When parents can't regulate their emotions: effects on children and how to cope

Complete transcript: When Parents Can't Regulate Their Emotions: Effects on Children and How to Cope

Reactive parent: I wanted to give you everything that I didn't get as a child.
I don't know why I sacrificed so much. Clearly, I'm the worst mother ever.
Adult daughter: I didn't say that, and I'm curious what giving me everything you didn't get even means.
Reactive parent: well you never wanted for anything, you had it all.
Adult daughter: by had it all you mean material possessions?
Reactive parent: Yeah, what else would I mean?
Adult daughter: Well I'm grateful that I have material possessions. And you're right I had most of the things I wanted. But, what I really wanted as a kid and even now, is a parent who can regulate their emotions.
Reactive parent: of course nothing I ever do is good enough.
Adult daughter: When I tell you things I almost always know you're gonna go into defensive mode. Or you'll blame me and I'll feel judged, and wish I never opened up to you. I just want to be able to come to you and tell you things and have you listen, so that I feel safe and connected to you. That's what a parent who can regulate their emotions is able to do. Most of the time all kids would rather have a safe, supportive, and emotionally available parent over material possessions. It's true generational wealth.

[ShaktiFlowww]

This was my parents 100%. When I asked for help from other adults, I got the “poor little rich girl” eye rolls and was told that I was a spoiled brat. I had everything that most kids wanted as far as material things go. What I did not have was a place where I felt safe or even wanted. I did not have a place where I felt loved or even liked. I was not protected. I felt vulnerable and 100% stressed all the time. a child should not experience depression from a young age.

[Dlos]

I was 6 when i noticed it, 8 when i asked her to “just please sit and listen”….. 32 when i quit waiting for a miracle.

[hunterv]

i remember once my mom came home from a visit with her mom, where her mom had apparently blown up at her and said a bunch of awful shit, and she told me "if i ever make you feel that way, then tell me, because i don't want to be that kind of mom." then one day she was being horrible to me in front of my partner, so i asked to speak with her privately and politely told her she was indeed making me feel like shit. so she told me i was impossible and ungrateful and spoiled and that i clearly hated her for no reason and then dragged my father into it, and then they both screamed at me and accused me of various things including faking my debilitating chronic illness for hours until i was a gibbering, sobbing, incoherent mess, again all in front of my partner, on thanksgiving, and told me not to come back for christmas. thanks mom, very cool

[birdbrain]

Wish i could send this to my mom without signing up for the defensive rant in response 💀

[geekcollage]

100% no acknowledgement or actual apology. ever.

[Jae-byhf]

I hate that phrase with a passion 😩 because its so glaringly obvious that they are giving their children everything THEY wanted without thinking about what the child actually wants or needs!

[kruimell]

This is my mom. She often acts like a little girl. My therapist once said, if she's acting like a child treat her like a child (be firm with your wants and needs and boundaries). That was such an eyeopener and also I felt seen by my therapist. So often people chose my mom's side because they couldn't believe she's like that and thought it was because of something I did.

[samantharaulin]

This video made me realize how many of the parents didn’t have possessions OR an emotionally available parent, which is super sad

[AlexandraS-mc]

I can relate to this. Every time I’ve tried to be vulnerable and have a hard conversation with me mom, she’d get defensive and do that sarcastic voice of “oh I guess I was just a terrible mother then”

[TrueMillennialWorld]

“Most kids would rather have a safe, regulated parent - Over material possessions” 🥹 very true. I didn’t have much as material possessions growing up but there was a supportive parental regulated’ish structure thankfully.

[TheDavveponken]

Not just regulate their emotions: that are real and care about me, and not some made up version of me or duty to take care of.

[Lycancass]

Yup, both of my parents. It's truly a miracle I didn't end up with a substance dependency. Although it does explain my lack of will to live.

[candlelitpeppermintcarniva]

Yes, yes, yes! My family and so many others NEED to know this! My entire life has been;
'We bought you lots of toy, so grow into a perfect adult.' I never felt connected to my parents. I ALWAYS FELT GRATEFUL.
But I was NOT growing with my family.

[ladyteruki]

Considering how abused children are 60% to 180% (depending on type of abuse) more likely to grow up to be adults living in poverty than children who weren't abused, that last sentence is true in many ways more than one.

[liamr]

My mom would always say "I worked so hard so you and you're sister didn't have the childhood I had." She had other lines she would say, but this one happened the most.
Which yes I'm glad I didn't have your childhood, but a 7 year old should not be your "safe place" to trauma dump.
I also didn't have that good of a childhood either, better than a lot of other people but still not great. My mother was and still to this day is very emotionally abusive.

[NaNa-rewc]

It’s sad and frustrating when the children have to cope with the negative effects of poor parenting while also having to be the catalyst for healthy changes in the relationship with their parents if they want a relationship with them.

[bennight]

Can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard, “I’m the worst mother ever” and “ guess everything I did for you wasn’t good enough”. All my life was spent giving my mother support and now she wonders why I keep my life so private

[LeeAnnFetkovich]

That’s trying to give your kids everything you wanted/needed as a child…instead of being able to realizing that your child is not you!!!! All that does is block your child from being who they are meant to be. Your not listening or learning what they need or who they are because your to busy living your childhood & trying to fix yours through them. You do not & can not live in your childhood age any longer let it go & live in the present….best thing you can do for your children.

[yolandaz]

Excellent!!! Just watching this short fills me with fear: if I spoke to my mother like that I'ld have been verbally & emotionally abused....

[holliexenahitchcock]

Parental gaslighting was an epidemic in my generation of youth, but it doesn’t get healed until it’s recognized…the worst part is that developing children don’t even understand “material wealth” all they want and should be given is emotional safety