A Guide For the Recovering Avoidant

FURTHER READING

“‘Avoidant’ is the term usefully coined by attachment theorists to define those of us who, through no fault of our own but with full responsibility for our condition, have grave difficulties around intimate relationships…”

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CREDITS

Produced in collaboration with:

Natalia Begaj

Title animation produced in collaboration with

Graeme Probert

[tameraburaya]

I feel like the words " through no fault of our own but with full responsibility for our condition" is the start of our journey with acceptance and healing.

[tonbridgeroy]

When the people I have been in longterm relationship with for many years are out for the day, (and I am alone in the house) I find I can relax and be myself, however as soon as I start to anticipate their return I begin to get anxious. It appears to me as though there is a part of me that only ever feels fully safe when I am completely alone and this same part of me is for some reason forever nervous when I am around others. I am 58 years old and this is how it's been for as long as I can remember really.

[mammamonssterr]

My avoidance tells me "there's no way they're going to understand it if I explain it, so I'm better off alone". You know, the avoidance avoidancing. But as the video says, I know this is a trauma response and instead of running away I recognise this is just an illusion and consciously and with intention I open my heart to love, trusting that the other person —who displays green flags and is compassionate— will understand and won't be turned off. It's hard, but it can be done. Though I'm tired of everything being a struggle and piece of work and something that isn't easy and flowing, even something that "should" be natural like love.

[fuego]

"It's not you. It's me." — The Avoidant. I often feel inadequate and lacking in the ability to cary on relationships. I lose steam quickly and feel like I have nothing to give no matter how hard I try. I start feeling like an epic failure loser for dissociating and regressing into a one-dimensional soulless automaton.

[NovaSky]

I had the most patience for my avoidant person until the very end. I will admit I am not perfect and made a few mistakes along the way, but I had the upmost willingness to work through any and all of it. My avoidant person decided to push me so far away, that I doubt we’ll recover. Our relationship has ended. I still love them very much and wish them healing.

[TheGreatWasian_]

Being in a relationship with an avoidant attachment style person was the saddest thing I ever experienced since at the time we both didn’t know what was going on in terms of why she was acting that way

[trinar]

I am an avoidant. This explains me, and now I can see why my relationships have failed. I wish I hadn't hurt so many people on route to this video. I feel a bit sad now.

[lijmoo]

Good time to remember that all attachment is on a spectrum. Try not to "put yourself (or others) in a box" with attachment styles (like only being introvert or extrovert). There are times you might be avoidant, and other times you mightn't. You might have traits more of one of the styles, and a bit from another.

[jelkel]

Many people don't listen when you give them the "hey, I need my own space sometimes" speech. They nod along and make the right noises but when you really do need that space they've entirely forgotten the conversation you had with them and take your physical or mental absence personally. I have changed the conversation over time to when I say I will be with you I'll be with you 100% but when I havent said I'll be there, I'm doing something somewhere else. I'm not in constant contact by phone and I'm not going to turn up for an hour. I just have to stick to my word and be there when I say I will 100% no matter how much I want to leave and they have to respect that boundary when I'm not there. It isn't ideal but it's listened to a lot more than the I need my space speech.

[frankiecrocker]

I'm in my 60s and I've been avoidant since childhood but didn't know that it was a classification until I happened upon School of Life. I lived in denial of so much for so long.
I've suffered from substance abuse because I'm covering up for some still unexplored trauma.
A few days ago I found this series on Hulu called UnPrisoned and I binge-watched it, both seasons. I laughed and I cried during every episode. I mean there was always a tear or two even when I was laughing or smiling. It was cathartic for me. I don't know what it was about the show specifically, but I feel different. I've been living in this valley of selfloathing and selfsoothing behavior for years but now I'm looking at that mountain and I want to climb up it. I've felt guilt over wanting to live because I've been raised not to.
Better late than never I guess.

[christianyaerger]

It's taken me many years to come to terms with having C-PTSD and understanding that my Fearful Avoidance comes from "learning" at a young age that intimacy was unsafe.

I'm trying to recognize and correct my behaviors while I mend my heart. The "script" you give sounds like a good tool to add to my toolkit. Thank you. :)

[runswithbears]

"I'm a little crazy, but I have a good therapist, " - what a banger of a line. :'D

[TonyTheTGR]

There's still an important self-accountability about letting yourself be *receptive to* new programming and experiences, and not letting the damage of our past define our character. Most of this is very solid, but also slightly "fixed mindset" in nature - and the only way to be more comfortable being loved is to PRACTICE BEING LOVED. Which means allowing others to love you.

One thing I've found very helpful in this context: LOVE IS NOT ABOUT DESERVING. If you're being demonstrated kindness only after proving a worthiness to it, this is simply respect. Being loved does not require deservedness as a prerequisite - you are loved for the simple decision somebody makes to love you, and to be respectful of this decision is the start of that growth. Maybe you need a "tap out" for when you get overwhelmed and a certain amount of time between tap ins... no more than an hour or so. But the heart a muscle like any other - and with enough reps, you can make yours healthy again.

[fuego]

My mom and her bf (whom my mom cheated with and led to a divorce when I was 8 yrs old) argued nearly 24/7. It got violent at times with a gun pulled on my mom. I sought solace outside the home surfing, staying at friends houses, or being home alone (which was common into late night since I was 5). l ended up moving to my mom's friend's attic when I was 15-16 then moved with roommates at 16 to 17 then back home with my tumultuous family. TV was my babysitter up until I got access to the internet at 15, which is where I found a whole new world of people with whom I could relate to and even meet in person from time to time. I'm 41 now and struggle with forming deep relationships with everyone. I feel like I eventually bore people or they bore me. I struggle to relate to long-term couples or besties who spend lots of time together. I can only tolerate socializing with people no more than 8 hours until I feel like I've run out of things to say and feel a strong desire to retreat into the comfort of my apartment.

[MrApw]

Then there is anxious avoidant where you love cuddling and having love and making love and being in the company of another person as it fills you up but then when you’re full enough, you do all the avoidant things but keep them secret. Learning this about myself was a huge step forward in my life but somehow when I got better, everything got worse.

[FlowwerrMusic]

No one is to be trusted. When I threw away all magical thinking, I only love my musical instruments. I don't love humans or animals or plants. I will cooperate with others but I will not attach and be an object of any desire. My life is 1000% better for this knowing. Thank you !

[Grace_oGD]

This is lovely. In my experience though people are not trying to be truthful or to learn and grow from their traumas. They seem to just be interested in playing games. It's exhausting. Nothing comforts more than the honest truth. The whole world would be much better if we all started being truthful and stopped playing games.

[Bakalakah]

As a person diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder this hit home. I'm crying as it explains it well and thankfully through therapy I am aware of all this and able to express it well to others but this video sure helps to explain where I can't so thank you for this. I thankfully don't have a lot of the worst struggles anymore and am able to connect and bond well over longer periods of time but it took time and effort.

[byronraymond]

It’s good to these all the comments of people who can relate to being an avoidant and working to be better because sometimes this journey can feel lonesome, but not so much now (:

[clementine]

My first Boyfriend when i was 18 was an avoidant and i stuck around that man for far too long… settling and crushing my heart in the process. If you are currently in a relationship with an avoidant… just remember your own standards and wants and that mutual love and respect is really and important. Don’t lose yourself chasing or saving this person, they have to deal with they’re own stuff. And you don’t have to put up with it. You deserve Love and there is healthy love out there