What to Say (and Not Say) to Comfort Someone Who’s Lost a Loved One

How can you comfort someone who’s lost a loved one, experienced a tragedy, or is coping with bad news? It can be difficult to know how to console the people you care about in a way that’s genuine, not trite, and, above all, not unknowingly offensive.

In this MarieTV, Marie shares exactly what to say when someone dies, gets diagnosed with a terminal disease, or suffers a tragedy — with scripts you can steal for your own life. More importantly, you’ll learn exactly what NOT to say, so you can genuinely comfort and support those you love.

#MarieTV​ #HowtoComfortSomeone #Grief



MARIE ON SOCIAL

[marieforleo]

Struggling with what to say to someone experiencing a tragedy? Use these quick links to catch the highlights:

1:26 — The right (& wrong!) things to say when someone shares a life-threatening diagnosis.
2:57 — Why your words can make the difference when tragedy strikes.
4:24 — How to console someone who lost a loved one.
5:10 — Can’t be there in person? How to write a heartfelt sympathy note.
6:16 — The most important thing you can do to support people you love.

[Angelika]

When you don't know what to say, a hug helps.

[yvonstokkink]

When in doubt I feel "I don't know what to say" is a good response too. It acknowledges the situation is difficult, shows caring and is way better than saying nothing.

[mingsun]

On my husband's funeral, his cousin asked me: so what is your plan now? At that moment, I want to gauge her eyes out.

[adamlax]

I would advise to mirror their emotional energy. If they're sad and not in the mood for talking, don't try to be energetic and talkative in an attempt to get them out of it. Its best to let them feel how they want to. So in this case, dont say too much and just be present with them. Being there in silence still shows you're there for them and you care

[LovedHappy]

Don't underestimate the power of just being present and listening. Beautiful video, Marie :)

[BestBluesNRock]

My father passed away peacefully 2 hours ago. I live 1, 300 miles away. I'm thankful we prayed together over the phone about a month ago. Through phone calls and texts, I did my best to try to comfort my stepmother and siblings. My daughter and grandson contacted me with words of love and sympathy. Experiencing a loved one's passing is never easy, but God's comfort and promises bring peace and healing.

[laylaisntreal]

My best friends dad just died and hour ago. And I just. Don't know

[danbruno]

"How can i help" is really difficult to answer when you lost somebody so suddenly,

So hard to answer because your minds just racing

[soldwithteamgo]

Twenty-seven years ago I lost my 3 1/2 year old son. When someone losses a child, I never say "I know how you feel". Every situation is different. I actually had someone telling me how their son could have died in a car accident but came out unscathed. I thought seriously, you are comparing your luck with my tragedy. All the suggestions are excellent. Thanks, Jayma

[bukolabankolem]

Never let your fear of saying the wrong thing, stop you from saying something. I feel attacked 😩😩 The exact reason for watching this video is because I am scared of saying the wrong thing.

[hoalbertotti]

This is PERFECT. I had câncer in 2012 and I can say this is sooo good that you´re sharing this. For those who suffer from câncer and lost their hair, another thing you deffinetly should not say is: "the important is that you´re alive" or things like that. You´re saying that the loss of the hair is not important and this is sooo anoying. Also, I were told that I could not have kids and people would say: " you can adopt!" like if this just took the sadness away and solved the problem. Also anoying! Thank you Marie! Just to mention: I had 2 beautiful and perfect baby girls in 2014 and 2016 :-)

[TMCremixes]

The "At least..." part really hit home for me and is applicable to all kinds of situations. I have tons of people doing this and even though they mean well, it only amplifies my pain and suffering.

[ruthjones]

I lost my husband 4.5 years ago. He suffered a cardiac arrest so I had no warning ⚠️ that I was about to be enrolled in the club that no one joins voluntarily - the widow/widowers club. Here are some of the comments that I wished I hadn’t experienced:

1. You need to keep yourself busy so that you don’t feel your feelings.
2. After the funeral you need to go straight out and buy a dog 🐕 to keep you company!
3. It won’t be too long before the men start buzzing around you (this was said to me at the funeral).
4. Be strong 💪 don’t show your tears 😭
5. Don’t cry, I can’t bear to see you cry 😢
6. Why aren’t you crying, didn’t you love him?
7. I felt so angry when you returned to work. I wouldn’t have been able to return to work if it had happened to me. I guess you didn’t love him as much as you said you did.
8. I know I haven’t lost my husband (he was standing next to her), but I’m such an empathetic person I can really imagine the pain you’re going
9. Why won’t you talk to me, I know we didn’t know one another very well before he died but I’d love it if you would confide in me. I keep asking you to talk but I don’t understand why you won’t talk to me?
10. I notice you haven’t been to visit his grave in a few months but you managed to take a vacation- what’s that all about, don’t you love him anymore?
11. You’ve got 12 months and then that’s it, no more grief, no more wallowing in self pity.
12. Oh, by the way, I’m gonna work on you for your own good and get you to sell your home and move closer to me so I can keep a close eye on you.
13. What are you going to do now, what are your plans? (Said at the funeral).
14. Kevin wouldn’t want you to.... or Kevin would want you to.... (never use our loved one against us - this is emotional blackmail and it feels like having knives stuck in you).
15. It’s a bit inappropriate for you to be laughing don’t you think? (Said to me 3 years after my loss).
16. Oh, you’re still wearing your wedding ring (12 months after he died).

Here’s some things that helped me:
1. I’m so sorry for your loss.
2. I can’t even begin to image what you’re going through.
3. Do you feel like coming out for coffee ☕️ today, no pressure I just thought a bit of company and change of scenery for a couple of hours might help.
4. Come out for a walk with me. We don’t have to talk unless you want to.
5. Do you remember the time that you and Kevin came to ours and such and such happened? That was such a riot. (Please talk about them and remember the good times, as this video says, we think about them all the time and just love to talk about them.
6. If the bereaved person cries, let them.
7. Hugs, especially when I’m crying.
8. There’s no right or wrong way of grieving, whatever way you do it will be right for you.
9. I can’t take your pain away but... I can mow the lawn for you if you like/I can walk the dog for you if you like/I can do odd jobs around the house if you need it. Etc.
10. How are you spending Xmas? Do you feel like coming to ours? It’ll be a bit chaotic because of the kids, but the kids and us would love it if you could. (I found being around young children was so therapeutic for me - their innocence and zest for play distracted me briefly from the weight of my grief.)
11. Don’t make any big decisions for at least 12 months.
12. Take all the time in the world to grieve, there’s no time limit.
13. (Said to me immediately after Kevin’s death), your only obligation right now and for the immediate future is to simply breathe. Just breathe. Breathing is going to be hard enough so don’t put any pressure on yourself.
14. Take as much time as you need away from work. There’s no need to hurry back unless you feel like it. And when you do we’ll find a way to see you back in. Right now you need to take care of yourself.
15. Condolence cards by snail 🐌 mail. I received cards from all over the world 🌍 from people I’d never met. It wasn’t the message of condolence that touched my heart. It was the time that they took to write a brief story about their relationship with Kevin, how they knew him, and describing his wonderful personality traits. Don’t worry about putting humour in the card. Such message shows me how others knew him. Since Kevin’s death I’ve taken he time to send condolence cards with detailed messages.
16. Neighbours knocking on the door and popping in for a chat.
17. Friends inviting me for a drink in the pub and understanding when I changed my mind and returned home, and then continuing to invite me out, being patient and understanding until I was able to go out with them and stay with them the whole evening.
18. Social media helped me to stay in touch with many people at the same time without constantly having to repeat the same conversation with different people, which can be exhausting. In fact, social media helped my friends to keep an eye on me. If I don’t post anything for a week I got text messages or phone calls.

Anyway, these are just my experiences that helped and didn’t help.

It’s 4.5 years ago and though in many ways I’m coping much better, I can still have set backs if I find myself in the receiving end of judgemental comments. Though these days I’m much more likely to stand up for myself.

[AllegedlyAlex]

I second not saying "be strong." I lost my dad when I was 19 and I got a ton of messages telling me to 'be strong' and 'keep my head up.' I knew it wasn't intentional, but it sounded a lot like "don't cry" and "your overwhelming sadness is making me uncomfortable. Pleas hide it."

Again, most people on the giving and receiving end know that these statements aren't meant to cause upset. But I was processing an overwhelming amount of grief and small comments like that just gave me more to process.

[clarinetist]

"I am so sorry. How can I help?" 4:16 Simple, kind, and helpful - thanks!

[antoniaboyette]

It's also important to realize the person whom you are consoling is processing an overwhelming amount of emotions and other stimuli, and not to take all their behavior or statements too personally. Whether it is bouts of laughter or being abrupt, the grieving individual is processing in the best way they can. Do not judge. As Marie said, let them know you are there for them.

Also, only offer to do "anything you need" if you are truly in a position to follow through. For instance, if you are heading out of town for a two week trip the next day, then be clear about your parameters (e.i. " I'm leaving tomorrow, but will be back in two weeks, and will check in with you to see if there is anything I can do for you. In the meantime, you are in my thoughts")

THANK YOU MARIE, for this reminder about compassion and support!

[cuteasscourtt]

i just got a text from my boyfriend telling me his dad is dying. my heart sank instantly when i looked at my phone. i responded with a text telling him that i am so sorry & that he’s not going through this alone I AM HERE! i also told him i loved him & im praying God gives him strength to make it through this. after that initial text i looked up this video & now im about to make the hour drive to meet him at his job. he doesn’t know im coming but i just need to give him a hug & be there in person!

[WeDoLoudTV]

Even if we have been through the same situation, we can never truly know how someone else feels.  Maybe we can relate, but we all process things differently.

[therebex]

I agree with most of this - however, I previously learned in an empathy/counselling seminar thing in uni (I was a peer counsellor) that you shouldn't say "I'm sorry" because, even though the person on the other end will probably get what you mean, saying "I'm sorry" makes it sound like you had some sort of control over the tragic event; we were taught to say "I will be keeping you [and your family] in my thoughts and I'm here for you" or "I can't imagine what you must be feeling right now. Can I meet you for coffee?" I was taught to not ask them what they need, since their mind is probably not thinking about what *they* need to feel better, but to offer something specific and comforting (ie. the coffee example). Bottom line, be genuine in your reaction and don't jump to Google for what to say.