Why Avoidant Men Reject Love

Why do Avoidant men seem to run away from love, the most wonderful thing on the planet? In this insightful video, The Attachment Specialist Adam Lane Smith delves into the complexities of Avoidant Attachment style in men, shedding light on why they may pull back just as a relationship is about to deepen into real love.

Drawing parallels to the constant risk assessment of avoidantly attached individuals, Adam explains how love becomes exhausting for them. He unravels the three main reasons why avoidant men may retreat when faced with the prospect of genuine connection: the constant risk assessment, the fear of being let down, and the perception of love as a trap.

But there's hope. Adam offers a roadmap to nurturing a fulfilling relationship with an avoidant partner. He outlines three key steps:

Create Refreshing Love: Clear communication and explicit expectations alleviate the overwhelming risk assessment process for avoidant men.

Nurture Love: Self-correcting behavior and emotional discipline reassure avoidant partners, proving that you are dependable and caring even in times of conflict.

Foster Freeing Love: Establishing clarity and negotiating fair terms within the relationship helps avoidant individuals see love as a source of resilience rather than a trap.

Adam emphasizes that avoidant men crave love deeply, despite their apprehensions. By embodying these principles, partners can become the beacon of safety and understanding that avoidant individuals have been searching for.

If you're navigating a relationship with an avoidant partner or seeking to understand avoidant attachment better, this video provides invaluable insights and practical guidance. Join Adam Lane Smith as he explores the depths of love and attachment, paving the way for fulfilling and enriching relationships.

The HOW TO LOVE AN AVOIDANT MAN video course is now available!

Join The Mentorship Program:

If you enjoyed this video and want more content like this, do me a favor: be sure to hit that like button, leave a comment, and don't forget to subscribe to the channel!

Share it with your friends, and hit that notification bell so you never miss an update. 🛎️ Let's grow this amazing community together! 🚀

Work with Adam Lane Smith, The Attachment Specialist:

The 4 Attachment Styles Guide - Free! 📥

If you’ve struggled in dating or marriage and worry you’re not good enough, worry no more. The Attachment Specialist Adam Lane Smith wrote this guide to show you how to stop fearing abandonment and start building healthy relationships. Through his proven step-by-step method for repairing attachment, Adam will teach you what people really want from you, how to give and receive love without fear, what red flags to avoid, and how you can build a lifetime love with a partner you trust.

Slaying Your Fear - A Book For People Who Grapple With Insecurity

Connect with Adam on your second preferred platform:

Chapters:
00:00:00 - The Fear of Authentic Love and Avoidant Attachment Style
00:02:18 - Understanding Avoidant Attachment Style
00:04:42 - Understanding Avoidant Attachment
00:07:11 - The Exhaustion of Love for Avoidant Attachment
00:09:36 - The Pain and Exhaustion of Avoiding Attachment
00:12:09 - Three Reasons Why Avoidant Men Run Away from Love
00:14:50 - Providing Clarity and Safety in Relationships
00:17:27 - Building Emotional Discipline
00:19:50 - How to Understand and Communicate with your Partner
00:22:22 - What an Avoidant Attachment Style Needs to be Happy

[AttachmentAdam]

The HOW TO LOVE AN AVOIDANT MAN video course is now available!

[itsorganic]

In my heart, I wanted her more then anything. But in my mind, I thought I was less deserving then anyone else. The pull away and retreat is so hard, because I know it hurt her deeply when all she wanted was to get closer to me, but in my mind, I was doing it because I wanted to spare her from the reality that is myself. So many times I just wanted to scream at her to find someone else, not because I didn't want to be that man, but because I thought I was incapable of being that man. It's difficult to want something and someone so deeply, but to be so crippled by your own reservations that you can only find a way to retreat from the situation.

I am sorry that I hurt you, its not because I didn't care for or want you, just that I couldn't trust or love myself enough to let my own guard down and take the chance. I wish I would have when it counted, and not come to terms with things so much later.

The shame burns deep, but the pain of those lessons tells me that I cannot keep carrying on this cycle, something must change.

[CharleneMarshArtist]

Hard to have a discussion when they disappear whenever they start to get close to someone. No disagreements, no conflicts. Just getting close is enough to scare them off. One day, a warm and fuzzy rabbit, the next day a cold eyed, reptilian snake. I was so bewildered by this type of behavior, having never seen it before, I did some research and learned about the avoidant attachment style.

[KaylaNoelle]

It’s so hard not to feel rejected and insecure based on his actions sometimes. A while ago he said to me “honestly, I think any man would want you.” Like that should have been glaringly obvious to me. So now I feel like we’ve both been in this cycle of feeling like we aren’t “good enough” for the other. Which is so silly. I just want to be happy and spend more time together 😢

[jonqualey]

Adam, your right on the money. I'm a recovering dismissive avoidant. In the past I would evade any women trying to get close to me or otherwise showed any interest in me. After a successful evasion, I would feel great relief as if I had just escaped from a trap. I would think : "just leave me alone - I don't want any trouble".

Thanks for these videos. For some reason at this point in my life, I accepted the fact that I have a problem and I started reading books and watching YouTube videos on the subject of avoidance. The key here is acceptance of my situation.
Now, a few months into this, my life has changed drastically for the better.

[LDelight]

I remained consistent and present with the avoidant I was dating and he continued to find ways to attack me and take out his frustrations on me. It's hard to stay nurturing when you're needing to keep setting healthy boundaries. I felt taken for granted.

[jillbeemer]

You can't apologize or mend things with someone that just dissappears without a word. Thís is exactly the problem. You want to communicate & talk about things like a normal person. But they shut down & dissapear. So how can you work things out with an Avoidant?

[williewonka]

My dog is constantly seeking love from me, and never would I deny it from him. He has earned it.

[cosmopolitan]

I love that you wear a suit. So different than everyone else. Your communication style is excellent… direct and confident

[-_--_-]

Do men like this a favor and leave them alone. If they feel trapped, give them all the space in the world by leaving them. Don’t give them the benefits of a relationship without the responsibilities. Too many women suffer at the hands of avoidant men. They damage women and the children that result from the relationship. The compassionate thing is to not let them do this by removing access to you and your love and presence. This will create the conditions where they will need to get help to heal and grow up so they can be proper husbands. Having a loving partner is a profound privilege, and people need to respect this gift by being loving partners in kind.

[deborahkalavrezou]

He says to me, What is Love? He says he wants a relationship, but is too busy, he looks at talking about issues as fights or too deep. He treats me as one to listen, nod and agree and sex only. It is very harming on anyone for self worth, to go through all this kind of behaviour and feel as if it is all my problem of how I can get him to drop this massive guard./ brick wall. Tired of it all at the moment, to carry on trying to fix him. I feel it is a waste of my life right now.

[cintia]

I love your work but my experience is that this is endless non compensatory work. Avoidant men have turn me avoidant of them, you can’t really have a conversation with them. This can make some women obsess about changing them, saving them, making understand what love is, it never, never works.
I don’t believe avoidant men can change.
Best to leave them in their lonely safety till they make the decision to change themselves and make the effort.
They are not worth the pain, or the effort.
They’ve been betrayed? I’ve been betrayed by all of them.

[hspinnovators]

It's so sad how much they are depriving themselves too. A marriage is jet fuel with a healthy person. That's when all the growth and joy and magic and legacy and community impact happens. They can't see their value

[Sofiarey]

I'm lucky to have an older (60yo, recovering) dismissive avoidant as a friend/coworker. She tells me stories about her boyfriend. They would break up but "he just kept coming back", they've been together 12 years next Sunday. She said she fought it for 10 years, but the last 2 years she "accepted this is how it will be". She has admitted that she would be in a terrible spot if he left now.

My biggest takeaway from having many avoidants in my life is that it is rarely an issue with me.

[namelessbrat]

Can you make a video for things that avoidants themselves can do to fix their attachement?

[Winter-gm]

I’m letting an avoidant person go. I will not waste my time fantasizing about what we could be if he just allow me to love him, express his feeling etc. It’s depriving both individuals. I have no time for it.

[michaeldavis]

You hit the nail on the head with most of it and in most instances! I feel like some avoidant men (me in particular) might just be selfish though. I’ve had and lost a very loving family and after years of learning to be on my own I just prefer that lifestyle. My girlfriend struggles because she wants to give me that diamond you spoke of. And I know its value, but I value my peace and solitude more. She’s a good woman so I try for her sake to be a good partner and maybe in the future I’ll value that diamond more. But it’s hard when you can’t see the problem with being avoidant. She knows how I feel and is determined to stay with me. I wish I had it in me to want what she wants. She deserves that much. Great video.

[XenaGem]

So frustrating. If avoidant men expect other people to betray their trust and they are deathly afraid of it happening to them, why do they betray their own loyal partner repeatedly?

[kayyy.beeeee]

Loving this man has been the greatest privilege of my life. I am a changed woman because of him. I will fight to my bare bones for this to work and if it never works, I will still be greater than I was before

[LexiGailOfficial]

Comment sections where DA’s actually engage are so encouraging to me. As an FA leaning dismissive I’ve never found a place on the internet where this attachment isn’t demonized. Adam, you’re a star!