Are You Avoidant? Or Just Scared of Abandonment?

►► Discover the 5 Surprising Reasons Men Disappear
Unlock Your FREE Guide by Going to . . .

▼
Don’t Miss Out! Subscribe to my YouTube channel now.
I post new love life advice for you every weekend.

▼ Get My Latest Dating Tips and Connect With Me… ▼

▼ Connect with Stephen ▼

[Josh-dpiu]

It’s ironic we counter our fear of abandonment by abandoning others

[TheGoddessEnlighten]

I needed to hear this topic!! I’m avoidant because I’m ok being alone. I was dating a man and he was so sweet, and understanding, respectful, and attentive. He thought I was cold and I didn’t have strong feelings for him like he did. I recently broke a pattern. He would tell me he would miss me usually I would be quiet, but we haven’t seen or talked to each other in a couple days. I realized I missed him. I struggled with texting because I didn’t want to be the first to text. I knew I was afraid. I thought my thats it he is gone. Out the door. Or he is going to ghost me. I made a conscious choice to text. Usually when afraid I tell myself I’m not going to live in fear. Texted him. Telling him I missed him and he better not be asking for other woman’s phone numbers. I was actually shocked that he responded fast with “I miss you too. I won’t.” Dating him I realized I have patterns of cutting people out, not letting people in not because I’m afraid of rejection but being used in some way or judged. I love that Matt said you use as a form of growth. In past dates I would enter with zero expectations and don’t care if he likes me or not mentality, See what I learn from the experience. I discovered when like someone I tend to contain and not show any emotion. When the man I date shows genuine displays of affection in public it makes me uncomfortable. I am getting more comfortable and receptive. I met him at car wash. I wanted him to talk to me and he did. He wanted to take me out to lunch. We had breakfast the next day. Let’s see where this goes! 🙏🏼

[hortensejones]

“People don’t know what you don’t tell them”. There’s a gem!! Thank you!

[bunniewood]

i dated an avoidant and it was the worst experience of my life. These people have a lot of fear and I'm not into that

[delgalfo]

I was abandoned many times in relationships, from that experience I learned the difference between reacting and responding to a situation.
Take a step back, see the bigger picture and respond accordingly to the situation.
Reaction is fear-based.
I believe that is crucial when taming your own fears.

[refreshingtwist]

Not totally finished the talk yet, but as a fearful avoidant, I think one word that can also be used in this discussion is, CONTROL. I think I have a high desire to control a LOT of situations. So, I always have one foot in and one foot out of romantic relationships - and if I sense someone pulling away, I very much want to be in control of that situation - and I will definitely leave things first...so that my ego is not harmed as much. Very true.

[yesreneau]

I’ve found that the beginning of relationships suck for this reason. A boundary is crossed early, you see it and think “damn, this is probably going to lead to the end of the relationship”, but then you have to be vulnerable and force yourself to sit with an uncomfortable situation… which usually pans out exactly the way you anticipated it would, so it sometimes feels like “dang, should’ve just ended it at the first red flag and spared myself all that anxiety that came from sitting with the discomfort”.

Like, these guys come from nowhere into my life, start causing problems, and then my peace is affected while I force myself to hold the space and be vulnerable… cool. It’s like they’re mosquitoes who fly into your space and suck the life out of you, and you’re like “hold up I just want to make sure they’re not a butterfly”, but in the meantime you get bled dry.

[gegehaha]

the problem w avoidants are they do this to people that has pure intentions, resulting to additional avoidants in the future 😅

[farrahlipsham]

Fighting that need to run for an avoidant is like facing a huge wave coming at you, watching it get freakishly big, and you don’t know when it’s going to break - you just know how bloody painful it’s going to be IF it comes down right on top of you.
But you don’t learn how to read and ride the waves like a pro by swimming back to shore all the time.
It’s tough guys but like Matthew says it’s so rewarding in the end to do these tough things. You’ll feel proud of yourself and it’s that self esteem I think a lot of avoidants need to build. Rejection hurts so bad for us because it “proves” to us that we’re not lovable or good enough. Rubbish! If they leave and you did your best, head up kiddo and it’s THEIR loss not yours. Learn your worth.

My biggest problem now isn’t rejection but trying to not be attracted to those who are more likely to reject me! Gah! Work in progress.

[zmazzyhtx]

This hit me so hard I started tearing up. My pattern of running out the door at any sign of conflict is very much a trauma response. But I appreciate this conversation so much. I started seeing someone new recently and it’s really healthy and balanced and I have been working on my avoidant issues. I’m definitely going to aim to be more vulnerable and vocalize my triggered emotions before I do anything. You guys rock. ❤ love from Houston Texas!

[jenniferan]

This conversation is so helpful! The space between stimulus and response is hard to hold when you are scared. Abandonment is very scary, and trusting that someone can hold that space is just a scary. Trust is everything!

[minerva]

Interesting! When the man said the anxiously attached stays too long (23 minute mark approx) because they are "afraid to be alone" that didn't occur to me as readily as the idea that they stay because they believe in the strength of the relationship and their feelings for the other person--they believe in the ability to work together through the difficulties. Some partners do understand that their person is afraid, but want to give their person full autonomy to work through their fears--so they wait patiently. I totally support the vulnerability to tell the person that you are afraid of... and to give them access to what you are thinking/feeling. "People don't know what you don't tell them, " so be brave.

[Goldenheart]

What Audrey says about fearing that people we love may leave our lives is something that everyone can relate to. People come into our life for a reason, season or forever. For whatever role and length of time they are meant to stay they teach us lessons about ourselves and others. One of the greatest lessons that I have learned along the healing path is to embrace and appreciate each person I come into contact with. It has really helped me in this area of being able to let go of the fear of losing others and to enjoy and learn from them while they are still here. 💛 Great video and 💯♥️ love the female energy and perspective that Audrey brings to the table and conversation.🫶

[soulfitcounseling]

*Adults cannot be abandoned, only children can.*

One of my favorite phrases from a therapy retreat on trauma I attended! 🧡
That phrase or thought is very young. Meaning you're emotionally a child at that point, not a bad thing! I experienced it often before deep trauma work. It's the inner child within that is scared, needing to be nurtured by the functional adult- YOU. No one else. 🌈💙

Regressions by John Lee is a fabulous book on healing this.

[jessiegolightly]

Running away out of a fear of abandonment IS an avoidant attachment response

[GodammitNappa]

Recently figured out I'm an avoidant but not for fear of abandonment but more the fear of rejection or negative situations that I cannot handle. I avoid emotions and intimacy. It was one reason I ended my relation currently. Here's hoping I can start working on myself from here on out

[CatherineJones]

Just LOVE it when the four of you get so deep en pick one anothers' brains for philosophical (and scientific) answers. So constructive. So inspiring. So stimulating.

[kittycatsheavenog]

That is an incredible shift. I never really thought to tell my ex " I'm feeling like running away, becuse im scared you might leave me" EVEN though . That's exactly what was running through my mind

[bibilym]

This is on the money! Thank you guys for this content! I’ve been seeing someone and I was starting to feel a little scared because, I’m starting to like him. Last night we talked about some of my fears, and he opened up and has some similar fears as well. I like that so far, we both seem to be working on ourselves, and can have vulnerable conversations. Vulnerability is so hard for me. He isn’t someone I ever thought I’d date because we’re so different, but I’m enjoying getting to know him. He seems to be enjoying me as well. Will keep you guys posted.

[fsol]

If you are an avoidant stop dating until you figure this out. There are only a few good men (and women) out there, then they get emotionally damaged and lose hope in love thanks to avoidants. It's very painful to deal with avoidants, giving something as pure as a heart to someone who will constantly look for faults or dismiss you for being secure. Conversely, anxious people need to chill too, and work on this. Stop stalking and look for people who can fulfill your needs.