This is NOT narcissistic baiting

ORDER MY NYT BESTSELLING BOOK 📖 "IT'S NOT YOU"

JOIN MY HEALING PROGRAM

JOIN THE DR. RAMANI NETWORK

GET INFO ABOUT MY UPCOMING PROGRAM FOR THERAPISTS

SIGN UP FOR MY MAILING LIST

LISTEN TO MY NEW PODCAST "NAVIGATING NARCISSISM"

DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.

THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[t.l.]

"Dog- Whistling" is another favorite insidious tactic of Narcs. It's intended to be subtle & often deployed when you & your narc are amongst a group of people, socially, or in mtgs. @ the workplace. ( narcs require an audience to pull this off). This is when you share an embarrassing secret or information w/the narc that's meant to be confidential & the narc subtly speaks to the audience about it to shame you, knowing that was a direct shot @ you, yet, the audience doesn't know that...in the hope's to get you to snap in front of everyone. It's often used before, during, & after your smear campaign as proof/evidence to fit & sell their narrative to all who've witnessed it, that "you're unstable, wackadoodle, passive/aggressive, & completely unhinged.

[Sukith]

“ You’re so sensitive. There’s a prescribed way to talk to you” and then I was the unhinged one when I snapped. Yeah, I was baited.

[rebekahransom]

Picking fights to let off steam. Or because they need a cheap win to boost their day/reassure them. Nailed it!

[iamhere]

On my last job, I gray rocked as much as I could. The lead who was over me, escalated herself out of her job. 🙂

[kb]

My mother in law was the queen of baiters and I fell for it EVERY TIME!
She is now gone, I divorced her precious child, I’ve learned my lesson….finally!

[NonaManis]

_“ Wisdom. . . comes not from age, but from education and learning. ”_

— *ANTON CHEKHOV* 👏😊

😊👏😊👏😊👏😊👏😊👏😊👏

[maxsmart]

This is very well explained. I didn't understand narcissism until a few months after our relationship was over. I took the bait most of the time and lost a friend that believes her story that I'm the one that's unhinged. These videos have been real helpful in the long process of letting go of the anger about the injustice of it all.

[dianegron]

It’s the confusion that makes it almost impossible to detect the abuse. The constant questioning (a never ending guilt trip) on our perception and motives behind questioning it at all (for we’re trying to be good people and fair with the significant other), happens every time we’re gaslighted and approached with contempt. It’s exhausting and could open the door to real mental illness, if not identified and corrected in a timely manner. Thanks Dr. Ramani, for your videos.

[kathiemihindukulasuriya]

Very helpful. I've noticed that a lot of baiting can be couched in false concern. "We're worried about you. Are you getting some help? You don't seem to be dealing well with your mother's death." - Less than 2 years after her death- while I am holding down a challenging job and raising two kids. My lack of coping? Being too emotional and "overreacting" when they are difficult and controlling.

Real concern is asking how you are doing and LISTENING. Or asking if there is something they can do to help you (like friends who took my son to a Boy Scout outing after my mother-in-law died, so I could have some time to myself.). The "concern" without listening or offering help, just seems like a way to put you in your place.

[sparkygump]

My father tried that crap at every single family gathering. No amount of reasoning could get him to simply shut his mouth. He HAD to tell you whatever jerk thought that came into his head. I finally had my fill and went no contact. I didn't even attend his funeral. 50 years of abuse was enough.

[sonukori]

Thank you Dr. Ramani! I did not take the bait in a recent unleash and blamed myself after for not sticking up for myself, or trying harder to resolve. You reminded me that I was being baited, and conflict resolution is not even an option. Thanks so much for explaining and your support!

[terrim]

I have almost marveled at the relentlessness some people have in trying to provoke you into snapping back at them, a kind of evil super power. Doesn't even seem human. I mean, "Where does this endless energy come from?!" Can be extremely exhausting for those on the receiving end. And confusing. My standard, learned, self-preserving response - even if only in my head - when I realize I need to distance myself from this kind of situation or cut off people completely (even people I love) is "Vaya con Dios." No hatred, no animosity. No engagement in chaos, either. Just sending them away with God's blessing.

[Qeert-b]

My husband always asks me a question, I answer it, and then attacks me or belittles me when he doesn't like my answer. Usually silly things that don't matter. But my favorite is when he asks me if I'm upset or mad at him. When I say yes and tell him why then he gets mad and defensive and attacks me verbally. I constantly get baited into that one. It's like why ask? Don't ask me a question and then not be able to handle the answer. Then it leads into me having to defend myself against his verbal abuse which makes him even more mad and abusive. Then I get very hurt and upset from the continued abuse and I fight back and it gets nuts. Then when I've lost it, he twists it all on me and says it's my fault cause I'm a crazy psycho.

[GrandmaEllen]

Yes, everything is context. I am still "gun shy" due to growing up with constant baiting. The most innocent sounding question could turn out to be a bait. I learned to constantly be on guard, AND I had to keep my face and other body language in check. SO, if the adoptive father asked a question, such as, "Did you iron your school blouse?" Immediately, the answer is "yes, " but I'm on alert. Followed by another question that sounds a bit "off, " maybe, "and is your homework done?" "Well, yes." (Inside me, a big question mark). Then the next thing would be something that sounded like a trick question, "So, you've done everything you are supposed to? " Oh-oh. Extreme neutrality in my voice and body, "Yes." Then it would start. The big harangue. And you had to listen without expression no matter what was said, because the wrong look on your face could get you in trouble, let alone the wrong tone in your voice or the wrong answer. As you might surmise, by then the real me was totally shut down and the wary me rallied all defenses as I detached and tried to answer everything with yes, no, or I don't know. I dare not commit to any reality that might not be in alignment with his opinion, assessment, or anything. Now I am soon to turn 68. My husband and I have known each other now for 25 years. We have a joke between us: He'll say, "I need to talk to you, " and I'll jokingly, half-serious say, "Am I in trouble?" And he will say, "No, you're not in trouble." Maybe someday that "humoring each other" question will drop away, but for now it heals me, nth by nth. So, yes, context. And I've met a few others like the father in my lifetime. Usually I get as far away as possible as quickly as possible. Between that and my first marriage.... LOL! I'm a piece of work! Thank you again, Dr. Ramani! 💜

[EatWithC]

I have been baited from my mom and brother I’m so hurt and confused and I have done nothing but defend myself all they do is provoke you then when snap at them they wanna play victim and make up lies

[healerscreek]

Videos about Betty Broderick kept popping up after I watched this one, but the best one and most current understanding I think was the Snapped highlights video about the case. I think what she did in killing her narcissistic abuser (ex-husband Dan) was the ultimate tragic end to narcissistic baiting and abuse. He was probably delighted by her reactiveness and gleeful about the emotional harm he continued to cause her. It doesn't excuse the murders, but I hear the powerlessness in her words that she felt "one of us had to die" to stop the emotional torment he inflicted upon her. If anyone here is in this situation, please don't let this happen to you. Go no contact or minimal conact and get help for yourself, emotionally and legally. Keep watching this channel. It could save your life!

[idontknow-msmc]

I'm learning that the biggest thing is their lack of respect for boundaries.
They can ask a question, but if i say 'no' or say anything they don't like -- and they keep pushing and provoking a conversation I have made clear I don't want to have -- no idea if it's baiting or not. But it sucks. So, I try to limit my conversations with that person.
Unfortunately, if they are trying to bait, a lot of times I don't know that their goal is to argue until we are actively arguing. I'm tired of that. So I'm limiting my interactions with them.

[costelloandlizzievolk]

Yikes I had an ex narc friend who did this, I can hear the scorn in her just thinking of her saying/doing these things. It’s yucky. Thankfully thru this learning I disengage, keep my boundaries and let the friendship go. Thank you 😊

[mharris]

This is a perfect description as what happened to me at work. I went grey rock and she tried to make out that I was giving her the silent treatment, which was what HR said in a briefing on 'Respect at Work' was an act of bullying. After the briefing the narcissist began working with my Line Manager to make me out to be the aggressor. He had the motivation to do this since he never took any action for the year or year since I told him of the bullying where I also told him a nurse had said to me I was suffering from PTSD, and a therapist had said I was suffering from moderate to severe depression and anxiety. I'm sure he felt he could get into trouble for not doing anything and causing the effects to be worse so if he could work with the narcissist to make me out to be in the wrong he would get himself off the hook. After she said I was bullying her, I said to my Line manager that he is in work before me every morning and he sees me come in, sit down, do my work and leave before him almost every day so he knows I'm not bullying her and he said "I haven't seen any outward bullying", which implies he is believing her and working with her to make me out to be the bully.
Of course, they have interests out side of work that they share so he also has motivation to not find her guilty of any wrongdoing as it would ruin their relationship there.

[cherrybacon]

I once heard that to react to someones baiting or anger is to take posession and ownership of that anger (a kind of gift to you), thus accepting their gift of rage. If you don't respond, their anger or baiting is still theirs and their problem and not ours. This helps me to keep calm in those situations. 🍒