6 Common Things Dismissive Avoidants Say When They're Falling In Love | Dating Dismissive Avoidant

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In this video, I talk about 6 common things dismissive avoidants say when they are falling in love.

Do you find it hard to read the dismissive avoidant's feelings and communicate with them? what strategies do you use to do so?

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I’m Thais Gibson, welcome to my channel, and thank you for stopping by!

This is a channel designed for you, to be used as a resource to create lasting transformation in your personal and professional life. Here you’ll receive an ongoing series of personal development and spiritual growth videos for you to expand your awareness and find resolution and deep understanding within.

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#DatingDismissiveAvoidant #PersonalDevelopmentSchool #PDS #ThaisGibson #AttachmentStyles

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[cachectin]

I am a DA and want to add my perspective.

It is the case that expressions of love a very difficult for DAs for the reasons offered here, but its a little reductive. I cannot underscore for people who do not understand what it is like to have this attachment style, how difficult, rather, how impossible it can be to verbally express feelings without extensive healing. I am not sure why people without this attachment style think we do this on purpose or that we are heartless assholes. I can have such strong feelings of love for certain people it can be unbearable, because I still struggle with not knowing how to convey this in words. The only way I know how to express my love is through actions. Which to most people doesn't seem to matter as much as words, which is totally mind boggling to me.

When you repeatedly get put down by people you care for, as a 'cold, uncaring, emotionless, robot' and when your expressions of love through actions go unnoticed because you do not 'open up emotionally' it only works to further disenfranchise you and push you away from those you love. You just sort of give up. I have literally tried to express my words, but cannot because of such intense fear that they don't really matter. What I needed has never really mattered. This is made doubly hard because not being emotional and nurturing is antithetical to how I am supposed to be as a woman.

DAs can talk to psychologists about how they feel because there is no vulnerability. I can't talk to my friends and family about who I love because I feel shame in loving. I have been mocked my entire life for who I am and for having my own feelings and thoughts by my family. I can't talk to the person I love about how much I love him because I feel fear and shame. But I love him so much that I do what is absolutely terrifying to me (and I have traveled all over the world by myself to dangerous places and done crazy shit that most people would never do) and I try to be in relation with him because I cannot live my life without him in it. I try everyday to do what is most uncomfortable to me - to open up.

Yet, the people of the internet hurt by DAs, come and trash talk them saying they are umarryiable and even unlovable. I have been stalked and abused by people with anxious attachments, but I would not say they are unworthy of love. I am here to understand myself so I can do better. Perhaps you all should do the same. Do better.

[lifecoachingtoronto]

DAs get scared when they feel so much for their partner that they feel like the other person has too much power over them. Bang on! :)

[nannoreul]

I feel like a lot of people are confusing crappy narcissistic behaviour with DA attachment style. I’d love to see a video about differences between the two and when bad behaviour is just bad behaviour - not DA related.

[dr.jenniferma]

Imagine hiring someone and only getting the bare minimum while having to constantly coax them into it. The person who doesn't want the job, doesn't understand the nuances of the job, resists any degree of expectation for performance and complains about people wanting more from them.
How long would you want them working for you?
Find people who actually want what you want and who show up eager to invest.

[rowanjthomas]

I have a DA friend who has said things such as;

- I'm more honest with you than anybody else
- I feel close and connected to you in a way I don't with my other friends
- You make up for all the bad people in my life
- I feel lucky to know you
- I feel like I could spend the rest of my life in your company

Up until now I've always generally thought that she probably doesn't have feelings for me, but just likes me as a close friend, but after watching this video, I'm now wondering, did she have stronger feelings for me than she let on?

When she became pregnant she said she felt like she'd betrayed me. She also named her child, Joe, which is my middle name. Have I been dense?

[lindsay]

Yes, they will express this only through the honeymoon phase. After that, it's the power-struggle phase and that is when they devalue you and sabotage the relationship.

[Demiyah]

As DA's start to develop strong feelings, the fear of vulnerability restricts how they express themselves. Examples of how they express to their partner:

- I'm really happy in this relationship
- I am lucky to have you
- I haven't felt like this before
- I really enjoy our time together
- I look forward to seeing you
- I miss you when we're not together
- I really don't want anything bad to happen

In reflection on this - my DA was never very expressive on his emotions - but the times he did, I did understand how big this was for him. Like when we stood under the starry night with our toes in the sand looking across the ocean and he said "you are an angel" I knew how heartfelt that was. He pretty much always made sure to tell me how he enjoyed his time with me, looked forward seeing me, wanted to resolve issues and didn't want something bad to happen to us. It all went south anyway after we started living together. I was consciously adapting to my internal wounds and fears, but he lacked this connection to self and could not place his emotions, causing him to be almost constantly repressed and trying to escape the discomfort. Ultimately he spoiled our romance, like a self-fulfilling prophecy of how he made his wounds come to life. That was very tragic to witness without being allowed to co-regulate because the vulnerability of that was too painful to him. But because of PDS I have managed to become more secure than ever throughout this whole dynamic and I am blessed that through my own inner-work I am still on good terms with him.

[everydaytherapist]

I hear a lot of, "I've never felt this way before." "This kind of connection just doesn't happen." "We have something special." "I don't do this with anyone." "You just get me in a way no one ever has." "I can be myself with you." "I appreciate you because you really see me." It's reluctant and impersonal in a way, but for the speaker it's the equivalent to saying, "I'm desperately in love with you and don't know what I'd do if I lost you." It just doesn't land on the anxious mind in such a way. It feels good, but it's laced with a kind of, "but..." as though they're about to say why it won't work out at the same time. "This connection is special but I can't be in a relationship right now."
"I've never felt this before but I can't give you what you want."
If your partner seems to speak in "buts" and their sentence structure follows this give and then take away kind of quality, you may be looking at an avoidant.

[TheKivers]

I dated a DA and whenever she would compliment me or try to express feelings it always left much to be desired, and I'd just think, "Wow, you would have been better off saying nothing". The phrasing was always littered with disqualifiers, like she was trying to say, "Hey, I like this quality about you... but don't go thinking you're special or anything because you're not."

Most recent example, when we reconnected like 6 months after breaking up and she asked if I was still single. I said I was and she said, "That's surprising, you're a really great guy." (perfectly lovely thing to say to somebody, no complaints there) then she went on to say that I was "Probably one of the best guys she's been with in a long time."

Maybe I'm being nit-picky but it sounds like she's describing a concert or a taco truck. "Yeah, this is probably one of my top 5 pizza joints since I moved to this new town two years ago!"

Not definitely but probably. Not the best but one of the best. Not all time but in awhile.

I wanted to respond with, "That was probably one of the okayest compliments I've received in the last 30 seconds, thank you so much!"

[tulinbeyduz]

my ex said he loved me a little bit .. i found that triggered me . i want to be loved fully, not a little bit

[ShadrockMarciano]

It became too much with my DA ex. Our last deep conversation nearly had me ending it. At one point she cried, called me beautiful and perfect, saying that I treat her how she felt she deserved to be treated so we decided to give it another chance BUT I internally had my own boundaries established. Low & behold a few weeks later, she went ghost & after two months, I decided to block her and move on

[Mel-vbpj]

Thank you for sharing your perspective. I agree that actions matter so much, but you live in the world here and see how important words are as well! For most people, they expect their partner to verbally express as well. If it hurts your feelings to hear people being down on DA’s, then you must be aware of the power that words have. Actions and words should match. Otherwise, confusion abounds. With my ex, I know he loved me, but the silence and disconnection felt like a slap in the face to me, a mini breakup. I communicated my needs and he stares blankly. Positive actions, but then withdrawn after is like one step forward, one step back.

This is a net-zero relationship at that point.

[roshalllambert]

Whenever Thais explains about her experience about interacting with her DAs clients my mind goes like what did you do to make them comfortable enough to be that vulnerable!! that tip might help me in my career as a future psychologist!

[Candy_Mountain]

I guess actions not matching words is the biggest problem for me with a DA. They can say all of these things or even tell me they love me, but if they’re watching p0rn, flirting with and looking at other women, lying, withholding info and being cold… None of that matters.

[gogohappygirl]

My DA told me they love me in a Christmas card & then I did the same in an anniversary card. As you can guess, I am FA. we’ve also said it via text but neither of us has been vulnerable enough to say it out loud yet.

[roselandpetals]

All I got from my ex was "had a very nice time with you" twice, the first time he ever took the initiative to text first "Hope you made it back from your trip safely. I want to hear all about it, " and an irrelevant meme sent at 5:30 a.m. That's about as much as his feelings allowed him to turn on before he got devious and plotted his exit. Avoidance really is on a spectrum and unfortunately, I found one who was probably so far on it that he would fall off the other side. 🙄

[krisizzzle]

A recovering FA/DA here: This is so validating. I love your channel, it is the first place I go to when I feel lost/confused with how I am feeling. Spon on. I am in therapy as well and healing and I am now able to tell my current partner I am in love with them and working through the fears. They are the perfect patient partner for me and I know they are on my side. Cannot thank you enough for your videos.

[ozgesings]

As a healing Anxious Preoccupied I've never dated a DA before and never had a need to watch DA videos of yours until now... As I said I've been working on myself so much that my anxious traits are less and less compared to 5 years ago so when my partner ghosted after us having a lovely week together, I didn't panic and took it personally and instead I tried to understand what's going on... Sadly, yes he is a text book DA and he told me all these good things and expressed himself like "I wish we could spend more time together, I am so happy that we met and spent the day together, I enjoyed every minute with you" and he made all these wonderful plans for next weeks or next holidays and acted like he wants to move forward... But between the lines he also mentioned that he is so afraid to fall in love because he fell in love once and he lost control of his life, he was so heartbroken and he forgot all his important responsibilities.... Also he mentioned that if he was gonna fall in love someone, she should be the exact fit for him... Gotta love the psychology 😂 After he ghosted me I was so heartbroken but not anxious or reactive thanks to your videos but now I understand him too so thank you Thais💜❤️💜🙏🏻

[Tochtlichicahuac]

Things dismissive-avoidants say when they're falling in love: "you are almost as exciting as my favorite hobby!"

[brookelight]

What’s the point to know whether DA loves you at one point or not. Soon DAs will develop this fear and run away and short lived reconciliation. More heart broken down the road.