Specific Games Avoidants Play (The Silent Treatment & More)

If you want to learn to build a fulfilling lifelong relationship with the man you love and help him understand and cherish you in return, pick up your copy right now.

Did you know that avoidant partners often engage in specific behaviors when they're about to break up? This isn't about cruelty, but rather a series of patterns that unfold as they prepare to end the relationship. I'm Adam Lane Smith, the attachment specialist, and in this video, I'll share insights from over 10 years of working with avoidant individuals. I'll help you understand these patterns and provide strategies to prevent these hurtful games from affecting your relationship.

If you're new to the channel, welcome! Whether you're a new supporter from my live streams or just discovering this channel, I'm glad you're here. In this video, you'll learn how to spot the signs of an impending breakup with an avoidant partner and how to address these issues effectively. Stick around until the end for a special offer on a resource that can help protect your relationship or build lasting fulfillment if you're an avoidant individual.

We'll cover the following key points:

The "Disappearing Act": Gradual distancing and decreased communication.
Passive-Aggressive Provocation: Subtle digs and criticisms aimed at chipping away your self-esteem.
Accidental Sabotage: Unreliable behavior and trivial fights that erode trust.
Self-Sacrificing Gambit: Pushing you away by claiming unworthiness or inability to meet your needs.
Stonewalling Strategy: Emotional unresponsiveness and withdrawal from conversations.
These behaviors often stem from a fear of intimacy, a desire for control, and an inability to have difficult conversations. Recognizing these patterns is crucial for addressing the underlying issues and fostering a healthier relationship.

For more in-depth guidance, check out my "How to Love an Avoidant Man" video course. Use code YOUTUBE25 for a 25% discount. This course provides valuable insights into understanding avoidant attachment and building a secure, lasting relationship.

Facing these games can be overwhelming, especially after moments of deep connection. But with the right knowledge and approach, you can navigate these challenges and strengthen your relationship. Drop your questions in the comments, and I'll be here to assist you.

I'm Adam Lane Smith, the attachment specialist, dedicated to helping couples build better relationships for over a decade. Thank you for joining me, and I'll see you in the course!

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Chapters:
00:00:00 - Games Played by Avoidant Partners Before Breaking Up
00:01:21 - Signs of Avoidant Behavior in Relationships
00:02:48 - Games Played by Avoidant People
00:04:15 - Manipulative Avoidant Behavior
00:05:43 - The Manipulation Tactics of Avoidant Partners
00:07:11 - The Blame Game in Relationships
00:08:46 - Games Played to Avoid Responsibility
00:10:19 - Helping Avoidant Partners Be Happy
00:11:44 - Resolving Attachment Issues in Relationships
00:13:05 - Building Better Relationships

[Shanieceflordi]

Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really loved him so much I can’t stop thinking about him, I’ve tried my very best to get him back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of him, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss him and just can’t stop thinking about him

[happyfayez]

The stonewalling, pasive agressive comments and insults, breadcrumbing, unavailability, chosing to not respond to requests to discuss anything, being perpetually busy etc etc etc No thank you. It hurts even more because I'm an anxious attatcher. If I never have another relationship with another person thats ok, I can get a puppy and have a relationship with myself ❤

[try]

After two years he told me he needed to work on himself because he's messed up and he just wants me to be happy with someone else. He complained about everything I did. That he is not IN love with me, I don't have passion, we don't have the same taste in music, food, and cleaning style. That he's settled his whole life and is now pursuing the woman he wants. It hurt but I am willing to let him pursue the woman he wants while I do the same. What I learned when men pursue women based of physical features and no substance they all receive the same ending.

[Adam-hxgw]

I asked her what her role was in her last breakup. She said “I could’ve been less of an asshole”. When we split she said “I could’ve been less of an asshole”. I guarantee she’ll say that in the next

[kittydoggyMeow]

YES. Especially the "nobody can pin anything on me." They avoid taking responsibility.

[BirdieHaze]

Yes… I got the “ you deserve someone that’s not in and out all the time”. They burn themselves out on their perceptions of what you want and need, not what you actually do want and need!!

[Nyenae]

Spot on. The little jabs you talk about. My FA ex STILL does this to me, finding little ways to insult me, but in a 'friendly' tone, commenting on my age, my outfits etc. I'm used to it now so I don't let it get to me in any way, it's both funny and sad when you think about it. My FA when we were together used the words 'always' and 'never' so much, "you ALWAYS do x" (something that's happened twice) "you NEVER do y" (again, something that's only happened twice at most). Like he would get super focused on the perceived negatives, blowing it way out of proportion. Used to really grind my gears!

I also experienced the slow fade with my FA ex, he would drift away and once that started, I learned that meant that in about 2 weeks time he would end things (often by letting me know he's met someone new he would now date... which would never last past 2 months but that's another story). I appreciate your content, it's very informative and helps with the healing :)

[franceslynn]

In the 10 year span of my relationship my avoidant did all of these. I understand they are scared and hurt but they damage other people in the process of "protecting" themselves.

[shalondraprather]

Dealing with an avoidant man. I just had a conversation with him the other day and I specifically mentioned his avoidant style of dealing with our relationship. I told him that I would be okay if he’d just explain to me why he operates the way he does, and I’d be more than happy to let him go if that’s what he wanted, which of course he said that it wasn’t what he wanted. Then I told him that in order for us to go anywhere in our relationship we needed to be as open and honest with each other as possible. We were friends before and I have no problem with going back to the way we were, but I told him he needed to step it up, be able to express himself in an adult manner or move out of my way so I can move on with my life. There’s no reason for two adults not to be able to communicate effectively with each other when the goal is a secure loving relationship. So he has some decisions to make. In the meantime I’m focusing on myself.

[earthmanx]

i'm an anxious attcher, and nowadays I'm just totally avoiding avoidant person to date. I have no energy or time for avoidant people anymore. There are more people who are securely attached so if I see any hint of avoidant, I'm gone!

[a.d.b]

He started rolling his eyes talking to me sometimes. I gave him his wish. I got a far better BF now.

[jm]

I did most of these things unknowingly in a new relationship. Previous 30 year relationship, I did not. My self esteem bottomed out. I hated my behaviors and immediately started therapy. I may have ruined the only love I've ever known. None of it was a 'game' to me. I was scared and lacked communication and bravery. I am learning to communicate. Being yelled at when I would sense anger and then I would shut down, only made it worse.

[cleopatrajones]

Adam, I’ve gone through these steps. It’s soooo much work! I have to be the one to initiate the conversations and so on…then he broke up over text. I said sure and asked what his thinking process was. I can do the work but I can’t be the relationship. I decided to stop asking questions and let him go. Too much work. There’s got to be men willing to face their fears with me

[alexandramaria]

Hello Adam,

Another amazing educational video. As a teacher I'm teaching my students attachment theory and how they should use it to their learning advantage, plus form healthy relationships with others. 

Now about the topic in this video, all these games will come with loneliness and creation of superficial dynamics. Healthy/relatively secure partners will be put off. At the end of the day, it's very sad.

Not sure if you accept video suggestions, but it would be great to teach people how avoidant surroundings (family & friends) collaborate to blow up intimate relationships.

Hugs from Portugal.

Alexandra

[roboy]

Good video. I've read recently "games people play". I've witnessed these games plus the game: "let them fight against each other"

[ladyenfamouz]

Dealing with my ex honestly felt like a full time job and was emotionally draining. I would find various ways of trying to make him feel safe, whilst trying to be heard. If I didn’t communicate well, it was my fault. If he didn’t communicate well, it was my issue because I wasn’t listening. All roads led back to me - so essentially, he never had to compromise or self reflect. Looking back, I can honestly say that I tried my best and then I burnt out. I left. He just didn’t want me or us; and I am accepting that is OK. 43 days no contact and counting. It’s sad to have his name no longer popping up on my phone, but the games were too much for me.

[headshot]

We just can't deal with the stress of confrontation, anxiety and panic attacks.

[MarionFiedlerMusic]

Dang, I have gone through this before... I don't want to be on the receiving end anymore. It's confusing. It hurts. I can't keep my head up anymore hopefully...

[Musicisthelanguageoflove]

I've experienced the... U-turning on arrangements at last minute I'm overwhelmed/I fear you overwhelming me.... The I can't give you what you need/I don't want to hurt you .... The 1 word replies, stonwalling, silent treatment for weeks and months. It is deffinatly game playing. He deffinatly knows what he's doing. They move the goal posts so can't match them, then if you do match them they then find other "reasons" to not go ahead. Yet they keep breadcrumbing to feed their ego and actual need of affection until you finnaly break and call them out on their bad behaviour. Then they say "this is too much"... "kindly leave me alone" . Then they seek anew person who they also tell they want a proper "relationship" with. A proper relationship is what he calls "not causing any problems" meaning only on my controlling terms with very limited imput only in terms as I decide I want to give.

[heavennewfy]

Game 1 - he says I make him tired. Seeing me 1x a week is good for him. I just thought he’s an introvert so said ok bc I love you.

Game 2 - he says he wants to focus on being a cab driver, driving Grab nonstop. I asked why he trampolines with his friend and not me. He says his friend and him thinks alike. Now I know his friend is avoidant like him and asks him to focus on enjoying his “freedom and independence, ” words he never used until recently. He wanted to spend his life with me. What happened?

Game 3 - he says I endanger his life by bumping into him on the escalator by standing too close. Or putting a blind fold on him to show him to a surprise music place.

Game 4 - he says he’s not invested in the r/s as I am. This is the same man who asks me to spend his next 25 years with him. He is 50Y old. He says maybe he just loves me as a friend.

Game 5 - after his slow fade (which I didn’t recognise bc I never experienced it), he gives me the silent treatment when we took a four day course and kept ear plugs in his ears as I stared at him with tears in my eyes, not understanding why I thought the man who was “the one” would treat me this way.

I finally told him - you got cold feet, didn’t you? He looked at me with pain and a frozen look in his face and nodded.

He didn’t even want to try to talk things out. Literally nothing happened. We didn’t fight. I thought everything was going fine as we were planning to move in together April 2025.

He said he loved me. Why would he throw us away? For fear of intimacy and vulnerability?

What the freak is wrong with him? Such poor decision making at 50Y old. And for choosing to break my heart. I gave him all my love. And would have done everything and anything to make him happy. 💔