Why You Keep Making The Same Mistakes

In this video, we learn how embracing shame helps break the cycle of repeated mistakes.

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▼ Timestamps ▼
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00:00 - Preview
00:23 - Introduction
03:57 - Counter-factual thinking exercise
08:22 - Escape over shame
10:50 - Making amends
14:02 - Lost in the sauce
17:37 - Collecting real evidence
19:17 - Conclusion

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[danielroy]

"22 years ago, when I was in college" this man has found the fountain of youth.

[brandonchin]

I just need to lock in
I just need to lock in
I just need to lock in

[kimia]

I used to blame myself for making the same mistake twice, but then I realized it makes sense because many times when we are making a mistake we don't realize it's a mistake yet. It's only when a pattern emerges that we understand that's where the problem is.

[iLL_WiLL_]

Ah the vicious cycle from hell. You avoid doing something because you're ashamed, and then become ashamed because you haven't done that thing. Then you add the comparison factor because you're too late in the game or you go back and forth with yourself debating if that was something you wanted anyways and in either case it GG's.

[hvqwqsl]

Bro I'm pretty sure at this moment Dr.k is spying on me

[rongike]

shame turns to humility if you actually embrace it and humility is a positive emotion.

[aaishteruu]

8 hours ago i was crying because all i do is repeat the same mistakes even though i try so hard to be better and here is Dr. K just on time

[BeardedBeerMan]

Around 2012-2013 I was bullied relentlessly in Middle School. I was that one kid that everyone saw as a looser, and to this day I can't tell you way I was seen that way. I became addicted to videogames during that time. It was my way to escape the shit of every day life and be something else in another world. Skyrim was probably my number 1 world to escape to.

[BOSSDONMAN]

I'm about 75 days clean from marijuana after using it mostly chronically for the last four years (COVID really set the stage for me to form an addiction). The part about managing shame is spot on—as well as really so many other negative emotions like regret and not being content with where you are at in life.

[Tjizzle]

You know what this also speaks to? How everyone who gets out here and just lives life seems to have it all figured out and a lot further along while me, the introvert, is always at home thinking and planning. Getting nothing done yet feeling smarter than I really am. No wonder I Haven’t been getting anywhere.

[kateginger]

I think the problem with bullying is that people often bully you for things that are hard to change. Maybe you are awkward and socially anxious and insecure. Maybe your face is ugly or your body. It's very hard to change these things. I don't know many kids who were anxious and awkward in school, turn confident and charismatic from bullying in the present. You can fake it, but it will kinda show through usually.

[BlakeElliott]

Avoidance & Escapism are such an unbelievably relevant issue/problem in my family’s dynamics right now.

Thanks for the timely advice, Dr. K!

[Baltabak]

shame avoidance vs leverage: if pain isn't great enough to launch different strategies originally, it will remain avoidance until intentional choice is made. an intentional choice won't be made unless user mind is open to possibilities. ie relevance to data collection: past info informs my conclusion. tilted my ego from "im always right, my conclusion from past info effectively always results in predictable end" to "i want to be right, and i can't be right until I try all different ways, even if my past information deters me from it"

[zebulon]

this is what I needed to hear, lived most of my life in a theory crafting and shame avoidance mode. Im 38 I hope its not too late to change.

[ClassyJohn]

This particular issue forms one of my biggest regrets in life: that I wish I did better in school.

One of the mistakes I would keep repeating was most notably at the start of a semester, I would tell myself that I would work really hard in my classes and get good grades. But for the classes where it wasn't enough for me to attend the lectures to do well in the exams, I would fall into a habit of reading something or doing a homework problem and it was so difficult that I would get really frustrated (because I had expectations that I should be able to understand everything easily) or feel shame. And I only knew to cope with that by distracting myself through playing video games or watching videos / browsing the internet, which looked like me procrastinating on my work. The flip side of this also is that whatever I was doing was either too easy and/or boring so I would still run to my distractions.

This above behavior completely destroyed my grades and both college and career aspirations in college. Today, I'm in my 30s and I haven't fixed this issue yet. I cannot go back to school because I have a real fear of failing my classes again like I did in my college years. It really screwed up my self-confidence because I was literally repeating classes over and over and I fucked up the only opportunity I had (cause I was already going to community college). I'm seeing a new therapist soon and I'm hoping they can help me with this issue but its tough because everyone thinks my issue is a joke and that I need to "grow up". In reality, I learned this poor behavior when I was in elementary school which helped me regulate my negative emotions but it obviously didn't help me with school. To add to my problems, I have C-PTSD and MDD which makes things more complicated, especially if I get triggered or enter a negative thought spiral loop.

[LukasWeeke]

31 year old me: I love to theory craft myself into a corner, where I cannot act without shame anymore to convince myself of not acting at all. Convenient, but not necessarily healthy. So I know the issue, but I'm so afraid of change, that I'd rather stay with the issue, than taking the risk of building a new one I'm not familiar with by now.

[DiamondMind]

I was bullied and didn’t know how to deal with it as my dad was very much a passive people pleaser. He was there financially but unfortunately he wasn’t there emotionally I turned to pornography, video games, games workshop and buying stuff, films, supplements, fast food.
I have been clean from pornography for over a year but the withdrawal symptoms were bad.

[chrisgodfrey]

The issue I run into is never being able to develop the motivation to change any aspect of my life or mistakes. Whether I make the attempts or not, I always lose the motivation and come to the conclusion I'll always remain the same and continue to make wrong choices. And my brain continues to view that as the only conclusion. I don't know how to break that cycle. Whether I make attempts to change things or continue along the same behavioral choices, it always results in me returning to the same decisions and conclusions that I'll always continue to make the same mistakes. And thus far, I'm always seeming to prove myself right about that.

[jobwnage]

I loved the way Dr K laughs whilst saying: Then you end up watching a bunch of video's about motivation instead of facing up to your problems

[dend]

Shame: Powerful, painful motivation to improve the situation. So strong we end up chosing to accept pain in the present in order to get the necessary experience based data to draw an accurate roadmap to alleviate the shame.

Avoidance + Coping: Creates a circumstance where you suffer endless eternal shame due to temporarily dampening the shame whenever it intensifies.

This demotivates us from getting the experienced based data needed to draw an accurate roadmap towards improving the situation.

We try to get the data in a painless way via emotionally safe research, but the reality is that the mind works better with self gathered, recently experience based learnings.

So Step 1 stop dampening shame and let the emotion do it's motivational work

Step 2, accept the pain of being bad at something in order to gain the necessary recently gathered, personally experienced based data

Step 3 Experience a perception shift and cultivate the ability to accept step 2 without needing shame

Questions:

What percentage of Theory Crafting am I doing vs Personally gathered and recent data collection?

Am I harnessing shame as a motivational force or am I avoiding it and perpetuating my current situation?