Put on Your Attachment Hat & Change your Romantic Attachment Style | Ashley Harvey | TEDxCSU

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For me (secure yet anxiously leaning) with my ex Avoidant it came down to two questions that came from the same root of the fear of abandonment within the both of us, for the anxiously attached it's 'why won't they let me love them?' And for the avoidantly attached 'why do they love me so much?'. Once these questions are triggered, both seek to answer the questions (independently) usually leading to the unfortunate suffocation of the relationship. If introspection happens during the time apart after the cessation of the relationship, it can produce the most profund healing of each of the two's attachment styles.

morenakmatjila

wow! so many lessons here at so many levels ..
* relating speaker's 'fear of good enough' and 'fear of not being fast enough';
* how to positively support rather than say something that will amp up the anxiety
* Love that you covered both the anxious and avoidant spectrum - thankyou x100 for that. Avoidant people always get a bad rap as the villains of the world :-Z
* Secure people regulate how much they are sharing based on how much the other person is sharing (Anxious = over sharing; Avoidant = not sharing much)
* and the icing - in conflict they are out to understand more than they are out to win! WOW!!! Life changing stuff right there ..

niteshj_

For anxious it's always about the relationship. For avoidant it's generally about performance. Its predictable then that he would ride ahead of her. Also predictable that they would be doing an activity not in her "wheel house" that she doesn't really enjoy - she's there to spend time with him, not to exercise or race. Why weren't they doing an activity she liked? Would she have ever left him behind? Why would she marry him? The pursue withdraw cycle exemplifies a human paradox. Women "admire" the absence of emotion in men, and men the presence of emotion in women...until they don't. These characteristics, originally produce curiosity and attraction, but later become problems. They were there in the courtship phase but were ignored. People who deeply understand this see it as predictable.

Dd

Thank you, Ashley! Fearful avoidant style and makes so much sense and looking forward to therapy so I can feel secure intrinsically without over-reliance on treating myself based upon how others respond to me and codependency.

andreaexceedsrubies

I recently went through the attachment theory workbook. Interesting to see this right after. ALL making so much sense now.

lnzprazak

I'm glad her husband was supportive of her riding the bike at her own pace. I would call him "Papa Wheelie."

mdhbigdog

What a great explanation of attachment styles and how to use that information! Thanks.

peteradams

Great talk by Dr. Harvey. Sharing her personal example made the information super relatable.

aprilmalcolm

Great talk! My most recent relationship could've been saved if we had the language to communicate better. Or maybe not, who knows! Either way, I plan to enter my next relationship with these things in mind.

MrChristianArguello

Get a tandem! That worked for my relationship😉

dankingsbury

I really liked this especially how you explained the relationships and how to interact. Can I get the Transcription for this?

m.suzanneblack-bytheway

Very sweet to hear her interaction with her husband.

I sure wish I knew these things a million years ago :)

dbunnysport

Thank really enjoyed the way u presented attachment styles here it's so important knowing which attachment type I relate too to change the patterning of pursuing withdrawing game of needs when I know my needs speak them I risk knowing what secure attachment is all about by meeting my own needs asking sharing my needs in a new loving place within me changes everything about my relationship

allisonewens

This was so good and enlightening.

Does this mean that the anxious attachment folks are usually more passionate? Can we say that? Also for the avoidant folks, do they have needs? I’m struggling to imagine a possible need they might have (which their partner could solve/fix for them)

Once again, thank you for this.

jenniferjoseph