The hard work of co-parenting with a narcissist

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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.

THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[rachellechavez]

Co parenting with a Narc feels like teaching my child how to cope with the abuse that I left, not to mention the door being open for access to me so the Narc can berate me. And yes, listen to your kids because they do know more than you think.

[AlanChambers]

I was just on a narcissistic abuse recovery Facebook page and a woman brought up a good point. Narcissists don’t co-parent. They counter-parent. They triangulate the child as a tool against the other parent.

[suzanneflowers]

Yes. And folks, as a retired teacher, let me say that your kids are indeed learning to appreciate parents who try to maturely guide them. Hang in there. Trust the Lord. The narc will not win in the long run!

[StillAwakeAwareDiscerning]

I didn't know about narcissism when I divorced my children's biological dad in the mid 90's. It was exhausting as he got the courts to have a "special Judge" that tried our divorce in 4 separate 8 hour sessions. He was such a great actor. Crying on the stand that if his kids needed braces, he would make sure they would get braces. I am sure you won't be surprised when you hear that after this was over, he canceled his insurance for the kids and I paid for the braces. I did not know what I was dealing with and there was no information on narcissism. I just knew that something was really, really wrong. I am glad to hear that I did the right thing and did not disparage him. It was really hard and opportunities to do that seemed never ending. But the end result is that when my children grew up, they saw for themselves what was true and their decision to not have contact with him was their decision.

[tynaangelici]

Raising a child or children with a narcissist is a complete nightmare. It’s like having a prison sentence.

[foxnullz]

Every single day is a nightmare. Watching this and just bawling my head off.
I'm SO frustrated and so exhausted.
I wish I could just give up.
But they need me.
God help me.
All my energy goes into NOT reacting to the abuse.
God help me, please 🙏
Nobody should have to live like this 😭

[marciekraft]

It would be great if you could do a full series on Co-Parenting with a Narcissist. Thanks so much.

[nikimd]

Thank you, Dr. Ramani. This is right on time. My narc ex-husband was supposed to drop my son off at 10 and called earlier to say an emergency happened and he can’t bring him. I’m trying to suppress those really mean thoughts of wishing he’d just drop dead because it would make my life so much easier. Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms in this community—I hope you have a beautiful day whether it’s with your children or not.

[witwisniewski]

Major request: How to teach our kids about narcissism?
You are helping us adults survive by educating us about how it works. Radical acceptance is useless if you don't know what to accept and more importantly reject. The situation is worse for kids because they may not have experience with normality, and it seems that it is harder for them to step out of 'first person' and see objectively what is actually happening to them. Even after they grow up, they will still be in this zombie apocalypse because their future bosses are likely to be narcissists (all but one of mine were). We need to help them. Thank you.

[alannadoll]

Wow did that make me burst into tears...I'm exhausted and always struggling and I don't look as fun and happy as their narcissist father.

[Movu]

I'm a dad, and I'm going through beginnings of custody battles. I worry immensely about my kids and their emotional well-being. At first I tried to negotiate, but I realized what she actually want is to erase me. I will make it my life's mission to provide something stable for my kids. If I don't die from this stress

[srodz]

I tried to co-parent with my daughter’s father but there was no way at all. He’d only use my daughter to get to me. He would pick and choose when he’d want to pick her up but had a lot of time on his hands. He’s a firefighter so he’d work his 24 hr shift then have two days off and repeat. He has a bad drinking problem. He has no respect for me. He even showed up at my house uninvited with the girl he cheated on me with to “pick up his daughter.” He has the mind of a high school boy. At the time, I told him and his mother that from now on he has to go through his mom to see his daughter because I don’t want him coming around my house or me. Neither him or his mother respected my wishes or boundaries.

Due to him stalking me (my house, my whereabouts, my social media)…disrespecting me, abusing me mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically…I was granted a one year family violence protective order. The judge ordered no visitation at all, not even through his mom. Judge believes he has a mental illness and needs to seek counseling with alcohol abuse and batterers prevention program. He then violated the order and was arrested. His whole family knows how he is but everyone is mad at me for making the best decision for my safety and my children. Since then, his mother has not checked on her granddaughter at all.

I tried my hardest for the first 6 months of my daughter’s life to allow him to co-parent. He can’t and never will. She will be 9 months this month and it’s been 3 months since he’s been away from me and my two children. I feel so much better. I am healing little by little. These were the days I prayed for. Peace and tranquility without having to worry.

Happy Mother’s Day Dr. Ramani and to all the wonderful, strong mother’s out there 💛

[jasonroman]

I want you to know for future references your microphone is extremely low. So it's extremely difficult to hear you I literally have to like turn my phone all the way up.

[cailin]

My sister struggled through a spiteful custody battle & been coparenting with her ex narc for a while now. He’s a spiteful difficult hypocritical terror & I’ve witnessed him do everything in his power for the last few years to make her life without him miserable. Seeing her go through that gives me extra empathy for all you mothers out there in the same position! You all deserve a mothers WEEK of appreciation!

[neveamos]

Mother's Day has been difficult for me from the moment I had children (who are now grown adults). When my kids were little, I would hope that my husband would guide them as to how to celebrate Mother's Day. I didn't expect anything exotic or expensive, just a little something. He would basically ignore the day. One day I asked him about it and he said, "you are not my mother, so why would I acknowledge you that way?" The fact that I am the mother of his children, I guess, didn't count. I got a really lovely card from my son this year and those are the treasures I will hold onto.

[kb]

I used to find a card for my narc mother in law that said “you deserve a day that is as special as you are”. Of course she thought it was a compliment while I was thinking “I hope you get what you deserve”.

[sandyberger-rj]

Yes, my kid has severe anxiety and therapy hasn’t helped much so far. Especially when the narcissistic father is clinging to the kid. He does the bare minimum, provides a roof over their head and food in the fridge, but that’s it. No help with school or any hard work. But he‘s great at guilt tripping if they rather stay with me. Of course, he might have to pay a hundred bucks more child support if they spend more time with me and he wants to keep the kid on the back burner in case he‘s lonely..

[alonzomosley]

I saw the picnics and families today for mothers day .I struggle with this day my mother was a total narcissist and ruined her childrens lives and then I married someone the same as my mother .I friggin hate these days it reminds me of my mothers atrocious behaviour she has long gone .I did do a 10 km bike ride which I loved today.

[hareandthemoonfarm]

Spot on! All so very true. As kids get older it does usually get easier. Kids see what’s really going on as they grow.

[sca]

Thank you Dr. Ramani I needed this today. Happy mother's day to the mom's in this amazing community ❤️