How To Stop Ruminating On Past Relationships (And Finally Move On)

[Lesane]

Don't be afraid to start over again, because this time you 're not starting from scratch.... You're starting from experience!

[Sariimura]

Heidi, I cannot stress this enough: This is one of the best channels in YouTube and EVERYONE could benefit from watching your videos. Thank you for helping us through our struggles and pain, and reminding us there is hope.

[ryanslings]

"Murder the what-ifs" is one I'm going to take and use for everything now. I absolutely love it.

[restymacalisang]

Step 1: Admit that the break-up hurts ( betrayal)

I've been separated from this person for 3 years now. I played hundreds of stories in my head about why this relationship ended. But ultimately, it was about crossing a boundary. This person cheated on me, and I made him decide whom to choose, and he chose the other person. That decision SHATTERED my heart into pieces. I was deeply hurt. We had bargaining moments (we met up several times), but he still didn't want me. After a year, I asked him if he wanted to be in a relationship again. He told me he was already in love with someone else. Got my heart broken again.

This is the real story. For the time in my life, I finally had the courage to share this. This is what happened, and it HURTS so bad. It made me scared to love again.

Writing this down gave me a sense of hope. I am finally learning to stop making up nonsense stories about my past. I'm positive that this will be over soon and I can finally love again!

[wyattcoe]

“Nothing heals from a place of invulnerability.” Beautifully articulated ❤

[joselingarcia]

After I said “admit that it hurt” I started crying like a baby.

[Rrt]

What hurts me the most is i feel like i betrayed myself in being in a relationship with him.its like i molded myself for him just to receive love in return but i still didnt get it 😭

[discopotato]

The narcissist/borderline really makes the aftermath so much more difficult somehow. Even knowing you're better off without them. That toxic trauma bond holds you hostage.

[wildflower]

Man. I went to therapy today and it was the biggest waste of time. Basically she told me I just needed to focus on myself and the future and what I can fix. True statements, but not what I needed to hear. I needed to hear THIS. Thank you for doing what you do.

[chisomoffor]

I think I’m scared of moving on, so I’m holding on to positive and the negative memories, cause moving on means I have to feel it way deeper and take the shame and blame of my part in the relationship ending and how my attachment was triggered

[elisabethannwexler]

"Until we name it & feel it & give ourselves the comfort we need around it, we are not going to get better from our pain. Do the secure thing; acknowledge that you felt it & acknowledge that you need to do something different." Yes, very powerful wisdom. Thank you. Heidi, this video is so helpful. The analysis that you bring to it is right on & very clear, reflecting on insecure attachment styled individuals having challenges with letting go of past relationships. Your videos are educational, supportive & inspiring. You make this information accessible in essential conceptual & detailed ways so that listener/viewers can understand its contents.

[PEHfinale]

In regards to Step 2:
If the ex IS a narcissist and is made aware of your inability to move on from them, there is a danger of them trying to manipulate you back into an unhealthy relationship that you had previously escaped from.

[jeremiahleasure]

Thanks Heidi. It’s been 8 years and I’m still really sad and depressed about my breakup. I think I’m messed up. I really did love her. At least I didn’t kill myself.

[rayannatoney]

This video has great information. I would like to add something for Step 2- if someone isn’t not able to speak to the other person about what happened in the relationship, one suggestion I’d recommend is to write your response down on paper or electronically. You don’t have to give the response to the other person, it’s for you and your closure. That’s what helped me move on in my previous relationship. Hope this helps 🙂

[laurenjackson]

This video just healed years of pain I’ve been experiencing by ruminating & romanticizing certain relationships in my life. Thank you for explaining this so clearly & eloquently 💖

[Mooncookie]

I’ll add my deep thanks to all the others. After all the stories I’ve been spinning, the examination and attempt to diagnose HIS problem, you brought me to a simple but painful truth. I loved somebody who didn’t love me back. He never claimed to, and the signs were everywhere, but I couldn’t accept this because I would have to let go. Finally I feel able to do so, and I feel such a sense of relief.

[howtosober]

This video is such a necessary topic, AND the video specifically about FAs having a hard time moving on is pure gold. Usually for me it's two things- both covered by Heidi and nowhere else, as far as I've seen:
1) The mountain of rage I'm stuck with at everything I gave to the relationship and never got back, only to be totally disregarded in the end
2) The fact I rarely connect with anyone enough to want to be in relationships at all, and once I do I feel an enormous sense of betrayal when it doesn't work out
FORTUNATELY, attachment systems are not genetic defects. They can be healed, and I don't ever have to put myself in the position to feel this way again.

[ger.man_]

i literally finished this video, wrote down everythign that happened as if it was captured by a camera, went to touch grass a bit, and then started bawling my eyes out. it's my birthday too and ive been sitting ruminating for the past 4 months post BU, very sad and lonely but thinking soooo much about how the other person is doing, stlaking and researching things to undesand her better, it was my coping mechanism to not let go.

i think this is my first day finally moving on.

[LittleGreenPearl]

Your channel is the single most important channel to exist for me these 7 months since my break up. I can’t thank you enough, Heidi. I hope your channel grows to millions so everyone can learn to love themselves and others securely. ❤

[callmemunashe]

7 years later from its 2016 release I'm still reading "This Is Me Letting You Go", I remember I bought the book when I was working a miserable call centre job and in-between calls I'd read your Thought Catalog articles. So many amazing essays that I still read all the time. My favourite chapters are 'If You Didn't Get a Good Morning Text" and "The Truth About Meeting People at the Wrong Time". I need a sequel but for now, your videos are holding me down. I recently found your channel and it took me back to my teen years when I avidly read your TC articles.❤