Is It Limerence Or True Love? 5 Ways To Tell

[CoHzus]

all my homies love and appreciate heidi priebe's content

[tedjones]

I thought the tweet you were going to bring up was the one that said "Dating is really just finding someone whose parents fucked them up in a compatible way to how your parents fucked you up." - but I suppose that's more leaning into attachment theory lol

[klb]

After learning about limerence, attachment style, CPTSD, etc. I am scared that I will always be attracted to unhealthy people. I dated someone secure who started to feel boring and predictable, which became dull and annoying. My next relationship was so limerent, toxic, anxious/avoidant but I felt it was thrilling. Is there hope for me to heal enough to become genuinely attracted to healthy people without feeling bored? And if so, how can I do that?

Words cannot express my gratitude to you for all that you do, Heidi. You are one of the brightest beacons of light on my healing journey, and I tell pretty much everyone I know about your channel.

[BrandonOutside]

I’ve always been a big fan of the show Frasier, and there’s a great quote in an episode: “you weren’t in love WITH her, you were in love AT her.” And while in the show it does work out for those characters in the end, I think that’s a great quote to use to check in with ourselves.

[bud]

Wow. By this understanding, I don't think I've ever felt romantic love. 🙁

[SlicedInPosts]

Q1. How big is the gap between the way the relationship exists in your mind vs. what it actually is in reality?
(Obsessively thinking about romantic fantasies existing way into the future)
Q2. Am I genuinely open to finding out info about this person that would disqualify them as a potential partner?
Q3. Am I aware of potential problems that may arise out of this dynamic?
Q4. What do I want from this person in reality vs. psychologically? And how realistic are my psychological expectations of them?
Q5. How different do you feel about yourself when you imagine being loved by this person vs not being loved by this relationship?
(If they don’t reciprocate your affection, does it raise questions on your self concept, self esteem or self worth?)

[lilaah]

To know the difference, ask yourself
1) How big is the gap between the relationship you imagine in your head and the relationship you have with this person in reality? I.e. how comfortable would you feel disclosing to them all your fantasies? If you're having obsessive romantic fantasies about someone you've been on one coffee date with, it's probably limerence.
2) Am I open to receiving information about this person that would disqualify them as a partner? There's a commitment to reality, to receiving both green and red flags about them. Limerence is a mental activity, not something that stems from a real life relationship. It's easy to disqualify red flags in this state because they might interrupt your fantasy life. The most important thing in limerence: what you experience on your own, not when you're with them.
3) Am I aware of potential problems that might arise from this dynamic, and open to non-delusional solutions to these problems? If you and your partner want different things, a non-limerent solution would be to just talk to them about it and suss out how set in your ways you both are. A limerent solution: I will just love him and magically everything will be alright. Or: I will just discard everything I want because the connection with them is more important than who they are.
4) What do I want from this person in reality v. what do I want from them psychologically? E.g. in a partnership with so there are certain practical things that are a part of dailyvlife + I rely on them for certain psychological needs. V. In a limerent situation, your psychological expectations are completely disproportionate. We have unrealistic needs like: my partner needs to make me feel good about myself all the time. And any time our partner doesn't fulfill that need, we react badly.
4) How well do you think about yourself when you're with them v. When you're not with them? In limerence, we project all our self-esteem needs on so, and if they like us = we like ourselves, but if they don't, we might go to a really dark place. In a non-limerent relationship, even if the relationship ends, our self-perception doesn't substantially change.
(I must have missed a question, but these are my notes!)

[mariahhelm]

For me, as someone who is limerant prone, I noticed that taking time away from dating (1 year), working on my traumas and self worth in therapy that it was much easier for me to decipher the difference (not that ive ever been in love, but limerence happens automatically). The major difference for me is what happens at a nervous system level. Meeting someone who made me feel calm, peaceful and safe AND knowing it had nothing to do with me as a person if we decided to stop seeing eachother. That was everything for me.

[anzelaiv]

Great video. Experiencing the opposite of limerence isn't any better. You are actively looking for red flags and fear trusting your own or your partner's feelings, hurting both in the process, and being in a relationship with a limerent partner feels as if you are not chosen for who you are and there's no genuine interest to get to know you as a person, you are there to play an imagined predetermined role which has very little to do with the real you. That's basically every avoidant/anxious relationship, at least at the beginning. No wonder we hurt each other so much.

[stephss]

As a midlifer, trying to move past all the trauma, and keeping myself open, this is very helpful. You give me the language to help me navigate, thank you Heidi. 💌

[musiklyfe]

You hit a nerve that I didn't know existed. Once I started watching this video and wanted to not listen so much I knew it was something I needed to listen to even more.

You definitely touched on some things that I know I'm still working on. But I made great progress in these areas. Listening to this video gave me a few more tolls to put my emotional toolbox to handle life.

As always, I appreciate your content Heidi. Please keep it coming. ❤️😊

[saratexas]

This hurts 🤣. Edit: But please continue with the next part of this series, we desperately need it lol.

[savemasaferyattashutelbitd]

You always talk about difficult topics in such a careful, judgement-free way. Thank you for that 💗

[marycomstock]

I am 32 years old and thanks to you, I have finally learned that there is a term and a well-understood concept for this thing I’ve done my whole life. It was so bad and went so unchecked that now I am coming to the end of a 10 year long limirent marriage. Thankfully, we are still friends and will be able to transition amicably, but I am daily astounded at how little I understood myself and how I got here. I am SO thankful for your content. It has been a pivotal piece to the puzzle of me becoming free and truly myself. Thank you so, so, so much!!! ❤️❤️❤️

[arielmcgillacuddy]

Yup cloud nine when he gave me just a crumb of his attention and that’s what I am craving. That feeling! How can I give it to myself?

[elsh]

I wish I'd found your videos on limerence before i got married... I am now married to an abusive man with a serious personality disorder and covert narcissism because of being completely uneducated about limerence, yet completely sucked in to every aspect of it that you have described.

I honestly thought it was love - it was soooo powerful!! But when the abuse intensified after the wedding and i ended up having no other option for mine and my children's safety than to call the police, i pulled back and started looking at things differently.

I've learned so much helpful stuff. I just wish i had have known BEFOREHAND.

[immortalsugimandudeguy]

I don’t think I’ve laughed out loud to myself so much during a psychology vid. Felt like I was being read for filth with every question 😭😭 mouth hanging open as I get reality checked, this is the brutally honest support I needed, thank you

[-biki-]

I started learning about Limerence a little while ago, feeling something unsettling going on in my relationship. I realize there were some unhealthy patterns going on, and after talking at length, and a lot of work, we ended it. So much of this applies to me, particularly outsourcing my self-esteem without realizing it.

I got Covid and had to isolate totally and I noticed that I became much happier over the course of a week, after months of depression. I was too delirious to even interact digitally and in that negative space I found my mind reconnecting with itself. That made me really realize something was wrong. The relationship had disconnected me from myself because of limerence on my part. Limerent anxious + fearful/avoidant, What a painful dance. I can already tell I dislike who I became while in that state I wasn’t being my best self.

[reyne]

I’ve been crushing on and experiencing limerence towards girls my whole life. My first serious relationship failed spectacularly, due to physical distance and my self-esteem issues. Then, 4 years ago I met a wonderful man who I have been living with ever since. We’re close friends and I’ve started to develop feelings for him, feelings that I‘ve never experienced before. I call them mature feelings, because I can genuinely see us being a family, having children together and living together peacefully.
It all feels calm, not obsessive like everything before and it took me a few years to recognise my feelings and accept them (especially because I had identified as gay for so long). He knows it, but nothing has come of it yet.
This video has helped me see how much I have matured and healed and what I still need to work on, like actually opening up to him more. Thank you!

[annawolfe]

Heidi you are a real breath of fresh air on the Internet. I appreciate your clear, nonjudgmental, detailed analysis of relationship difficulties in the 21st century.