What to Say When Someone is Dying

What do you say to someone who is dying?

It's easy to feel really awkward around someone when you know they are dying - you don't know what to say, how to be, what their needs are.

In this video, Jane Duncan Rogers addresses 5 questions which will really help both the person dying, and the person asking the questions.

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[xiomaras]

When my mother died of pulmonary fibrosis, it had gotten to a point where she was struggling for breath. She told me she was tired of living this way. I knew she was resisting because she was worried about me. I sat with her, held her hand, told her I loved her and that I would be alright and not to worry. I asked her if she was ready to go and she said yes. It broke my heart but I told her to close her eyes and tell God she was ready. She asked that I call the family. The next morning we gathered around her, prayed over her and she quietly slipped into a coma and passed a few hours later. I felt that by telling her it would be ok for her to go - that it was the best thing I could do for her. I miss her terribly but I know she’s at peace now.

[pamjones]

When my daughter was dying she veered between accepting that she was dying and planning for the future she hoped for. Consequently I didn’t like to talk about how short her time was, but went along with her hopes of coming home to live with me. She did say she was frightened on one occasion and I’m sure I could have handled that better. It’s hard to think rationally when someone so dear is coming to the end of their life. Thank you for this video. It’s good to talk about it, especially as I have cancer myself now.

[pattik]

When my Mother was on hospice with Stage 4 lung cancer, I asked her if she was afraid to die. She said "no, I'm not afraid to die but I'm not ready to go". I responded that I wasn't ready for her to go either. 💔

[danaakon]

I would recommend
"Denial of Death" by Ernest Becker. Many people feel awkward when someone is dying because they avoid thinking of death and are in denial about the human condition (everyone has to die).

[stephanietorres]

I reminded my father that I would keep him in prayer. He was in pain thus the morphin had him sleeping alot but the power of touch kept me and him in spiritual comfort. He had dementia and was deaf.

[nalinisrivastava]

My mother died of lung cancer. A very difficult time for the family. The best is to show our love and care at the final hours.

[kathyfaulk]

I heard "I am afraid of what's coming" twice, once my aunt and second my own mother. I wish I had taken that statement more seriously. Or given them more time to talk.

[stephanietorres]

A set of good earphones for them to listen to some nice gentle music and having family and minister/priest visit.

[colleen]

Excellent! Bravo! I'm a Hospice RN and Educator. You hit the questions we use in hospice care. Thank you! Also, Being Mortal is available at to watch at Frontline PBS YouTube for free!

[aliciab]

I lived this with my late husband. End of life is a difficult time for everyone. People have a hard time dealing with death. They even have trouble dealing with you as a widow after the fact.

My approach with my husband was, "what can I do for you, what would make your day easier?"

Atul's book is fabulous! His other books are great too.

[jmk]

Great video.

I think in this country (the UK) we are so bad about talking about death, thinking that we are tempting fate if we discuss it and almost acting as if it won't happen if we don't mention it when in reality it is one thing we will all experience as no one lives forever.

Videos like these are great to get people thinking and talking ahead of time so that if any one of us finds ourself in that position we will be better prepared as to know what to say or do.

Also it would be helpful maybe to do a follow up video or even a series of these videos on how to deal with the aftermath when a loved one dies. How to handle well meaning peoples sometimes insensitive comments, or what to say to a recently bereaved person etc.

I have lost two birth children when they were very young and have recently lost my just turned 20 year old adopted daughter and have found that a lot of people avoid me because they don't know what to say to me. Not close family and good friends, but aquaintances, neighbours, colleagues and the like. It can be so isolating, but I understand it is more about them being afraid of saying the wrong thing or thinking that they can't mention her when actually I love talking about her.

[highpsi]

Wonderful, thoughtful advice relayed in a gentle, positive manner - the best!

[grassrootstexas]

Out of pure speechlessness I had to get help with my words. So I'm here. Thank you for helping me find the words that I must say to her to let her know I care and am so saddened by the thought of a world without my friend

[lilibetfellinger]

Thank you, a most agreeable slice of confrontation.

[sallybutton]

My dear late mother was very brave during her battle with liver cancer but I knew she was very afraid & I never addressed the situation & talked to her about her fears as I didn’t know how to approach the subject. We were very close which seemed to make it worse. My mother had always been the primary caregiver & problem solver in our family & now the tables were turned I was at a loss at what to say or do. There were so many things I should’ve discussed with her but she would always put a light spin on things & I didn’t want to bring her mood down..six years later I know I would’ve been better addressing our final chats together in a forthright manner & not be afraid of saying the wrong things..better to say something rather than nothing & being here now with regret..🥀

[carolmaughan]

Marvellous video - and such a pertinent topic as we are all going to die. It has got me thinking both about what I say to a friend who, sadly, is approaching this time of their life and what I would like for myself when the time comes, thank you

[alisonschooley]

Wow, I have a therapy dog and do hospital and hospice work. This was very helpful to me, thank you.

[Ruby]

Very helpful. Thank you for discussing this topic.

[cathygray]

Thank you for the great questions. As for the humor dealing with my loved ones dieing, I could never and would never us humor. My heart is so heavy and broken, humor would not be something I would use, but this way to handle it with these questions is very helpful. Thank you

[karenlowes]

Important topic. Good morning to all!😊🇨🇦