3 things NOT to do when setting boundaries!

Last week we talked about signs that you may struggle with setting boundaries, now we're talking about things NOT to do when setting boundaries with loved ones - that may be with people from work or an intimate relationship or perhaps it's with friends or with your parents (mother, father). Setting boundaries are important and vital for not only self care but healthy relationships. So if you're asking yourself how to set boundaries at work or how to set boundaries with your parents or friends, then let's start with what not to do when setting boundaries. In this video I'll talk you through the 3 things not to do when setting boundaries at work, in your home, in your relationships. And if you're looking to be better at setting boundaries in your life and creating more freedom and healthier relationships, then I am hosting a 2-part live healthy boundaries workshop Jan 6 and 13.

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If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call a local emergency telephone number or go immediately to the nearest emergency room.

[bobgalida]

I truly didn’t see it coming but, after years of being Mr. Nice Guy and being taken advantage of, I finally approached my friend and directly explained that I will no longer accept the behavior. That person hasn’t contacted me at all since then and it’s been several years now. The loss of a friend can be difficult, but that boundary simply had to be placed.

[rebeccaoprea]

I learned that we can’t get mad at people for overstepping boundaries if we didn’t put them up or honor them to begin with . It starts with us, not them .

[MadailinBurnhope]

there's nothing wrong with cutting off people who are harmful to you

[YOU-niter]

My reminder that my boundary settings are important these days after years & years of being a people pleaser is “ the only people who are upset at you setting boundaries are the ones who benefitted from you having none”

[shayshaymann]

I always say, if you have an issue with my boundaries, chances are you’re the reason I have them

[TarkMcCoy]

"You think you've got everything together, then one dropped boundary and everything blows out of proportion."
-The Universe

[genericname]

I definitely used to just cut off every person who hurt me because I was mistaking the discomfort and pain of my unrealistically high expectations of friendship being broken for "unhealthy" or toxic people/behavior. Honestly though, that's a very lonely road to be put on. People who do genuinely care for you will sometimes hurt you on accident, and it's not fair to either them OR you to just reflexively cut them out of your life because you're more concerned with avoiding emotional pain than building a connection, claiming that "if they hurt you, then obviously they don't care." Again, it's not about controlling other people. If you think you're better off without them, cut them out! But be careful you're not really just justifying other unhealthy coping mechanisms.

[christfriedrodeyns]

The tip I missed is: Don't give up on setting boundaries. We al set a boundary and a few minutes later "oh, that can do for this one occasion, but the next time..." My experience? If you give in that once, other people think it's not once but for ever.

[selfhelpchampion]

Hurting someone else will not ease your pain but being kind will. – Unknown
It is essential to understand that hurting someone can never relieve you from your pain. We often remain hurt, and in the process, tend to hurt other people too! 
However, it is essential to understand that when we hurt other people due to our own anger, depression, or frustration, it can no way give us any relief.
It is important to understand that when you hurt other people, it gives the other person wounds, and that way, none of your wounds get healed. Hence, the best way to deal with your own troubles and wounds is to deal with them.
We know that it is easier said than done, and many a time, we react at the moment without trying to understand the situation of the person on the other side of the table.
It is high time that we should keep ourselves in their place and try analysing the situation with a greater maturity.

[georgepalmer]

Some of the hardest boundaries to set are boundaries with drinking buddies when you're trying to quit drinking altogether.

[jamhermann]

It's really hard and sometimes impossible to set boundaries if there's a power imbalance / financial dependence etc. More tips on that would be great! Right now the only thing that keeps me sane is internal emotional boundaries, as in detaching emotionally from the other party as well as I can.

[joshuab]

Timestamps

0:00 Intro
0:50 Ask them to change the way they interact with you and think you're done
2:47 Focus on trying to change their behavior
4:05 "All of Nothing" boundaries
5:34 Example of "thinking you're done"
6:11 Example of "focusing on changing their behavior
7:18 Example of "all or nothing "

Hope this helps people :)

[lissac]

I also find it's so important how you word a boundary. And how you word your response when one isn't followed. I can set them. But the follow through is sometimes harder. I am learning.

[Andrew-eobv]

My biggest problem is telling someone to not be verbally abusive, or to disrespect my privacy and then have them tell me I can't stop them. And then getting really upset and acting horribly because they wouldn't stop. Now I understand it's up to me, to just walk away and hopefully they eventually stop harassing me. Although I'm pretty sure I need a lawyer at this point.

[chesterbryanlibrado]

I'm 18 years old and in my freshman year as a psychology student from the Philippines and your videos are really helping me learn more about myself and most especially about people. So thank you so so much!

[viktoriavadon]

Tip instead of separate work and private phones: get a dual SIM phone and two different numbers. You can disable the work SIM/number without turning off the phone and the other number!

[Fred-ffbv]

i maintain boundaries by disassociating from those who lack the basic ability to understand them.

[johnward]

This is a very important topic. I am passive so my boundaries get tested all the time. It never ends. I find I usually go over the top in enforcing them.

[rachelwong]

It’s so hard to set boundaries because you only learn about them through trial and error, like no one can give you specific examples to follow because it’s so personal

But I guess that means if you experience it yourself, it really sinks in that certain boundaries are critical for you

[mspears_bobobuddytheseniorcat]

Thank you Kati, this was really helpful and liked that you made a point that it's not us trying to change their behavior.