can't tell you how many times I have gotten mad at myself for having the feeling this person isn't good for me. I have actually rebelled against myself when I have had this feeling to prove myself wrong, only to find out I was right.

It doesn't mean they are a bad person. It just means that they might be bad for you.

[frontiergallery]

Too often we stay in a bad relationship/situation looking for "concrete evidence" because we don't want to be judgmental. We want to make sure there are red flags, then want to make sure those reds flags are real, then we want to see what we did to cause it because "it takes two to tango". Meanwhile, things continue to get worse.

[TheFoocookie]

Thanks for the insight! With my first boyfriend it was like you described, a "getting over myself". When we first met I was not interested at all in this person, even felt repulsed by their obnoxious behaviour. But because we had the same friend group we spent time together, they started being very nice to me and trying to make me comfortable with them, until I was fine with them and then.. .I just went with it, mostly out of curiosity. Only then did the real narcissistic tendencies come out and I was trapped. So it was a hard, but worthwhile, lesson to lean: Don't make yourself like someone. I've experienced it in that relationship, with friendships, and also in online dating. If you meet someone and it does not feel easy to be around them, stop. Keep waiting, don't let yourself be pressured by people into giving chances.

[StrawberryHills]

I see it like this:
I’m allergic to kiwi’s. So I won’t eat fruit Salad from a restaurant. I’ve learned that they will just take the kiwi out when I say that I can’t eat kiwi. But it’s not the green flesh off the fruit that is poisonous for me, it’s the seeds and even worse the gel the seed is in. So you can take the kiwi slice out of the salade, but there might be a seed or gel in the there.
Now with red flags it’s the same; I might not see them but I can feel them. The narcissist can act like he is harmless, but the way he pulled his tongue over his teeth warned me there might be a seed or gel

[imitationoflife]

My ex-narc always respected all waiters and waitresses! Even when his pasta was cooked incorrectly, not as he had ordered, he never complained once, even when I urged him to send it back. He always said he hated confrontation and actually, as a covert narc, he never caused a scene. This is the opposite of all the sage counselors' advice here online. Also, he treated his mother like gold, with total respect, and she lived her last 25 years, as a widow, in the narc's home, rent-free. She died in his arms. So naturally, in the beginning, I thought this is a good man! He respects women!! Well, turns out I was all wrong. He was a mysogynist who uses women and does not respect us! So much for those missing red flags!!! But later, when I was devalued and disrespected, it caused some cognitive dissonance.

[costelloandlizzievolk]

I think we have to be aware of red flags AND tune into how our body feels, trusting ourselves and our intuition, knowing we have every right to take our time to evaluate and say no as needed, to decide what’s best for us. ❤

[andreaanonymous]

I still see all of those things as red flags when getting to know someone new. Even if they are smaller, less obvious red flags. Things like, how you feel, how your body feels, feeling drained after an encounter with them etc.. Sometimes just our intuition will tell us things that we miss and that's something that we should listen to. Sometimes it's extremely hard to see the red flags, but from my experience they are always there.

[costelloandlizzievolk]

The input of others saying to just ‘give it a try and make it work ’ is awful for me. I have been judged and criticized harshly for saying no to people and situations that don’t feel good or right for me, as I heal and learn to be discerning. It’s been super stressful having to push back on their pressures. Learning to take little steps as feel ok for me while also knowing that I can say no and leave when I need to . Thank you ❤