Do Narcissists Choose to have Trait Narcissism?

This video answers the question: Can people choose to have trait narcissism? The construct of narcissism is a personality trait that tends to be stable over time. Most of the time we think of narcissism as normal and adaptive. When the levels become elevated, they can become problematic (pathological narcissism). Narcissism is also associated with being low on the agreeableness trait in the five-factor model, so being disagreeable. There are two types of narcissism: grandiose narcissism (overt) and vulnerable narcissism (covert). Grandiose narcissism has characteristics like being dominant, having a sense of entitlement, being extroverted (so high on extraversion in the five-factor model), callousness, a sense of superiority, and a tendency to exploit other individuals (manipulative). Vulnerable narcissism has characteristics like being insecure, fearful, being sad, being introverted (low on extraversion in the five-factor model), having what's referred to as shame-proneness (tending to experience shame), being hypersensitive, angry, and aggressive. Sometimes when we talk about these two types of narcissism, the term narcissistic personality disorder gets mentioned, but narcissistic personality is different than grandiose or vulnerable narcissism. Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) also has nine symptom criteria in the DSM: a grandiose sense of self-importance; fantasies about wealth and power, believing oneself to be special or unique, requiring excessive admiration from others, a sense of entitlement, a tendency to exploit other people interpersonally, a lack of empathy, envy, and arrogance. The construct of pathological narcissism doesn't overlap perfectly with narcissistic personality disorder. There are two factors to pathological narcissism: grandiose narcissism and vulnerable narcissism. Vulnerable narcissism seems to have a lot in common with borderline personality disorder, but the overlap is not perfect.

[dianaboughner]

I agree that a person doesn't choose to become a narcissist but my experience is that they do choose to gaslight, non-validate, entrap/imprison, use and abuse etc. Also, I think they need to be held accountable for the pain and suffering that they inflict on their target/s.

[chanceDdog]

I liked how dr.grande presented bullying.
My take is we should not call kids snowflakes when they complain about bullying, but coach them on how to defend themselves with facts and well reasoned words.

[SK_TorON]

Thank you, Dr. Grande! In my opinion, there is no choice to have high narcissistic traits as far as temperament is concerned, i.e. that part of personality with which we are born. There is also probably little choice during first 6 to 10 years of life, when family determines almost everything for the child. But starting from late teens, and then throughout life, one can choose to be less narcissistic. For example, one can decide not to be afraid to appear vulnerable. One can decide not to engage in self-enhancing behavior. One can deliberately ask others about how they perceive a situation, and to try to develop empathy. But the problem is that these kind of choices would have to be made AGAINST the prevalent "success strategies" of our society and culture. If someone has innate narcissistic traits, he or she does not need to make any choice to be narcissistic: they only need to relax and "go with the flow". The negative consequences of narcissism will come of course, in due course: first, for those around a narcissist, and then-when "there's no-one left to torture" (Leonard Cohen)-for the narcissist himself or herself. But by that time it is probably almost impossible for the narcissist to undo the many years of the way they have thought and behaved. If in our society we promoted empathy, honesty and vulnerability, then a narcissistic person could see how maladaptive excessive narcissism is and to make choices to become less narcissistic. That might happen one day, but the current societal trends are not encouraging...

[robbieengel]

I've been watching for a few months. In my opinion, this is one of the most insightful, important pieces of information for child rearing I've ever heard. Your sympathetic take on people with personality problems, coupled with the clear view of the damage they do and how to at least attempt to cope with it is very helpful. Also, thank you for your definition of the word "strict". Most younger people think it means cruel or mean. It seems permissiveness has taken a deep root in society. I hope many people with children hear your message and take it to heart.

[SweetBlackSistah]

I think it part choice & part crazy. I said part choice because speaking from experience, my ex was BRUTALLY emotionally & psychologically abusive behind closed doors. In public, he treated strangers on the street better than he did me, co-workers, etc.
They know EXACTLY what they're doing, hence thats where crazy part comes into play

[dottyp]

It’s difficult to set boundaries with narcissists if you aren’t in a position to get a million miles away from them. In my experience saying no, creating distance, walking away or trying to talk to them ( even asking what is upsetting them) can escalate the abuse. You can’t have a normal conversation with a narcissist. If you are being targeted by a narcissist and you can’t remove yourself entirely from the environment, you are going to experience months or years of hell. Contacting authorities doesn’t help because none of it makes any sense. I agree with what you say though, primarily nurture. Every narcissist I have experienced has come from a highly dysfunctional or narcissistic family background. However, the fact that some people raised in the same environment come out as complete doormats shows something else is going on, maybe predisposed personality traits is also a factor 🤷‍♀️ thank you for taking the time to create the video Dr Grande, always very informative and interesting 😊

[Wisdomseeker]

I remembered that We went to school (parents) and complain about bullyng situation to my girl 9 years old. She has been diagnosed in asperg spectrum. Horrible meeting. I was working myself in this school and my boss has narcisistics traits, of course She didn't validate my daugther feelings and in addition I was punished at work. So I had stop working there. Dangerous behavours where nobody is safe. Thanks for sharing this🙏🤘

[unaburke]

This really spoke to me and captures my childhood memories and resulting narcissistic defense mechanisms entirely. From experiencing overly permissive to harshly critical parents, who themselves had narcissistic traits, to a childhood of bullying and shame as a result of being a foreigner .... I can relate to this on a profound level. The defense mechanisms are literally like a shield one puts up in order to protect one's self against further injuries.

[jakobsvendsenwilkens]

Thank God that you posted this video! I am not a narcissist but I have had such traits my whole life. Being that I'm bipolar and an empath and also have aspergers, it's a bit tricky to tell how bad it really is.

But I've found prayer and counsel with God helps a lot. Just realizing there's a perfect, loving but also convicting moral agent out there that WILL convict you for your behaviour for none others sake than your own. So that you may be free of it.

Another one is, NEVER, EVER TAKE CREDIT OR PRIDE. Avoid compliments like the plague. You don't need to be proud to have a stable self image.

A third is to not compare your self to others and affirm your self worth in a loving manner, not in a way that makes you out to be better than others or similar. You can say you're privileged and thus chosen in a way for your particular life, and thus are unique and special in your own way, but only for you to see you're not worthless. Don't use it as a leverage to think of your self as better than others.

Fourth is, listen a lot, be selective about what you disclose about yourself, and never meta analyse yourself or your behaviour to see if you're doing well.

Fifth, be humble about what you say. If you could say something great about your self and Your behaviour, stick to saying something mediocre.

Sixth I guess is spend a little bit of time every day acknowledging the feelings of others by either action or thought. Good luck!

[bradmcewen]

That's a great analogy comparing exposure to narcissism as dangerous to health as being on the road with an intoxicated driver. And basically imho, narcissists are intoxicated.

[sirenachantal]

Thank you! I've been stuck on how to process and interact with the narcissist in my life. This was a clear and matter-of-fact explanation without blame. The description on how to set boundaries with them is priceless. I wish I had seen this years ago. Still, just knowing this now is going to change my life.

[RJ-csgz]

Excellent video doc. I got a bit of an emotive element coming through re bullying. You cover such a great range of subjects, thank you for all your energy👌👍

[powpunkonwhiskey]

Thank you Dr Grande. These videos are most helpful in my own healing and understanding of narcissistic personality disorder.
Isn't just the biggest shame that narcissistic people can't see their own flaws to be able to fix them.
The damage they cause over years really is hard to overcome but having an understanding of the narcissistic train of thought and reasoning really does help.
Again, thank you. Appreciated 👍🏻

[ThexCSmOuse]

I agree that maybe being permissive and perfectionist could lead to narcissism, about bullying I was just verbally bullied but one thing i also think is important to forming a narcissistic personality is being encouraged to compare yourself to others, so you end up needing to be better than the rest in any way and if you are not you twist things around to make it fit that you are at least equal.

[Jay-rvee]

A wonderful insight, Dr. Grande.
The optimum amount of strictness while bestowing love, care and concern coupled with chores around the child's environment while raising them is the key to prevent Narcissistic behaviour in my opinion as a parent and a counsellor.

[lindadunn]

I appreciate the discussion around permissisiveness, perfectionism, and strictness. Also, I'm glad hearing the distinction between understandable behavior and tolerable behavior and the importance of responding to one's own mental health needs. Thank you for clearly communicating your knowledge of these challenging topics.

[saradejesus]

Blaming narcissism on bullies doesn't match my experience. My experience is that the narcissists ARE the bullies

[CamBalacuit]

There are so many videos about narcissism, but most of the advice is 1) how to get away from them or 2) how to get back at them. How about a video about how a narcissist can heal or stop being narcissist. A video for narcissists, rather than for victims of narcissists.

[ruthruane]

Dr Grande, you have the kindest and most understanding eyes I have ever seen and most sincere and soothing voice I have ever heard. Your channel is the best on Youtube.Thank you!

[lastsunofwinter]

I'm the center of the universe and everything and everyone is just a reflection of who I am and how I perceive it. It's time for me to reset the universe. I enjoy your page.