10 Signs of a Toxic Friend: How to Identity a Narcissistic Friend

10 Signs of a Toxic Friend: How to Identity a Narcissistic Friend

In today's vlog, I'll answer a viewer question that asks: How do you identify a narcissistic friend?

It's a good question because there's really not a lot of information out there about toxic friendships.

I'll give you the top 10 Signs that your friend is a narcissist and that you're dealing with a toxic friendship, right here.

What do you think? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments section and let's discuss!

[antoinette]

I would add that the narcissistic friend is always competing with you about everything. They are pathologically envious of everything you are and everything you have. In short, they would like to be you and since they cannot be you; they desire to make your life hell with their antics.

[marcalarca]

I am ending a narc 'friendship' ... AND it feels good!

[SaharaAP]

I notice when they fall off the face of the Earth I accomplish more, I go out and make new friends, and i'm much happier. This all before I knew what narcissism was.

[maryholton]

And always trust your gut. My narc ex friend was a very positive upbeat charming person. Yet, I would get uncomfortable feelings in my gut. I ignored them because she did not fit my idea of a toxic person. So, when she blindsided me with her devalue and discard, I went into total shock.

[richenoiretv]

My former "friend " flipped when my husband and I bought a house even though she has a house. I had to minimize how pretty the house is just to make her feel better. When she asked me for the price and I told her, she laughed uncontrollably for a good minute because it was considerably cheaper than hers. Didn't mention to her that we got a good deal on a fixer upper and paid cash for it while she's not a third into her mortgage. She would've died if she knew. Needless to say we're no longer friends.

[dawnhapgood]

One friend in particular always called herself a nice person but I always had a gut feeling something wasn't right. She did her best to pretend to be sweet and caring but deep down it was all a facade to manipulate me into doing what she wanted.
- any plan I made she ignored or tried to change my mind but any plan she made HAD to happen.
- she would withhold things from me, for example, if she borrowed a necklace, I would never get it back.
- lying to me about others, putting me down and making me look stupid in order to make herself look better.
- highlighting my faults, especially in front of others.
- blaming me for not making more effort to see her but she never visited me once while I was ill.
- she would trick me into carrying her bags or paying for things for her, for example a few times we ordered at a restaurant/bar and when it came to payment, she just walked away and left me with the bill (again, she knows I don't earn very much). A lot of the time, she leaves her bag behind or leaves it with me and walks off saying "bring me my bag" like I'm an effing servant.
- only ever wants me around when she is bored/has no one else to hang around with.
- boasts about how amazing her life is on the daily.
- tries to convince me I have got mental health problems and I need to see someone.
- patronises me and my career saying I can't keep up with her.
- LOVES drama

the list goes on...

It hurts because I believed her when she said she was a "nice, laid-back friend" when really she thrives on drama and I can't be bothered to appease her anymore.

[jimbodeathgrip]

In the past year I have gotten rid of both a toxic friend and a toxic family member. It was only once I'd done it that I realised they were both playing the same games with me. Here are Ten things I noticed.
1. Everything was about them - family member asks me how I'm doing since my mother died, I say not very well, then boom "Well imagine what I'm going thru, it's worse for me" - friend has heard from me lately, I say I've been ill, then straight onto her drama
2. Ruining my moment - Friend has massive crying "I hate myself" drama on my hen night, then the day before my wedding does it again. Family member - I get engaged, first words out her mouth "You know he's going to die before you" (I'm a lot younger than my other husband). I get bullied by family members to invite her to my wedding, I ask her not to talk about my mother, she does, asks me what's happening with my mother's ashes, on my wedding day!! She also had two attention seeking "falls" on the day.
3. Time stealing - calling, keeping me on the phone, texting, keeping me awake, waking me up because they need the attention, especially if I'm with my husband. He can't have my focus, they need it, causing my partner to resent them and my willingness to give them what they ask for
4." Poor Me" guilt trip - Every time they start a sentence "It's alright for you, you have..."
5. Sorry, not sorry - Apologising for something then immediately giving me all their reasoning for doing it and how that was the right thing.
6. Talking about everyone else - I would cringe at the things these people would say about their friends and family all in the knowledge they are doing the same to me to those other people. Seriously, they didn't have a nice thing to say about anybody.
7. Same shit, different day - Let's have this discussion for the hundredth time until I see it their way, which I don't and never will.
8. DRAMA - There's always something in their life that takes precedent over everything else, my family member is always faking being seriously ill, my friend always had either man trouble, a drinking problem, was lonely blah, blah blah, all the time.
9. Lies and other people - They'll tell you something, tell someone else something different, then get mad when you and the other person talk and find out what's really going on. I've betrayed them. They didn't betray anyone by lying to me or anyone else.
10. Never happy, always bitter - Their lives are never happy or content, negativity just seeps out of their pores.

[Andypandieful]

I did the discard. But first I told her what I knew she was and with examples. Then told her she’d never get better.. no cure. I’m free of her disgusting behavior after over knowing her 30 years.

[evacarol]

Long comment, sorry! Thank you for a great video! :) I am nine months no contact with a toxic friend and so far it has been a long, enlightening, and sometimes scary journey of self discovery.

In my personal journey, I have found that going no-contact from toxic friends gives you the space to begin healing. Also, please know that these types are not really "friends". They can hide under the cover of being a "good friend" just as some narcissists hide under their social cover of being caring, or pillars of the community. 

Try to separate their words from their actions. If a "friend" is continually telling you how good a friend they are,  or how much they appreciate your friendship... but in reality they are sabotaging you, belittling you, punishing you if your try to establish healthy boundaries, refusing to listen to you or allow you to say "no" to them, not showing empathy to you,  taking credit for anything positive you may do, complaining to you about how awful everyone else is in their life,  constantly making you hustle for their approval by meeting all their needs (whether or not it is good or right for you to do so),  insisting that the friendship occurs only on their terms, setting rules for you in the friendship which they then refuse to follow, using your weaknesses/fears against you to gain control over you, or using any sort of emotional or spiritual manipulation... they are not a friend. Try repeating this to yourself aloud. "So-and-so (inset name here) is not my friend." I was so gas-lit into believing that this narcissistic ex-friend was a "good friend" that I had to consciously remove that label in order to critically look at the abusive patterns that had played out in our "friendship" over the years.

Good friends will offer each other unconditional love, with no strings attached. With narcissists there are always strings attached. Always. They only show "love" to get in return, often using a single act of "generosity" or remembrances of the love-bombing phase to guilt targets into self-sacrificing for the "good of the friendship" (aka. the good of the narcissist). Real friendships do not involve this very calculated kind of give and take equation that narcissists thrive off of. Real friends share, listen, empathize, and offer support to each other. It isn't about gaining control, or manipulation, or one party dominating the other. It's about helping to encourage and love each other as well as loving yourself.

If you are feeling guilty for going no contact with a toxic friend,  try to release those painful emotions by knowing that you are finally going to become a best friend to yourself. Offer yourself love and care. Think loving thoughts about yourself. Give yourself the validation that you may have been trying to "earn" from the narcissist. Recognize the people in your life who are trying to build you up, and nurture those relationships instead. Real friends don't try to tear you, or others, down. Real friends respect each other's boundaries. 

Also, when problems or conflicts come up in healthy friendships, these problems can be actively resolved by talking it out and coming to a new level of understanding. Sometimes you might just agree to disagree on an issue, but sill remain good friends. With narcissistic friends,  conflicts will never be truly resolved, no matter how many times you might try to address them, because the narcissist is not interested in change or seeing things from your perspective. They only want to dominate, to "win", and all the while pat themselves on the back for being such a "good friend". It's all just another source of supply to the narcissist. Again, be a good friend to yourself and give yourself permission to go no contact from harmful types who masquerade as "friends". <3

[idontcaretbh]

You just described a friend I used to have, especially talking about themselves constantly. Once I had a family member in the hospital, which was really stressful. I told her about it and she responded by saying that if anyone should be anxious, it's her. She then started complaining about not getting enough attention and how she feels "so unloved". Yeah, we're not friends anymore.

[patriciaperkins]

I wish I saw this video years ago! You are so spot on. I finally got rid of my toxic friend and a weight has been lifted!!

[HarmonyB]

My best friend of 14 years literally ticks every single one of these boxes.

[pumpkinmomma]

Yeah I have several friends like this that I don't talk to anymore. Occasionally one of them will contact me when she needs something from me but then disappears again. Hey, stay absent as long as you want for all I care. I feel much more at peace just being home alone or with my family. I'm done with drama and negativity. Getting too old for this crap lol

[dillonmitchell]

Toxic friend will also never take responsibility for their things but only turn all back on you for calling them out on how they treated you. Even if share problems with relationship and instead of listening and be supportive they will say that its maybe you

[JBroader]

Just got rid of a toxic coworker "friend". This narc friend has a habit of reporting to work late and leaving early. A friend of mine who sits next to him complained about his tardiness to our manager who eventually wrote him up. The narc would complain to me about my friend "snitching" on him. I was wondering "why is he complaining about my friend who reported him when it's true that he's stealing time?" To make a long story short, this toxic friend, who has never confronted this neighbor (my friend), blames me for not taking his side on the issue. I told him that I don't take sides when friends are having conflicts. He doesn't understand how I can associate with someone "intentionally harmed him" and has stopped speaking to me. Now I understand why he's been married three times! You're right, narc people never want to own their shortcomings; they want to always blame others.

[ramaat]

I recently had to start phasin one out. She always has drama going on, we would never have a normal conversation. She was always complaining about something. I always left feeling drained. I started feeling sorry for her just because I cannot imagine being in such negative space and turmoil daily. I work with her so I still see her but I just limit conversation to hi and bye. I learnt not to ask how she's doing otherwise here comes the pity party and drama. I just couldn't do it anymore. And another thing they won't ever ask how you're doing, they just want to dump all their emotional, negative garbage onto you

[lannyslough]

I had a friend listen to this. He said you were opinionated. And didn’t want to listen anymore. Being rude and condescending. So... You weren’t negative. He was.

[vermillionsky]

I'm ending a relationship that is toxic. She has put me down and made me feel bad for too long. She gets off on feeling like she is my savior. But always asks me for help and I'm exhausted! I've helped her with so much and whenever I say no to doing something for her she throws my past mistakes in my face and cuts me off from her kids that I love. Its such a one sided relationship and i am done. Ten years is too long. I think i have a tendency to gravitate towards narcissistic people because i grew up with a narcissistic parent and I recognized that as normal. Whenever you meet someone and theirs always drama happening in their life run! That's my advice. I wish I would have known what I was getting myself into.

[wildangel]

I wish more People will make videos about toxic friends! especially the covert ones. the negative ones are obvious. i have one who isn't negative, even spiritual. BUT every time we interact I get a feeling I can't put my hands on. the comments she lives on my social media posts always leaves me wondering wtf. .I can't call it out as outrightly mean. and when I call her out on it, she always says she didn't mean it any bad way..
she doesn't talk too much about herself. more like I just feel she calls me often to hear about my woes and feel better about her life but as soon as I got my act together and started doing better generally, she noticeably distanced herself from me.
even called me out of the blues to say she dreamt about her getting on a train n me catching up later. My gut felt it was a shade about me becoming financially stable after her but then I don't want to be paranoid.
I have other friends but she just gives me very weird vibes.

[sophiemorrison]

i had a friend years ago who bordered on psycho. was possessive about our "friendship". she would lie about showing up at my door and ringing my bell when I saw her through the window. back in the day when caller i.d. was new she blocked her number when she called my house and hung up when I answered. then she would show up at my front door unannounced. never told me that she called and even denied it when I asked. the incidents were too many and scary to list here. she couldn't deal with me having another friend. in my head she just tripped too many signals. i finally let her go gradually but she did leave a nasty note in my mailbox where she accused me of being a backstabber. i made the right decision by letting her go.