LIMERENCE: Major Losses Trigger Obsessive Love

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Based on all the hundreds of letters I get – the background stories about abuse and neglect in childhood, and the present day struggles to form loving, committed relationships – it’s clear to me that limerence is the fruit of emotional neglect. We get too good at seeing love where there is no love, and if we don’t heal, it continues into adulthood, becoming worse in times when we’re isolated, grieving, and chronically stressed. In this video I respond to a letter from a Ukranian refugee devastated when a new relationship fizzled out.

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[EllieM_Travels]

It’s cruel when the object of your misguided affection leads you to believe they’re reciprocating when they’re not. It’s like they like the ego boost and they’re willing to flirt, but it’s not serious to them. That really messed me up.

[suedoenim]

The limerence is because when we were being neglected as children with alcoholic parents we looked to TV and movies to try to gain some insight because we had no one else to talk to and all they showed us was that if you loved the person to your utter end and destruction they would eventually come around and be saved by your love and you would most likely die in the process. The bittersweet love of a martyr for love.

[lisasimpson]

This channel is more effective than any therapist Ive ever been to. Im referring to Anna's ability to address/ analyze all the nuances of cptsd. I thought I was the only person suffering from limerence etc and never even heard the word until I saw this channel.

[daisyviluck]

I think people can have platonic limerence, too. Like they think they’re way closer to that classmate or coworker than they thought, only to find they didn’t get invited to the party. But if a person is very needy or shy, they can mistake a pleasant, fun conversation with the daily in-and-out of friendship

[ViviMark]

I also believe that limerence is a copying mechanism. It is when you're trying to relieve one anxiety with another. The fear underneath is the fear of losing control. I find sometimes that limerence does not happen randomly, it's an unconscious decision you take because you have no other tool to relieve anxiety about something else in your life. By obsessively thinking of someone, you don't leave space to deal with the real problem. So you make the other person a priority and the dominant issue which in fact he's not. Anna your videos are GOLD, thank you from the bottom of my heart!

[frappalina]

I live in berlin and the dating scene is horrible. Ghosting is the norm, most men just want to have sex, adultery is very common and lots of people say that they are in an "open relationship" but actually their partner doesnt know about that. It's wicked

[evangeline]

I didn’t know what limerance was until I had gone through it a few times. Once I realized what it was I was done with it. It just felt like self created drama at that point that always ends in heartbreak.

[yustanduske]

I was totally surprised about the story and it helped me to understand I'm not alone in this loneliness and abandonement... I'm from Ukraine also, I've been living in Berlin for the last half a year and I totally understand this girl... I lost my mother less than year ago and right now I have no feeling I'm secure in a new country without my friends and previous life.
When I deeply fell for a guy from Tinder after only 3 weeks of knowing each other and my emotions and feelings got so intense that I litterally couldn't sleep and eat, I realized it's not a good timing for any dating apps or casual sex. Moreover this channel helped me to admit that casual sex is totally harmfull for my mental health. Now I only focus on providing myself financial and residental stability, trying to find my people and friends and when my anxious mind turns me back to my thoughts about being attached to somebody - I meditate, go to the gym and do everything to stop ruminating these unhealthy thoughts. It's really difficult but not impossible. Thank you for this priceless knowledge and your work!♥

[brendamertes]

You call it "kissing frogs"...I call it: "Do straight men even like women?" Because at this point none of them really seem to actually like women.

[sefora]

Anna, I feel OCD also pays a role in limerance along with abuse from a parent bcos you find a person like your parent who rejects you so you keep trying to win their love.

[Hammondchris]

I've found "limerrence" or crush addiction has been active since i was very very young like 7 or something. I hadn't put all this together and tthe fifty or so therapists throughout my life didn't touch on this at all! Anna thank you for the gold you so freely give!!!

[pennylocal]

I’ve recently just cleared one year sober from alcohol. Now, I’ve experienced this for the first time at 47, I’ve never felt so out of touch or control of myself ever before. I don’t wanna go through that again. My nervous system was a mess. Only swing this person 5 times in over a year. I created a whole future just over texting. This is so real !!! I had to search and search to figure this out and how to stop it. !! I’m at peace finally, so folks the feeling does go away if you do the work needed to come back to reality. ❤ thank you for your videos. !!

[scorpiolove]

I'm from a very abusive background, on my own since 15 [ abandoned at an orphanage day I way born abused neglected ect] and I'm an artist, limerance has been soooo strong and devastating. All it takes is a guy to be attractive and pay me attention then ignore me and I fall hard

[lostcee]

I recently started talking to this guy. We would see each other every weekend and act like a couple in public and in front of his friends. When we’re together he is sooo romantic and lovey dovey. It feels so magical. But during the week days he pulls away and doesn’t contact me. It’s weekend love only. This past week he seemed to be coming around more as we were talking a bit throughout the week and Thursday he called me to say he missed me and we locked in plans to see each other on Friday. Come Friday he stood me up. Ghosted me. I haven’t heard from him. I’m so confused on why a person would treat another this way and still convince themselves they are a decent human being. I think he was leading me on the entire time, or maybe I was so deep in my limerence that I couldn’t see the signs.

[csignorelli]

You should do a video that gives tips on how to handle the depression that hits you after you grow out of your fantasies and realize how little people actually care about you lol.

[KellysMagicalRealm]

Yes my parents were alcoholics and I never knew what love was and I was used to toxicity so this makes a lot of sense and I’ve been working through this so I can get shift out of this

[alexedgar]

It's the same with animals. In the sense that when you rescue an adult pet, it is very difficult to get them to trust and get close to other people. They never want to let you go.its not quite the same. But I find it sooo hard to move on from loss in relationships. Not quite limerance. But close...

[mickboyce]

This young lady sounds so intelligent on top of ambitious. So much potential for the right person

[mheartshape]

she is 24 years she will stand on her feet and make a great life.

[OhhKikka]

When the object of limerence ups and marries you, it helps to bring the end of that addiction. When the object of limerence writes incredibly moving messages, albeit intermittently, the addiction is endless.