Emotionally Unavailable Parents Impact on Our Mental Health

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Today we will discuss the impacts of growing up with an emotionally unavailable parent. Whether they were emotionally unavailable because they were unwilling or unable to due to external circumstances doesn't matter in the impact it has on our mental wellbeing.

We will talk about what behaviors point to emotionally unavailable parents
What we may have experienced as a result of being raised by unavailable parents
Such as some of the physical and emotional symptoms that result from having unavailable parents and finally what we can do to start healing.

Here are a few signs:
1. They are not able to attune to you and your emotions and needs.
2. They are self-focused and see connecting with you as a burden or chore.
3. They use sarcasm each time you try to communicate with them about your feelings.
4. They are distant from you in many ways.
5. They aren't validating, even when you succeed.
6. They may yell, scream, give silent treatments and use other unhelpful ways to get their point across or to get you out of their way.
7. They are overly permissive.
8. They don't use loving words or affection.

Symptoms of growing up with these emotionally unavailable parents

1. Shame:
2. Feelings of not being enough
3. People pleasing
4. Perfectionism
5. Emotional numbness and dissociation
6. High levels of anxiety
7. Inability to trust people

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This is why I decide I WILL NEVER want to have children. I've been so hurt having emotionally unavailable parents. I never even ask to be born in the first place. I am currently still trying to heal from it all. But I don't know when this healing journey will end. So I do not want to risk repeating the same mistakes to my future children.

ceciliaj
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i don't remember being hugged as a child and that hurts

peezy
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As an introvert, I would read books and watch youtube in a daily. You know you feel come and at peace in your room but then suddenly one of your parents starts screaming, victim blaming, and pissed off to somebody. This happens everyday.They would get upset at such little things. Sometimes they don't accept the blame when its their fault. Theres no saying hello, good morning, and congratulations in my home. Its freaking lonely. The worst part is that I have been copy pasting their words and actions this whole time. Ain't no way I am gonna end up like that when I become a mother. Even just being a human being. I want to show emotions and affection to others just like what my friends do. I want to be like them.

riskyjuice
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This was very insightful. My parents were never „that bad“, but looking back it was obvious they were emotionally unavailable. This resulted in depression, anxiety and now burn out at 23 for me. I’m in therapy now but all of those self-help steps are still hard, but they work. Slowly but surely. Thank you so much for this concise explanation, I really resonated with what you said. ❤️

miawl
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Each parental behaviour mentioned was my childhood. I dissolve into laughter when therapists ask whether my parents said, 'I love you' or hugged you or gave compliments....(but for as long as I can remember my Dad has been held on a pedestal out in the community). And as a child and even now, my Mum would rather do housework then parent or attend to our emotional needs. I grew up feeling flawed and unloved which still manifests in depression and anxiety no matter how much self-love I express.

fifik
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I’ve spent my whole life healing from two emotionally unavailable parents it’s pretty sad when this happens especially when you’re young and do not know any different yet, keep on healing everyone, unconditional love and compassion rules all!😍

RichardDeneen
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2:38 I can’t even lie this moment made me drop my head and cry. I feel this moment on such a deep level. My dad would react the exact same way when I confessed about my first girlfriend dumping me when I was about 13. I felt nothing at the time but sadness about being dumped but never that I wasn’t getting any support from my dad. All these years later it’s heartbreaking when you see it in front of your face and you were too stupid to realize it. That means that by that point it had happened so much that I was immune to it and thought that’s just the way parents responded to anything you told them. I seriously thought my parents were good people that wanted the best for me. The past year has taught me that I don’t know if that’s the case.

DE
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Its also generational- my parents are Boomers. They didn’t talk about emotions. Their parents fought in the biggest global war the planet has ever seen.

sableempire
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My issue is when something tough is going on why don people say we are here for you’ then they ignore you when you need them during hard times. This really hurts me bad.

KrisK
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there was a lot of guilt and shame around rest growing up. now that I'm an adult, I find myself correcting my thoughts that I'm not lazy, my body just needs rest and that's okay. 😢❤

thelovely
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Finally a video I can use when someone ask me "why you don't like your parents". The other videos had half the information but THIS video has everything.

faithcyan
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Yup both my parents were emotionally unavailable. It leaves you messed up. Really. You think no one cares about you or your feelings

marniejane
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I love the breakdown of what it looked like in childhood and how it manifests in adulthood. Very helpful!

mikaela
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I am 42 and literally just now realizing I am not alone in this. My parents are a mind fuck to me and my brother. My brother made the decision a year ago to put our parents completely out of his live. And he has. 100%. I am not there yet. It makes me so sad. I don't ever want to put them out of my life even though they really are not that nice they go back-and-forth. That's what I mean by a mindfuck. My parents will suddenly be nice and wanna talk and then the communication will just stop. And even sometimes when they do reach out and talk to me, it's not always pleasant. It usually ends up with me very sad feeling and I could never tell them that because they get really defensive and there's just no talking to them. they are always right and that's just the way it is. It's very hurtful. I thought about getting a counselor and talking about it but I always thought what the heck am I supposed to talk about this is just silly and just the way my family is but now that I'm hearing videos and reading comments, realizing it really is a thing that's more common than what I realize. And that alone helps me a little bit.

CloudySunflowerfield
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Typical narcissistic behavior. I don’t think they are full blown narcs, but they have traits.

runningwithscissors
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Growing with emotionally unavailable parents will turn you in to one. Especially the anger part.

Truthseeker-kcrd
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All of your points are so accurate. Emotional neglect as you describe it is devastating to the healthy development of a child. On top of it, most of us also experienced many other negative factors: domestic abuse, divorce, financial instability, illness and death of a parent, abandonment and threat of abandonment, etc. If a kid was somewhat different, he/she might be abused by other kids. Kids with disabilities, autism, odd physical characteristics or habits make them stand out and struggle to fit in. Combine emotional neglect to these other issues and it is amazing that we didn't go stark-raving mad. Thanks, Micheline, for articulating the way emotionally neglect looks. Of course, we didn't know we were abused as kids. The subtle quality of emotional neglect means we may never learn about it as adults and struggle for years. It affects all our relationships: work, education, friendships (or lack thereof), health, intimate relationships, etc. One can live for decades simply with the believe that something is wrong and never know the cause. We think we were born defective. I doubt that we can be fixed after living so long without correcting the damage, but at least we can understand that we aren't totally to blame. This alleviates some of the self-hate which is a bit of a fix.

nancybartley
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I try, yeah I fucking try talking to my parents about my feelings! However they don’t care, they do not care! I’m going through internal conflict with my art and self worth and I tried talking to my mom and she is just indifferent. My dad does help me by giving me motivation but that’s it, he doesn’t sit down and talk about it

ChoiReim
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Been healing in other areas of my life.
So here I am..healing something else and it hurts. Yeesh. Thank God for videos like this

evangelicful
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I was this child and now I’m the emotionally unavailable parent and it hurts me bc I’m unable to connect.

GoddessMarcy