Surviving Infidelity: Four Ways to Help a Betrayed Spouse See the Unfaithful Spouse Differently

Today Samuel shares important key principles to repair the lens a betrayed spouse sees their unfaithful partner through.

- What kind of affair was it?

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“The Recovery Library gave me 24/7 support because I could be up at 3am and search for the topic I was struggling with. It also helped as a couple because we could investigate topics together so it wasn’t subjective. I trusted this information because it was from professionals who also had lived through and recovered from infidelity. Double credibility in my book.”
- Amanda, Florida

HEAL with Affair Recovery:

[carrilazarus]

Can you just tell me how to breathe? Just breathe. No tears on the exhale, no more palpitations, no more agony and just breathe?

[organizedgeorge]

Yep. THIS. Don't give the betrayed lip service, then keep your business-as-usual behavior (with or without "acting out") and pressure or lecture the betrayed about their own recovery. 

Unfaithful: 
QUIT the secrecy from your spouse; 
QUIT compartmentalizing your life; 
QUIT putting one ounce of onus on the betrayed as if they are somehow responsible for any of your behavior. 
OWN IT. EVERY DAY. Then maybe we'll see you differently. 
Amen.

[ForeverCurlyCatrina]

1. Get to ground zero. Full disclosure. 2. Take action. Read books and articles. Find support, and get accountability. Basically, do repair work on your own. Don’t just check the boxes they assign you. INITIATE CONVERSATIONS about triggers and recovery!! 3. Be patient. Don’t expect betrayed to say or do things before they’re ready simply because you’re suffering from withdrawal. 4. Sacrifice. Whatever that means for you. Voluntarily lighten the load of the betrayed. Don’t complain and be consistent. It makes a difference.

[christinesweeney]

At 18 yrs from Dday, Here's my experience and dilemma which is the worst part of feeling unsafe/safe. My spouse was my go to security/sanctuary in times of crisis. Now he was the unfaithful i ran from but left me with no one to run to for this devastating revolation. I know this sounds weird but I now see him as a split personality.

[ellagarlick]

So after more than a year of increasingly horrific discoveries, just a few months ago I found out the worst yet. I have tried, so hard, to get on the road to recovery and to support him while trying to survive this. He’s tried too. Therapy, counselling... But the way he’s let me discover it all - his ongoing lies, even if he was just afraid of how I might respond to the truth - it’s destroyed me. I have nothing left to give. I’m living in total fear of what might come next. He swears there’s nothing more, but he’s sworn that on at least a dozen occasions. So even if it’s true, how can I - stuck in a trauma pit so deep I can no longer see sunlight - find a way out? Shouldn’t I just give up? I’ve lived this for nearly two years already. Now it sounds like I have up to another 18 months before I’ll feel like a human being again. I don’t know what to do.

[St.Irenaeus]

Samuel you hit the nail on the head yet again. You've turned my entire recovery process around in the best way. Your passion to genuinely help is refreshing brother. You are an inspiration to me and I appreciate the consistent content of amazing information. God bless you and samantha and fam

[monicarodriguez]

Sam, thank you for all your videos. My husband has been with his lover for over 2 years, and he does not want to do any type of recovery. He has done nothing to show true remorse at all. He has abandoned our daughter that is 14. I tried to be patient and gave him so many ways for him to rebuild his relationship with her, but he never gave her the attention she needed instead he preferred to be with the other women. Today he shows anger toward me when we did talk and at this point I have given up. I pray for him every day but I will not allow for him to continue to have control. Thank you for your videos they have been so much help to me at this time. May God continue to bless your family.

[mymelloww]

My husband doesn’t want to do therapy and is tired of me being sad all of the time. He cheated on me January 2020. Can’t you imagine “tired of me being sad all
Of the time” oops I’m sorry I’m hurt by your actions

[captainillly]

Thank you for taking time to do these. I'm blessed to have access to your knowledge and grateful you care to share ❤️❤️

[DennisPittsenbarger]

Have watched so many of your videos and this is the first comment I've left, spot on. I've tried to tell my spouse that what she has done to me/us and her lack of even being able to detach from her affair partner ("ended" it a month ago, then "ended" her affair just again last weekend) and expecting me to even get a chance to be mad, grieve or even think about forgiveness is madness. Just can't thank you and all the people from this channel for helping me not think I'm taking "crazy pills"

[agma]

Sam - I hope that you and your family are well. We all appreciate your work and your commitment to reaching out to our community and provide perspective on such an evil, unjust situation. Hugs to your all!

[CassadyTube]

Oh yes. That was the exact message i needed to hear right now. Thank you Sam. I’m 3 months out And doing as much work as it takes. Just hope it she sees the change for the better Thanks again

[BenjaminBrown]

Thank for keep up with videos. They really help. It help's my wife and I who just started to process of healing after 2 /12 years. We have a road ahead of us. Great video. I need it right now.

[mostlypeacefulgaydy]

I really want to thank you for your videos. I'm a betrayed. My wife is a diagnosed bipolar sex addict. I see all the work she is putting in. But, my D day was only March 4 th. A ridiculous amount of flings in a short period of three months was uncovered. I'm trying. But, it gets so hard sometimes. I've been diagnosed with PTSD. My physical triggers, she removed out of the house. My mental trigger's. I am getting therapy for.

[kristineellithorpe]

Samuel, You have been such a help to me and my spouse since discovery and disclosure these past two years! Thank you so much! You and Samantha give me hope.

[loricampos]

I belong to infidelity support groups and am asked for help daily. I direct them to you. Thank you for everything you do.

[chikarayleigh]

Good morning brother Sam. My girl and I have been going through recovery and I don't think I can ever get over the betrayal from her but these videos are really working magic. She asks for forgiveness and gets frustrated until she cries and yells out in anger and then cries more than before. I hope she really becomes a better human being. Thanks and God bless you

[brandybrewer]

Thank you for still making these videos. I look forward to watching them each week.

[sXeSnowmansXe]

Just stumbled across this a few days after my spouse revealed the affair to me. We're working on it - thank you so much for this. You'll have no idea how hopeful this makes me feel.

[tressaht]

After 3 years I learned sometimes the Betrayed won't get help because it's up to the unfaithful to fix themselves. Betrayed didn't do anything wrong, it was done to them. So the unfaithful needs to be the one to fix themselves. With that said...after years of the unfaithful doing everything to improve and change and then the betrayed still isn't satisfied and still shames you for what you did to them...what then? The unfaithful impacted the relationship but now we are talking about 2 people in the relationship growing together. The thing about ANY relationship (affair or not) is growing and healing TOGETHER. Yes, one person caused it. But no matter what trauma people have been through, you still need to heal and get better. Most of the time this isn't with the person who hurt you. It can be from childhood/adulthood. Either way, BOTH need to do the work to get better.