Emotional Unavailability and Non Stop Talking

Hello. Thanks for checking out my YouTube channel.

In my videos, I like to talk about Psychology, Healing Attachment Trauma, Relationship Repair, Inner Child Self-Re-Parenting, Love Addiction, Codependency, Grieving Break Ups, Family Programming, Fantasy Relationships, The Romantic Narrative, Primal Panic, Trauma Bonding, Double-Binds, Attachment Styles, Couples Counseling, Better Boundaries, Shame and Self-love, CPTSD Breakthroughs, Emotional Availability, and Body-Focused Psychotherapy for Healing Trauma..

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Alan Robarge, LPC, Licensed Professional Counselor,
Attachment-Focused, Trauma-Informed,
Psychotherapist and Relationship Educator

Emotional Connections Matter!

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Emotional Unavailability and Non Stop Talking

In this video, I talk about how non-stop talking creates emotional distance. A person employing the non-stop talking may unconsciously be uncomfortable with vulnerability, or doesn't have the skills to communicate with vulnerability. On the receiving end of this, it can feel like there is no time to share about ourselves as well.

Questions to answer in the comments section:
What is one thing you learned from listening to this video?
What is one takeaway you can apply to your personal healing process?

Remember to leave a comment. What is your takeaway from this video?

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Emotional Unavailability and Selective Hearing

[AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Hello Subscribers:

Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing.

One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating.

Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning!

As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on YouTube. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through.

I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly.

That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on YouTube. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos.


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Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses.

Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships.

The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met.

While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response.


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I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives.

When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work.

You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive.


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Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution.


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Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos.

And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!”

Best regards,


Alan Robarge
Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist

[deannastatler]

I stopped having friends because these are the people I attract. I'm a listener. I'm done sitting for hours listening to people talk about themselves never asking anything about me or when I say something it is ignored. I can't stand seeing people in restaurants talking someone's head off about themselves and the person/ people with them are just nodding and saying oh? Really? Okay. Blah blah blah. I'm done hanging out with someone who loves the sound of their own voice and is entirely self-centered. I'd rather be alone.

[jammyjay]

All the talking does my head in... i distance myself with these types of people now... ❤❤

[rebeccajones]

This reminds me of a friend I have. I would fall asleep while on the phone with her. She was incredibly self absorbed and I enabled her. BUT, when I broke up with my boyfriend and needed to talk, she left the conversation and said she had to go. The next time we spoke I said "Hey, i have been your "unofficial therapist for 2yrs and you cannot listen to me for one conversation?". So I drew the line and blew her off. 6 yrs later we are confined. She was worried about me and got a message to me asking for my new #. She wanted to start the old cycle. I told her right in the first conversation ' I cannot be listening to all your stuff like I used to'. I cannot be her 'free' therapist anymore.

[exastrisscientia]

This happens a lot to me. I used to sit and listen attentively and be polite. Now if someone talks at me I will listen to a point but then disengage and will disconnect from the conversation even if that means, worse case scenario, getting up and walking away.

[queenana]

It’s draining to talk with these people. They even will continuously cut you off if you attempt to get a word in

[kbc]

I’ve been on both sides of this one. When I’ve over-talked, it has been anxiety-driven and, afterwards, I’ve been so embarrassed. But my listening to others is also a way to not fully connect while feeling better about myself. I am not thrilled about my life, so I don’t want to talk about it. I most often do all the listening and I ask great questions that keep the other person talking and revealing themselves. But then it is time to part ways and we haven’t talked about my life at all. And it allows me to feel very thoughtful and helpful and supportive. Afterwards, I find I want to binge eat because I feel like there is no room for me in the relationship. I feel both superior on some level and devalued, all of which I’ve created/colluded with. It is so frustrating and hard to break the habit.

[rubberbiscuit]

When you are the only one worried about being respectful...

[helenr]

My friend does this. She is so absorbed with her own problems and thoughts you cant get a word in. I spend a lot less time with her now.

[dvickerwoman]

Being in a relationship with a talkaholic was the most desperately lonely time in my entire life. The constant dismissal and rejection. I used to mentally refer to him as “the auctioneer” because he would talk faster and faster during conflicts. And, just like in the video, I used to put the phone down and go get a coffee or snack and he wouldn’t even notice. Finally, during one of the hours-long talking sessions, where he appeared to be raging, but insisted “I’m not, I smashed a vase on the floor to just somehow make a break in the wall of talk/shouting at me and get his attention. Because of that, he said the relationship ended because I had a propensity toward “physical violence”. I still get a knot in my stomach when I think of the talking and am so glad he is gone.

[darlene]

WOW. Ive searched high and low for someone to say what I have been experiencing and I feel like you've just taken everything Im experiencing and put words to it. I could cry. Thank you

[asstanley]

I work with a young woman like this. It's exactly like you say, there's no turn taking. And she fears silence I think.

[MichaelBroder]

My husband (now estranged) did this. Actually, it’s part of his charm, at least at first blush. He never talks about himself. It’s always his ideas about literature, culture, critical theory, etc., including sassy dish about writers, artists, etc. The “audience” eats it up. As did I, when I first met him. But after 20 years with a husband who engaged in all three of the communication styles that Alan discussed in this and the two preceding videos, I was drowning and suffocating and finally found the courage to leave.

[karenlacina]

You've truly 'hit the nail on the head'!!! People talking and telling stories of other people 3 times removed from our relationship!! I don't understand these people. I don't even know your sister-in-law much less than her mother's brother's friend!! I don't care about that they are refinancing their mortgage! etc etc etc. I can't take it anymore. So what's the answer? Cut off the relationship?? When you mentioned the 'seeds' that you plant in the conversation to turn it around to a relevant, emotional point that I'm sharing about myself and it gets run over by flood of nonsense coming from the talkers mouth. Very hurtful!! Extremely dismissive. This is why the I don't bother to contribute to this sea of words.

[raccoondon]

I’m 72 years old and have been not allowed to talk at all or interrupted way too much ( all my life ) by various people that are incapable of being silent. I often just give up on people and let them blab and blab and blab ENDLESSLY. Here is what works for me. I try hard to avoid those people at all cost. Thus the problem is solved. Out of sight, out of mind.

[johett]

Being in this exact situation for six years I understand. This video has really given me some clarity. I have been beating myself up for years being in this long term relationship with the emotionally removed talker. He was a good man to me but he never shut the hell up and constantly complaining and would tell the same stories over and over and over again. Yes, I was the huh huh person on the other end of the one sided conversation 90 percent of the time. And that was good enough for him. He just wanted me to hear him talk it seemed like. And as you said he never clued in that I was not interested.  Thank you for sharing this video. It has really helped me to move on peacefully. I still care about him but I know there is nothing I can do to change the fact that it is all about him and always will be. There is too much going on in his head to ever let me in and have a healthy relationship. I knew it on the 1st date. Six years later I finally couldn't take it then ended it. And you know what? He just blames it all on me. He really has no clue...But you know what, that's o.k. I'll except that if it makes him feel better. I don't need to be right. I just needed to be done. Thanks again for all the information and help.

[heidibrigham]

This is great! My husband is a monologue king! 25 years of marriage and this hits the nail on the head! Thank you for articulating what I couldn’t ❤️

[silviaschulz]

Hi. Actually I am one of those excessive talkers myself. I call it babbling. I know it is most of the time disrespectful for the person at the end of my talking. It is actually not about connecting, the other person doesn't really play a role, beside providing the safe space for processing myself. I do it to structure my intrusive thoughts, to get some clearity into my crazy mind (I am deeply traumatized).... The person doing it cannot stop it or connect with the other person at that moment, as the inner storm is so huge, that there is no space for anyone else - it is not a communication therefore. I can imagine, it is hard for someone who has to endure it.

[alastairsmith]

Was in a long distance relationship with someone like this for a year, when the lightbulb finally switches on and you realise that even though you talk for hours on the phone you never really discuss anything, it really hurts. You realise that the other person isn’t even interested in knowing you. After the breakup I tried to get them back and just to hit the point home, when I asked if they missed me, they told me that they just missed talking to me 😂

[leann]

As a care taker people pleaser I endured hours of boring being talked at. Now that I'm not a people pleaser I no longer allow myself to be a doorpost. I disengage as soon as possible & tho I still get a twinge of guilt it is worth the sweet relief of not listening anymore. Your video finally gave me the why of this - as an emotional wall for protection. I thought it was a symptom of mental illness. Loving your videos and spreading the word!