7 Subtle Signs of Toxic Parents

What are some of the toxic things that your parents have said to you? Are your parents perhaps narcissists? Have your parents been unsupportive, expect the worst from you, pressure or overburden you, made you the parent? There are some subtle toxic behaviours that parents do that could harm your mental health. Please watch out for them and consider sharing this video.

DISCLAIMER: This video is meant for educational purposes only. This video is not a substitute for professional advice, but for general guidance.

Writer: Chloe Avenasa
Script Editor: Vanessa Tao
Script Manager: Kelly Soong
VO: Amanda Silvera
Animator: Lesly Drue
YouTube Manager: Cindy Cheong

References:
Dunham, S. M., Dermer, S. B., & Carlson, J. (2012). Poisonous Parenting: Toxic Relationships Between Parents and Their Adult Children. Journal of Family Psychology. Routledge, 2012.
Jurkovic, G. J. (1998). Destructive parentification in families: Causes and consequences.
Levine, M. (2006). The price of privilege: How parental pressure and material advantage are creating a generation of disconnected and unhappy kids. HarperCollins Publishers.
Strayer, J., & Roberts, W. (2004). Children’s anger, emotional expressiveness, and empathy: Relations with parents’ empathy, emotional expressiveness, and parenting practices. Social development, 13(2), 229-254.

[Psychgo]

What's the worse thing(s) that your parents had said to you? Comment below.

[loomonda]

The worst part about growing up and living with a toxic parent, is internally battling with the fact that you naturally love this person BECAUSE they are your parent, but also battling with hating them at the same time at times for their cruelty...

[frontline]

I started crying throughout the video from how much this is too similar to my family. Apart from me, I hope everyone who goes through the same situation gets through it. I love you all here

[lalaforuuu]

One thing I’ve learned about toxic parenting is never opening up to my own parents. I recently did, and my trauma was belittled and invalidated by targeted response. Nothing I said mattered, and I’ll truthfully never open up to them again after this incident.

[annabrown]

TOXIC PARENTS EFFECT EVERYTHING AND HURTS YOU SO MUCH IT MAKES YOU SICK TO BE AROUND THEM 💯

[blairbitch]

Recently I’ve started noticing signs of psychological abuse from my mother. I was discussing her negativity with my father and she was psychologically abusive to him as well. Turns out when I was younger I almost drowned in a pool and my mom called my dad an idiot for diving in and saving me. Most of the time I feel angry at my mother but whenever she even shows the slightest bit of kindness I feel extremely guilty for all my angry thoughts about her. I honestly don’t know how I feel about her anymore.

[maya.srinivas]

Honestly, you can get rid of toxic friends but its soo difficult to live in a toxic household.
Waiting for the day I'll be financially independent enough to leave them and start a new life.
No outsider has had a role in effecting my mental health as much as my own parents.
From physical abuse to using me as a pawn because they have a hard time with each to making me feel like I owe them my life because they feed me, they have done everything because I was helpless and young.

[hannahhofmann]

Things I never heard my mother say in my 43 years on this planet: "Yes, you're right", "I believe you can do it" or "Well done, nice job". Oh, and "I love you", of course.

[riddhimanroy]

My parents were extremely overprotective of me. For 18 years, they did not let me go and hang out with friends or socialize at any event or party. They thought that I would either be spoilt or waste my time. They said the family is a true BFF (like in this video). They thought that they were doing this for my good, but actually, it only instilled so much fear and anxiety in my brain. Now that I am going to college, I can finally have some freedom from them and be happy.

[katrinamendoza]

"Finding signs of a toxic parent: watch the personality of the child." - Oogway Master

[jaladhipatel]

1) They are unsupportive and don't believe in you 0:35
2) They expect the worst from you 1:06
3) They pressure and overburden you 1:38
4) They make you the parent 2:10
5) They are emotionally dependent on you 2:47
6) They don't communicate with you 3:23
7) They use you as a pawn in their problems 4:06

Hope this helped!

[INotBlue]

My Mom is always like this... She always put the blame on me when a problem happens. She kept calling me a mistake and a failure... At first, I didn't mind. I thought she was just really stressed with her work, which cause her to be mad. But...no. She does it every single time. With or without work. I made sure to be the best child for her, but, she didn't notice it... Only my mistakes are the ones she sees. It's as if she regrets having me. She keeps on comparing me to other children. Like, she usually makes me feel like I'm just a stranger to her. What hurt me the most is that she said, "Oh, how surprising. You cry? I never thought someone like you would." I guess she just doesn't see my cry so bad... That's why I feel relieved when I figured out that I'm not the only person having this problem. Not that I'm happy people are going through this, but, I just don't feel alone... So, thank you... For making this video. It makes me feel better.

[tdkrznx]

One thing I notice toxic parents do is that they break down your confidence whenever you start something new. This happened to me when I was in 5th grade and I wanted to learn to ballet so bad. My dance teacher told me I could attend her dance tuition for a week to get an idea of how things work there. I went home and did some steps in front of my parents and they were like "You don't have flexible hips. Dancing shouldn't be forced so it'll just be a waste of money even if we enroll you into it." THERE they broke my confidence and till date I'm insecure abt dancing in parties and even around my frnds. Pls don't tell anyone they aren't good at something when they start an initiative. Parents need to be a factor of motivation for their kids but sometimes they end up doing the opposite. 😔

[queenofthepote]

My mother's actions towards me have definitely played a big role in me being a people pleaser. Sad thing is I still sacrifice so much to please those around me (primarily her). I recognize it when I do, and though it makes me feel like a failure, it's like I can't stop 💔 I'm so conditioned that losing things that I want to make it easier or better for her is natural ... but it has made me almost numb.

[ChristianDMyrie]

The abuse, stops once we all take action.

[katarzynaludwikakowalczyk-]

I am a mother of two (8yo boy and 6yo girl) and this video helped me realise my errors. I love my kids, I do my best and I'm doing fine for the most part.. Unfortunately I deal with depression and mood swings, so I must be very cautious not to overburden or parentify them. Thanks for creating valuable content!

[cakefrosting]

For all those struggling with toxic parents, stay strong. Sending hugs for everyone.

[tamaraserrano]

Living in a Hispanic household, trust me, will always be toxic. 😂 but to be honest, one thing I’ve learned, personally, is that though my parents are toxic…they never had the education that we now have. They never were guided to be parents or knew how to be better for us. They dealt with us with their best ability (I’m talking about certain parents, not all). In the Hispanic household, we’re easily shown “tough love.” But it’s because that how they dealt with everything. So they believe they’re doing what’s right. I’m not justifying their actions, but also, understanding what’s behind them because they also are humans.. (:

[jennagarza]

This memory sometimes haunts me even now. I was going through my senior year of high school and was feeling overwhelmed and burdened with a lot, and what tipped me over the edge was the fact i was slowly realizing someone had been using me for their own needs. i began to think i was worthless, and i had snapped. I ended up having a crazy breakdown at a get together my friends did for me for my birthday.

My mom arrived to pick me up and saw me crying. I ran inside the house to avoid getting numerous questions shot at me, which would make my anxiety attack get worse. My friends and a guardian with us tried to talk to my mom about things and apparently things had gotten mixed up and they thought i wanted to die. what didnt help is that some of my friends yelled at her, and her being an authoritative person, didnt take it well. she dislikes some of them to this day because of that. my mom finished talking to them, and got me in the car. it was silent for a moment, and then she started screaming at me while she drove me to the hospital for a psych eval. i was terrified and definitely didnt want to be there. I didnt want to be anywhere.

She grounded me and took my phone away, thinking some of my friends caused my "bad or abnormal behavior." I tried to tell her it was her that was making me crumble like this. she didnt give me space or freedom to be myself, or even trust me doing some things away from home. I kept a lot of secrets from her for that reason, shed look down upon what id believe or think or even what id want to wear or do and tell me it was wrong, depressing, or "God says this is wrong, god says you cant do this". she was so afraid id turn into my brother that she made sure with all her might it didnt happen.

when i told her that, she laughed at me. then she said something along the lines of, "If you think its my fault, then you really do need help." she would defend and deny anything that makes her look bad. shes done a lot of gaslighting. And i think she also got mad at me because i was only diagnosed with severe anxiety, not any suicidal tendencies. the bill mainly. i spent a lot of time under watch from her and a lot of arguments broke out. what hurt the most is that my dad, who usually sticks up for me and tries to keep my mother at bay when she gets like this, tried to defend her actions. he probably doesnt know everything i've gone through. neither of them do. which is why it was so much more frustrating.

everything's okay now, but i just wish she'd let go of trying to control me. I'm in my first year of college now, and barely know anything, let alone how to care for myself. I'm trying though! I sometimes freak her out if i dont call her or even text for a bit, but im only doing that so she'll realize i need space now more than ever. things have gotten a little better, but it still needs a LOT of work. i mean A L O T.

Edit: im going to be 21 soon, I dont think its getting better, but I'm still trying. She just wont leave me be sometimes. I'm still pressured to attend college and work at the same time (tried to pressure me to get a second job or work close to full time while attending college as a full time student with a very full schedule most of the time, very stressful). Im currently trying to see if I can become a certified welder (backup career stuff) and maybe take classes on botany, as well as try to get an internship with graphic design. She thinks I'm weak just because I can't work multiple jobs while doing school and raising a family like she tried to (even though she had to drop, I'm almost done with my first degree). I think I seriously need to see a therapist again. That's all. Thanks for reading.

[feliciatran]

For other people who have toxic parents, I'm really sorry to hear that! We don't deserve that at all and we are loved!