Consumed by Love, Filled With Emptiness; Trauma and 'LIMERENCE'

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A newly married woman finds herself in love (again) with an incredible "friend" who never loved her back: In this video I teach about "limerence" -- an all consuming love characterized by non-reciprocation, non-fulfillment, fantasy, and obsession with finding signs the beloved secretly loves you back. This common adult symptom of emotional neglect from childhood destroys marriages and robs you of joy. Is there a way to save the marriage AND the magical friendship?
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[SparklesNJazz]

this video… this concept of “limerence” describes my entire life. i’ve never known anything but limerence. all other romantic relations i’ve had have felt boring, fake, forced, and all of my memories of being in love were limerence, nothing more nothing less. it’s sad really. but i’m glad i’m realizing this now, in my mid 20s, and not later. i’ve had the sense it was something like this for a long time, but i’m glad i can finally put a name to it.
i’m also glad that love ISN’T limerence. i’m starting to grow tired of that feeling. it’s exhausting. it screws up my routine. it’s dysregulating. it makes me feel sick. i’m excited to try to find real love that’s comfortable, since i haven’t experienced it yet.

[mushroommagic]

"If someone loves you, they do not leave you in doubt." That... THAT IS THE BARE TRUTH.

Oh my ... now I realized why I cling and run after people who are emotionaly and mentally unavailable. My parents were like this to me since I was little.

[NudePostingConspiracyTheories]

“When you’re hanging on to the fantasy of a person, you’re rejecting the real person”. That’s dynamite, thank you

[AdelleRamcharan]

I have felt this INSANE and intense obsession and attraction a few times before. It’s always mysterious, highly intelligent, aloof and unemotional men. I will hide myself away and avoid them like my life depends on it until that crazy feeling goes away. None of them ever knew lol. I knew that something very wrong was going on inside me. Thanks again for a great video!

[lkqxgbo]

They call it "Intimacy anorexia" " in the 12 step programs. A person can "act in" or "act out" their fantasies. And detaching from one's fantasy is called "withdrawal" and can be as severe as withdrawal from narcotics or alcohol. Limerence or "Intimacy anorexia " withdrawal usually requires assistance given some can become suicidal during the period of detaching from their fantasy. The fantasy was their reality so it's a "real" break up to the sufferer. This was a part of psychology rarely understood or explored yet so many are afflicted with it. Thank you for being ahead of the curve.

[MajinSayon]

"It's a fever dream coming from hurt and loss", beautifully and poignantly said.

[keepmoving]

Limerence Limerick: There once was a past child ignored, who's adult love was bold. No denial or rejection too great, for the unhealed of late, to listen truly to what they were told.

[kimslone]

One thing I can offer here is an elder perspective -- these limerence episodes don't last, they have a season and they do fade if you do nothing. They can inform art -- either painting or fantasy writing. That can be one outlet, once you make the decision not to actually believe the limerence attractor can be a great partner. Knowing it doesn't work that way can give you the distance to just have the feelings and wait them out.

[latteda]

“Having a stable marriage” is so healing for someone with CPTSD. That’s what I’ve really longed for!

[caliblue]

To the girl who wrote the letter- I did the same thing. My marriage didn’t complete me and men including exes were more than willing to be my “friend”. That’s where u open the door for the “story” that your incompleteness within a marriage is somehow your spouses fault. And guess what. Every single one of those men don’t speak to me at all now. They used me because they felt “safe” as in I wouldn’t be able to have a real relationship because I was married but once I was single they found “reasons” to reject me. Yep. You are either married or you aren’t. Never live a lie because it’s devastating to your health and well being.

[caseyw.]

And if the friend suddenly decides he wants to be with you now, RUN! Do not let that man ruin your life.

[ashtonoakstand]

I’m turning 29 this year. I realize that the majority of my love life has been made up of limerent episodes. None of my IRL relationships lasted longer than a year because they were boring. I’d spend months obsessing over inaccessible people, imagining convoluted ways I’d be able to make them notice me. I’d drag on long-distance relationships that were nothing but terrible for me. Wow. Glad I can realize this, but sucks that I’ve not experienced the real thing yet.

[lilafeldman]

Yep. The trauma bond. The addictive trauma bond, quick intense connection. Chemistry and comparability. This is what I needed to hear today.

[bettydavis]

Recently, I've been wondering why I keep "falling" for emotionally unavailable men...I realized my mom was emotionally unavailable when I was little. Thank you for sharing how to end it, and the concept of Limerance.

[ellesharie]

I literally just journaled about me having these intense infatuated romantic feelings towards someone. I realized these feelings dated back to elementary school. I had no idea there was a word for it, limerence. This video feels like divine timing, thank you.

[wildmeadows]

“When someone genuinely loves you, they don’t leave you in doubt about that. They want you to know that they love you and they’re there, and they want to create this environment you want to stay in.”

[lilafeldman]

It took me a while to really understand what "unavailable people" really meant. It could mean that they are, literally, unavailable, like they are already married. Or it could mean that they are emotionally unavailable, or aren't healthy, or right or compatible for you.

[teknophyle]

I've long considered this a "disney fantasy" and for decades I didn't think real healthy relationships were actually possible for me. still have my doubts but at least I have somewhere to start now.

[janeydoe]

My growing up best friend's mom told me I was "in love with the idea of love". I just couldn't wrap my head around it. I always thought it was about making excuses and settling, i.e., nobody's perfect! (something my narc mom set me up for). It's limerency! I recently had lunch with a longtime friend and I said I feel dead inside. Like the pendulum has swung completely to the other side and I haven't yet found my equalibrium. I've been single for four years because I now know that all my failed relationships/marriages was because of me and I have to fix me before I can even think about companionship on any level. I'm not a destroyer, I realize now I wasn't showing up authentically. My last marriage was traditional (I was able to be a stay at home mom). You can't imagine what a proposition that is for someone neglected/abandoned by her parents to be presented with an opportunity to be there for her kids and taken care of by her husband. I had to pinch myself. I thought I had the cat's meow. The reality is, I completely lost myself and he almost destroyed me in the end. I didn't realize the control he had over me. Over everything. Luckily I got a grip on reality. I'm thankful you came up in my feed. You're answering questions about me I've had for forever. Thank you!

[dandoszwei]

So happy about Anna's willingness to be the tough love fairy. Often times, when we have a rough childhood, we find conflict and stress very difficult when the "shine" wears off of our long-term commitments. I know from several times in my life when I pined for people who were not in any way good for me. The folks on the outside of our committed life can seem so alluring, but Anna cuts through the illusion here. Like an impressionist painting, those folks that won't say "yes" to our romantic love can seem from a distance like the cure-all. Thank you, Anna, for the clarity and honesty.