Why adult children go no contact, according to science

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Intro music: Church of 8 Wheels by Otis McDonald
Outro music: Lensko Let’s Go

Time Stamps:
0:00 Intro
1:40 Why adult children go no-contact with their parents
9:17 Discrepancy with what their parents think is the reason
15:21 Estrangement is a process, not an event
17:10 TaskieHusky
19:19 Effects of estrangement
22:10 What the average participant might want their parent to know

References:

Gilligan M, Suitor JJ, Pillemer K. Estrangement Between Mothers and Adult Children: The Role of Norms and Values. J Marriage Fam. 2015 Aug;77(4):908-920. doi: 10.1111/jomf.12207. PMID: 26207072; PMCID: PMC4507819.

[nathan]

"You weren't perfect either."

I was also a child??

[phoenixkali]

I didn’t shut them out to teach them a lesson. I shut them out because I learnt my lesson.

[schrodingersmechanic]

I didn't break off contact with my mom to punish her, I did it to stop punishing myself.

[mecia]

"It's never just one person's fault " - I was a CHILD. I was not equally at fault for the bad relationship with my mother.

[julieblair]

People underestimate how prevalent abuse is.

[jnl]

Expecting an abusive person to actually believe and admit they're abusive is where everyone goes wrong.

[thenerdasaurus]

I think a big reason parents tend to blame a third party for their kids cutting them off is that they are incapable of viewing their kid as a full person. Thus, they cannot imagine their kid making such a decision — or any decision, for that matter — independent of some kind of outside, “nefarious” force. It’s really disgusting, honestly.

[geogriapeach]

Im tired of everyone saying respect your parents. You dont understand how awful they were. We need to save ourselves.

[joyful_tanya]

"I didn't break off all contact to hurt her, I did it to become a person."

100%

[rotatopotato]

“Estranged” is a funny word because, growing up in an authoritarian household with plenty of physical, verbal, emotional abuse, it’s not as if my family and I were ever close. I was just stuck there.

[willhockstein]

I use to tell my mother as a child and teenager “if you keep acting like this, you won’t see me as an adult.” The abuse didn’t stop and I haven’t spoken to her in over ten years. It’s the only time in her life anybody has held her accountable for her bad behavior and it totally flummoxes her

[MistelleDanette]

I think parents need to understand that you can’t treat people (even your kids) like crap and expect them to want to be around them when they are finally old enough to have a choice.

[beatsintime]

Children don't just self orphan themselves for the heck of it.

[adcaptandumvulgus]

Having grief for the parents you never had is rough.

[redwarrior]

When I was a child, I didn't have imaginary friends, but when I reached my 60s I created imaginary parents for myself. They are calm, kind and love me just as I am, everything I never got when I was growing up. Some people would think it's crazy but it's comforting to me and doesn't harm anyone.

[nirmalkarthik]

The fact that all the comments (and presumable viewers) are the adult children rather than the parents says a lot

[Octobris]

To anyone who is a parent and says "you weren't perfect either"
That might have been true, but also, THEY WERE A CHILD AND IN NO WAY RESPONSIBLE FOR THE WAY YOU CHOSE TO TREAT THEM.

[wesleyfirkin]

No contact is a form of setting a boundry so the other person is no longer able to harrass and/or abuse.

[etherraichu]

Sometimes the parent not understanding the reason is a big part of the reason.

[atomic]

One of the worst parts is always seeing them fall all over themselves trying to suck up to and curry favor with strangers