Why Narcissist Can't Love (with Daria Żukowska, Clinical Psychologist)

Narcissist incapable of any kind of love.

Othering failure (incapable of perceiving others as separate or external objects).

Positive and negative emotions intertwined.

Cognitive over emotional.

Bad object validation as unlovable: projective identification.

Superiority, power (love is mundane, weakness) lead to contempt.

Reenactment of early childhood conflicts (separation-individuation)

Love is incestuous.

Love ends in pain, abandonment, is unsafe, a loss of control over threats (external locus), anxiogenic.

Love conditioned on performance, transactional, benefits.

[jeanpierce]

To the lonely, the vulnerable.. that found themselves in these relationships by mistake because of needs within ourselves.
The best saying that rings true..
"We all eat lies when we're hungry"
Forgive yourself for that hunger. What you didn't know. For staying long after the plate was empty and the dishes broken.
You deserve real communication and real love ❤

[OlympianVenus]

Some of us find ourselves vulnerable to these men because at home we didn’t have parents that would hug and give us love and all we got was “tough love”. So we keep chasing that love we never got and get into relationships because of the share fantasy the narcissist sells us.

[loftyloambloomPlants]

My eyes nearly welled up with tears when she asked "Why does it hurt like nothing else in the earth?" But when Sam explained the part about "reflection" and "shared fantasy" my would be tears dried right up. This is a wake up call and much needed reality check for moving in a more emotionally productive direction.

[ayerev]

this is so accurate it is amazing. I met a girl that behaved exactly how the prof. describes it. It seemed so weird and it felt like we processed the world entirely differently. I broke it off because these kinds of people demand that you submit to them but at the same time they want the right to abuse you. At the end it is up to you to not enable them.

[sarahgant]

The best video ive ever seen on line explaining why the narc cant love.priceless and absolute gold.

[LearnWithAMicrobiologyGeek]

The entire conversation gives me shivers. It's like revisiting the worst nightmare from which you cannot wake up. I have been free from ex-narc for four years, and it feels liberating.

[sunshine]

I cried twice 😢 First for my ex because he will always be miserable. Second, all the grieving he explains it so well. I have been in so much pain and it feels terrible, I've been searching for answers.

[lovelive]

This is spot on 💯💯💯💯💯 my “husband” acts this way all the way. He is the worst person I ever met in my entire life!!!

[pansypotter]

I now have a better understanding of my husband who I've been married to for over 40 years and why he is the way he is. I've never felt truly loved and I watch other couples and see how adoring they are towards each other. I know I've missed out, he's never made me feel special, put others before me and I know the root of the problem now looking back. It all makes perfect sense 😔

[susannesacco]

wow, so exactly on! The oddity of withholding love, affection and even sex. Taking responsibility for allowing it, not seeing it sooner. Forgiving and letting go but being smarter and self fulfilled is the best recovery! I do feel bad even for the narcissist for in most cases they suffered abuse and were unable to integrate and heal. I feel for them that they will never really know true love.

[lmb]

This was the most accurate account of exactly a NPD relationship. This man is amazing!!! Thank you so much for this.

[xochitl]

It’s true, when you love a narcissist, you develop maternal feelings!

[saladgirl]

I always felt alienated by his idealisation, it felt like he didn’t “see” me. I would act like a jerk on purpose in effort to get him to respond to me honestly. That never worked, for that and many other reasons I left.

[mlou]

My NPD spouse laughed when I gave him separation papers- he refused to let me leave. I waited, like a good trauma-bond, until he physically acted out, and I got a CPO. I almost didn’t file, though- because I was so conditioned to stay and allow his bad behavior!

[EduUy]

1.      El narcisista siempre convive con objetos internos que no están separados de él. Por lo tanto, cualquier sentimiento es hacia sí mismo inclusive la atracción sexual es esencialmente autoerotismo

2.      El narcisista sólo siente empatía cognitiva y no empatía emocional, condición indispensable para un sentimiento de amor sano.

3.      El narcisista no puede conectar con emociones positivas como el amor porque inmediatamente la asocia con la vergüenza, abandono y dolor y lo llena de ansiedad anticipatoria. El amor no es un sentimiento seguro para él. Por lo tanto se protege de sentir emociones negativas no sintiendo las positivas

4.      El narcisista tiene voces interiores que le dicen constantemente que es un objeto malo, por lo tanto no se considera digno de ser amado. Valida esas voces que por lo general son de origen de madre o padre,  forzando a su partner a no amarlo, abusando de el,  hasta que se canse y lo abandone. Catastrofiza la experiencia y se autocondena al fracaso.

5.      El amor lo vuelve un ser común y necesitado como todos, lo cual atenta directamente contra su sentido de grandiosidad. Lo siente como un juego de poder, donde se percibe en inferioridad para  competir y superar.

6.      Internaliza cualquier relación como un reflejo materno y decide hacerle a su partner lo mismo que le hicieron a él, (pero que no le hace a su madre),  esto es, rechazarla. Por supuesto, en compulsión de repetición

7.      El narcisista entiende el amor de lis demás como algo transaccional, tiene que entregar algo cambio, así se lo han hecho entender,  pues le condicionaron el merecimiento de ser amado a ciertos logros o esfuerzos. Y entiende que si lo amas es porque algo requieres de él. Entiende el amor como un elemento de manipulación.

8.      Lo que el narcisista mal etiqueta como amor es una adictiva fantasía compartida donde idealiza a su partner y se idealiza a sí mismo. Ese ha sido y es su gran refugio ante la realidad de la cual está divorciado.

9.      El narcisista no tiene una relación contigo sino consigo mismo. Como el se percibe a sí mismo como un objeto malo, tarde o temprano tú también lo serás y eso le dará legitimidad para descartarte. No hay ningún esfuerzo que puedas hacer para evitar el descarte. Eres como un objeto terapéutico para él que cumple una función y culmina.

[nadirmilazzo]

Fascinating, now I don't need to deal with the guilt, shame, or fear.

[sondra]

We’re 39 years in to our shared fantasy and halfway through the completion of it. Now my narcissist husband has a girlfriend. He’s literally throwing away our dream: that’s BEING BUILT as we speak, for another woman. I told him I hope she’s worth it. He’ll be paying me 1/2 of the value of the land and house, and all of my funds I’ve invested in the project WITH INTEREST. A very large sum (to me). I truly hope she’s worth it!! She must be made of gold. In this episode you don’t seem to be talking about “covert” narcissism, which mine is. But I see many similarities.

[tamtran-omft]

thank you so much professor. you understand narcissists more than themselves 🤫🤫

[basilrose]

Excellent presentation, thank you Sam and Daria. In my estimation this is the only video anyone in a relationship with one of those shapeshifters needs to hear.

[susiek]

U know what's sad her face more towards the end because, she's still in disbelief! Me too . . . how was it ALL FAKE!