How Disorganized Attachment RUINS Marriages

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For the past two years, many of you have asked me about disorganized attachment style and its effects on relationships. As a former marriage and family therapist and now an attachment specialist, I understand the struggle of trying to prevent disorganized attachment from damaging marriages and long-term relationships.

In this video, we’ll explore how the combination of anxious and avoidant attachment styles can lead to significant disruption. I recently ran a poll, and over half of the 1,600 respondents identified with disorganized attachment style, highlighting its importance to this community.

We’ll dive into the latest research showing that up to 10% of the population may now be dealing with disorganized attachment, up from the previously estimated 5%. We’ll discuss the social issues exacerbating attachment problems and focus on how disorganized attachment leads to emotional turmoil, unpredictable emotions, and relationship challenges.

You’ll learn how disorganized attachment forms from childhood trauma, often confused with borderline personality disorder. We’ll explain the behaviors of both loud and quiet disorganized attachment styles, including emotional manipulation, low self-esteem, and difficulty in self-soothing.

The impact on spouses can be severe, with emotional exhaustion, confusion, insecurity, and feeling unseen and unheard. We’ll offer solutions to manage and improve relationships, such as tracking emotions, open communication, scheduling check-ins, establishing boundaries, and trust-building activities.

If you're struggling with disorganized attachment, consider joining my Attachment Circle mentorship community or attending the Attachment Immersion Retreat in Vail, Colorado. These resources provide the third-party support needed to reprogram disorganized attachment and build healthier relationships.

Disorganized attachment is a learned behavior, and with the right experiences and support, it can be unlearned. Reach out for help and start your journey towards better relationships today.

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Chapters:
00:00:00 - Disorganized Attachment Style and its Impact on Relationships
00:02:08 - Flipping between anxious and avoidant
00:04:10 - The Disorganized Attachment Style
00:06:14 - The Disorganized Personality
00:08:26 - The Impact on the Spouse
00:10:35 - The Quiet Disorganized vs. Loud Disorganized
00:12:41 - Building Trust and Healthy Communication in Relationships
00:14:47 - The Four-Week Rule for Behavior Change
00:16:52 - Seeking Help for Disorganized Attachment Style
00:19:07 - Reprogramming Disorganized Attachment Style

[mackenzielewis]

This is totally me. While in a relationship I tend to pull anxious but once I have been hurt I become super avoidant as I wait for them to hurt me again and eventually walk away.

[cynthiafigueroa]

love the analogy the “freak gasoline fire” story is spot on 😂
i was a disorganized attachment for most of my early years and then after being with a dismissive avoidant for so long i became anxious preoccupied. Now i’m dating a guy who is seriously disorganized attachment and i am soo grateful for this channel and Thais Gibson’s podcast/content because it is helping me to understand him and myself. He is a great guy with so much wounding and i am trying to navigate this relationship. I feel like i have a map now and its so helpful.

[wtastic]

This is so helpful. Thank you! Please, please, please more content about this attachment type! Especially the quiet style.

[tlmqmzy]

"Find someone stable in your life" If only we could! That's why we have this. We don't know anyone stable 😅
Thank you Adam for making it make sense though.

[MsJackieHoliday]

I am a "loud" disorganized as you call it, I was trying to change myself for a very long period of time, but it is REALLY hard. So I solved the problem by not dating anymore, and I am feeling perfectly fine now.

[Pheonix]

Adam, could you please start a playlist of all your videos dedicated solely to disorganized attachment style? I want to be able to put that playlist on continuous automatic play from one video to the next without having to search for your other videos on this topic in between. I think those of us with disorganized attachment would greatly appreciate that. Thank you for your consideration.

[lodewijkkleijn]

Adam thank you for clear and detailed analyses - found them recently after a string of other channels that, whilst having good content and providing some eye-openers, where overly focused on selling programes. My question: you mention that vasopressin bonding may need to preceed oxytocine bonding for the disorganized attachment style, but: does this apply to female and male disorganized styles? My gut feel is it pertains more to the male side, my focus is how to understand and adapt to the disorganized style of my female partner.
Thank you also for defending avoidants against generic blasphemy of the and (my) anxious community:-)

[michellepackman]

I believe I'm quiet disorganized, but I am not at all manipulative. I maybe overthink my actions based on my principles and they are almost always aligned. My issue is getting into abusive relationships and not being able to advocate for myself. I can see how "loud" disorganized can be manipulative but I dont see those behaviors in myself. When I do bring things up, I think the timid energy makes my partners gaslight me more. It's hard. So I'd say the challenges I face in my attachment style are so much more about self-advocacy.

[eastridge]

Sometimes they break containment and go out with other people had me laughing. The disorganized are loose again! 😂

[bmylesk]

@Adam, how best can you adovid these type negitive style attachments with your kids? Mine are young. Im a divorce dad who sees my kids every Thursday and every other wkend. Im fearful avoidant and their mother has made bonding difficult between kids and I. This would be a wonderful video series for divorce parents and i would love to share my story.

[Pheonix]

Thank you very much Adam for making videos to help those of us with disorganized attachment style. There are at the very least a minimum of 1 million of us around the world. So many people have been severely abused starting in early childhood. Dysfunctional families are so common now.

[TheHouseOffice]

13:36 anxious boiling until we pop, then avoidant running screaming

[whatshappening]

From my experience actually wanting to be in the relationship you are in really helps

[JoyleiaJo]

15:17 the 4 week rule for personal changes

[honeyjain]

I had to listen twice to make sure I was getting it right yaa need more clarity on the loud disorganised style as well as is there a spectrum in that too?

[bridgetbanwell]

i really need thid course but financially cant commit atm

[socol]

I’m an FA leaning anxious but becomes avoidant with a significant other if they lie or betray me in some way so as to make me feel unsafe

[camvdb]

Adam I am really struggling with my long-term anxious girlfriend, the lack of trust and constant mean outbursts rooted in insecurity are really getting to me to the point where I am considering a break up despite all of the good I see in them. Would love some advice for dealing with an anious partner, lately its only been avoidant advice.

[bridgetbanwell]

My ex came back after a yesr. i was asking so many questions he said he didn't need any stressed and its ended again.😢

[cougmom]

Adam, thank you. I wondered about the high percentages of Avoidants who cheat. Since many Anxious types mate with Dismissive Avoidants, and you mention in another video that DA’s who cheat are roughly 70%, wouldn’t it be possible that Disorganized Attachers - who make up a much smaller percentage, are accurate in perceived infidelity from a DA?