Stop Giving Advice to People Who Don't Ask For It

Do you have a message or story the world needs to hear? As a Hollywood producer and media consultant, I offer advice for leaders and creatives each week on filmmaking, digital media, publishing, strategy, communication, leadership, culture and faith – to take you from where you are to where you want to be in your career.

More about this episode: More about this episode: Stop Giving Advice to People Who Don’t Ask for It
I’m embarrassed to say that it’s taken me most of my life to understand this, but it’s true. Except in very rare situations, giving people advice who haven’t asked for it just doesn’t work – no matter how noble your intentions. In fact, they will often be offended and your very relationship can be damaged.

When my daughters were growing up I would see them making a mistake and offer my advice. Did they take it? Rarely. More often than not, they were offended. My wife Kathleen was the same way. Unsolicited advice almost always seems judgmental and is therefore unappreciated.

After a lot of fiery darts being flung my way, here are a few things I’ve learned:
• If they don’t ask, don’t give advice. It’s as simple as that.

• This applies to just about everything, short of stopping people from stepping in front of a moving car.

• It doesn’t mean people are ungrateful, but people are often embarrassed when reminded of their mistakes or shortcomings. In my experience, most people actually need to see the end result of their wrong thinking. When that happens, it makes a much more powerful and lasting impression.

• Your advice will be more effective when they’ve seen their mistake and then come to you.

• This doesn’t mean you abandon anyone. It simply means you watch, track their progress, keep quiet – and then be ready to answer their questions in a positive, inspiring way when they ask. That’s when they’re most likely to receive it and learn.

The impact of your advice isn’t just based on the insight, it’s also based on the timing. Bottom line? Don’t give advice, unless they ask. Anyone else found that to be true? – Phil Cooke

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[garynaccarato]

"No matter how constructive your criticism is if I didn't ask for it I don't want to hear it."I've actually heard somebody say this before.

[eirikmurito]

When I take advice from people things go bad. When I listen to my gut feeling things go well..

[humilis]

I don’t deal with people anymore because of this. I got tired of feeling worse after talking to people who asked me how I was doing and once I tell them, they made me feel like I was the problem.

People need to learn how to listen and shut their mouths. It’s just that simple.

[Fred_Free]

Most often, your good advice is the first thing the other person has already thought of and dismissed.

[elashastarks]

Thank you...you are correct. People have described me as judgmental and “out of my lane”. I will work hard to change. Silence my mouth. Allow my mind to listen instead of thinking.

[Spiffy]

I recently heard (& now hear it everywhere) : Unsolicited advice is ALWAYS criticism

Another saying: Don't give (unsolicited) advice; wise men don't need it and fools won't heed it.

[realityhits]

I realized I was like that when I met another regular advice giver. Then I understood how annoying I must have been to my friends.

[crbohannon]

I needed to hear this so bad. My desire to be valued by my "helpfulness " has created a bad habit of giving advice and opinions when not needed. I may have to start my day with this until it's really sunk in. Thank you!

[andrearatliff]

I totally agree with this topic. I've told a few people to stop giving me unsolicited advice. It's so annoying and frustrating to hear advice that I never asked for. They get so offended when I don't want to hear their advice. People need to learn how to stay in their own lane and mind their own business.

[reolarubio]

Don't take advice from people who don't have what you want.

[gr_zone]

My mom does that. She told me many advices that I had never asked for, and when I told her to stop it, she calls me rude.

_-_

Many would say she might meant well, but since the both of us had, and still have a rough relationship, all I can hear is her judging me for being different. . .

[theguynextdoor]

Generally speaking, prople just need to screw up by themselves enough times until they eventually come to their senses. Learned this the hard way.

[xyphious]

Thanks for this. It’s taken a long time to realize but I’m a serial advice giver and it must be so annoying being on the receiving end.
I’m looking to start improving myself and this is one of the extremely important first steps

[melvin-fitnessproductrevie]

Great video. One thing I want to add is that "advice" is subjective. Everyone thinks their advice is good, but this is based on their own experiences and belief system. For example, if you're planning to switch careers - someone working at a company for 40 years will probably say it's a bad idea and advise you to stay, whereas someone who's been job hopping will tell you to go for it. Advice is subjective and the only person who knows what's right for you is you.

I stopped giving unsolicited advice ever since I've been on the receiving end of it. I've had people ask me how I'm doing, I tell them, then I get a lecture about what I should/shouldn't do and that what I'm doing is wrong. Yet, the people telling me this don't know my experience or have ever been in my shoes.

[tkc]

Damn...this was a slap in the face. I've been dealing with this issue for the longest😂 I have a habit of trying to help people and it usually backfires...this is the reason. Thank you for this man💯

[aballeerlovees.]

Yes, I agree with you. There are times that I feel offended when people give unsolicited advice.

[lostconciousness]

"people need to see the result of their wrong thinking"

see, that there is the exact problem. Your advice is coming from a place that you are telling someone they are wrong and they straight know that's why you are giving advice. Advice is often opinion, not facts, but based on your own personal experiences. Sure, your advice may have worked for YOU but doesn't mean the other person is wrong for not doing it or thinking about it like you do. The whole thing about tracking people to tell them "I told you so" at the end is even worse than just spitting out your advice in the beginning.

Best way to give advice? "Do you need any help?" and let people tell you if they want it.

[captivated]

In my experience, most the people who give advice don’t actually have their life together. I think this video misses an opportunity to talk about the fact that maybe your advice’ isn’t as valuable as you think. It misses touching on the fact that maybe you have a compulsive need to give advice because you have flaws and insecurities and you’re projecting them on other people by trying to give advice as if there’s something wrong with them instead of you.

[joshisasian]

My best friend really needs to hear this. I’m 18 years old and every time he gives me advice, he thinks it’s helpful but to be honest all the “advice” he’s giving to me is coming to one ear out the other. I only want advice from people I respect, like my parents and my elders because I know they’ve been through a lot and have learned from their mistakes.

[michellejohannsen]

I was talking to a friend about this today and how sometimes you want to talk about a problem and aren’t asking for a solution to the problem, but are instead seeking sympathy/empathy. It may be that I have a plan that I am in the process of using to solve my problem, but it is frustrating and I want to express my frustration in a cathartic way by venting to a friend. Could you speak more to this: venting and seeking sympathy/empathy vs. seeking advice