Why Limerence Can Be Harder To Get Over Than A 'Real' Relationship (And How To Do It)

Videos Referenced:

[heidipriebe]

Please Note: I do not have a telegram account and will not contact you privately for any reason. If someone reaches out to you based on a comment you have left claiming to be me, this is a fraudulent account.

[RobbiJamesVogt]

Limerence is a real ass kicker!!! Hug yourself and talk with your child self. Tell them how proud and how much you love them!

[ignasmaciulis]

I think what we are actually grieving when we grieve a limerent object is the perfect parents and childhood that we deserved but did not have. We feel the pain of all that we did not get (and likely still don't have as a result) - the mirroring, affection, interest, support, safety, mentoring, guidance, freedom, whatever it may be for each of us. We grieve huge swaths of lost childhood experience; lives that were ruined from the outset. The years or decades of silent, unconscious suffering because it was impossible to even express any of this directly.

I think this is the pain that really comes up with limerence, because it lives on in our bodies and demands to be seen and experienced. And it is a vastly different magnitude of pain and loss than a romantic (or any other) relationship not working out in our adult lives.

[BetweenStations]

Took me four years to recover from someone whom i had limerence over - a co worker whom i fell in 'love' with. Now I know that it was limerence and not love HOWEVER the pain it caused me has changed me forever.

[Rut-viiz]

I am now almost 60 years old, but for many years have wondered why I obsessed about two different people in my early 30s and 40s. They never knew of my obsession, and I was married at the time so I felt tremendous guilt about my thoughts. I finally confessed of my obsession regarding one man to my husband (now my ex) hoping to quit having the obsessive thoughts. Even that didnt help me. When I encountered the word limerance a year ago, I finally had a name to put to my experience, and I felt such relief that others were experiencing the same types of intrusive thoughts. I have so often tried to figure out WHY I had those feelings so long ago, despite my best efforts to make them go away. I finally, in listening to this video, have insight into what was happening back then. It also helps me understand myself even better now. Heidi, I can't thank you enough for sharing your knowledge. You have brought peace to my heart more than once now, and I thank you.❤

[lalailm]

Letting myself feel all the feelings as freely and as intensely as they might come in the first days always helps me immensely. i used to bash myself for caring so much about someone who could not care less about me, but now I embrace this aspect of mine and live all the emotions my body wants to feel.
After that, its just a matter of a few days and I am ready to move on

[cookie_dough_hangover]

My experience with limarence was brutal. Realizing that I am literally invisible for the person in question destroyed my self confidence. I needed to start building myself up all over again.

[mushmouth_thenomad]

I’m trying to let go of my Limerence right now. We haven’t talked since Nov 2023 and every single day I think of her. We never dated. We weren’t friends. But we talked and met while volunteering. This has happened to me before but the last few times it lasted for years. I hate when this happens because it’s like I’m stuck on a person while they’re living their life and I’m in my own head building a life we will never have. It’s miserable but your videos helped me understand what’s happening. So that’s a start. Hopefully this one doesn’t last for a year and I can let it go any day now.

[brokencross]

Heidi your videos have helped me IMMENSELY in healing from a horrible and unexpected breakup, I didn't see the signs of avoidance on both sides and you have helped me come to terms with so many of the complex emotions and anxiety. I still have a long way to go, but your information on attachment theory and relationships in general has been invaluable to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for what you do.

[Tania_]

This Twin Flame stuff has been brutal...I'm so grateful for the lessons I've learned and ready to heal and grow! 🙏🏼

[mahnoor]

The timing of your videos makes me want to cry in gratitude because my GOD, this shit is SO SO MUCH harder to get over especially when its all in your head (and serving so many functions). Thank you so much for your thorough and compassion analysis ❤

[Conscious]

spot on. Mine was a product of cptsd, emotional neglect by a narc, ex-alcoholic Mom (adult child, traumatized. abandoned herself.) A lifetime of living as a fearful avoidant, emotional/romantic anorexic as a result of dissociating from my body as her needs always took priority above my own; tried to isolate/hide me from the world & NEVER encouraged romantic relationships....My limerent objects ALWAYS came about from deeply unmet needs (to be desired) OR core wound of being cared for/be seen/heard (any attempt to help me.)

[georockstar]

I think you forgot reason #4 for limerence, is that there's some kind of turmoil in your life causing a lot of negative emotions, so you turn to limerence to sort of distract yourself from the pain of your reality (like a fight with relatives, a falling out, moving somewhere where you have no friends, crappy job etc.). To get out of that, face the problem you're having, or grieve the loss you've had. I remember at one point I found myself thinking obsessively about a guy, so I tried to distract myself with video games, and when the game crashed, my thoughts didn't go back to the guy but to something like "I don't think my parents actually loved me as much as I thought they did" and I cried about it and then felt so much better because it was a truth I had to finally face and accept (they're emotionally immature. Not all parents love their kids or love them equally, they just say whatever is dictated by society. You're going to come across people like that at some point and there's a chance you're related to them yourself).

[lydibugmuzik]

You’ve released this video at the perfect time! The title itself is so validating. As I’ve learned about limerence this past year, I’m starting to understand that most people don’t have debilitating “crushes”. I thought my intense difficulty and pain in getting over unrequited “love” came down to my lack of willpower. Now I realize that different areas of my subconscious have been using limerence as a coping mechanism to both block out and bring my attention to worthiness wounds that need healing. This video has given me more tools with which to dig deep. Please keep them coming!

[nickskywalker]

"to believe that love was about encouraging the best in people and ignoring or politely turning away from people's pain and struggle".
You nailed it here. I tried to express that earlier this week but couldn't formulate it as well.
This is the next step for me.
It goes with being more accepting with myself too

[draapulus]

Summary/ Overview:
2:24 Three primary reasons

2:34 1st - Limerant relationships are trying to answer a fundamentally different question for us, (3:33) am i okay? Self-relationship wounded self-esteem projected onto other, their love fix the ways in which we dont love ourselves, self-esteem issue.
Soothing whatever unconsious pain causing need to externalize your self-worth. Might try avoiding getting mirrored by other your worldview ev toxic shame, if someone saw you and mirror deepest parts they disgusted. Covering up lack of intimacy with limerance. Not showing real self - not threatened.
Idealizing, projecting, pedestal, self-relationship wounded self-esteem projected onto other, their love fix the ways in which we dont love ourselves, self-esteem issue.
Secure: allow myself be seen and see the other person clearly. General answer, are we a good fit? Compatable with me n my values, out of life, offer eachother, happy, secure relationship?

8:34 2nd - Might be best defence we have against loneliness. Intimacy issues.
Deeply seen and mirrored. Hide, strong mask, when unable uphold mask - retreat.
Secure/Love: Be present, in good n bad struggle. Encourage the best in people.

13:03 3rd - Integration would be threatening, insteed comes out ev as fantasies, limerance.
Might be serving an important function, fantasy keep something in our conscious awareness that were unable to tolerate in our direct conscious experience.. Defensive exclusion: psychologically intolerable integrate awareness, admit intolerable piece information - when adult we can tolerate much more vs when child. Blindspot, some part of mind info threatening to experience consciously unconciously.. adaptive purpose.
Integration would be threatening, insteed comes out ev as fantasies, limerance.

17:13 Integration work?
17:19 Notice what it is were so desperate for? causing obsession projection.
Want integrate that trait..
18:35 reality-based relationships
20:00 Example - stillness trait.
21:35 Tackle it at the core, whatever wound causing project part wholeness onto another person, heal wound.

[smaanuel]

The insight about how we try to address the maladaptive internal parts of ourselves with limerence really cuts through a lot of confusing feelings. The videos you have been putting out lately have been the perfect followup to your more general videos on things like toxic shame. Those earlier videos helped me change my entire perspective for the better, but now that I'm not neck deep in an unchallenged hearing more elaboration is great.

Being more open to myself has led to a lot of "I know my subconscious is trying to tell me something but I have absolutely no idea what it is" and your well structured elaborations on the core concepts of limerance, shame, etc. help a lot.

[joshliam]

I feel like a broken record every time I say thank you for making all of these videos, but the process of overcoming limerence has itself felt like a record that's kept playing over and over and over on repeat. Thank you for helping me to figure out what was keeping me stuck.

[ashleyr.]

Boy where was this video when I needed it! I had my first experience with limerance for almost 7 brutal months! I knew my thoughts weren't rational. What I was doing wasn't rational but instead of doing the things required for my self esteem I ended up in a pit of depression. Luckily I got over it. Generally still like the guy as an acquaintance but holy shart it was like a hell I never want to re experience or would want anyone to

[ClaireHanlon]

I’m going to talk to my children about this in their adolescence because I needed to know this as a pre-teen!