Overthinking 4: Social Anxiety: 'Why Did I Say That?!'

You know the feeling, you come out of a work meeting or a hangout with friends and start thinking “Why did I say that? I should have responded this way! I am such an idiot! What did he mean when he said…?” Or you think “I was the most awkward person at the party!” Or “I overshared, way too much personal information” or you worry “Did I hurt someone’s feelings!?”
This type of overthinking can be a symptom of social anxiety disorder, it can also just be a symptom of anxiety in general. But when you overanalyze your personal relationships to the point that you are afraid of an emotional connection with another person you’re essentially slipping into a mental rut called Rumination. It’s really common and there’s a lot you can do about it. In this video we’re going to learn 4 ways to stop overthinking every social situation.
1. Learn to notice your cognitive distortions about social situations and social anxiety
2. People aren't nearly as obsessed with you as you are with yourself, social anxiety lies to you
3. Catch yourself when you catastrophize about social situations
4. Social anxiety is fueled by underlying beliefs like:
I must be perfect to be accepted
I must never make anyone else uncomfortable
I must never make a mistake in front of another person
I must never be weird
You can learn to combat social anxiety by learning to challenge your thoughts.

Therapy in a Nutshell and the information provided by Emma McAdam are solely intended for informational and entertainment purposes and are not a substitute for advice, diagnosis, or treatment regarding medical or mental health conditions. Although Emma McAdam is a licensed marriage and family therapist, the views expressed on this site or any related content should not be taken for medical or psychiatric advice. Always consult your physician before making any decisions related to your physical or mental health.
In therapy I use a combination of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Systems Theory, positive psychology, and a bio-psycho-social approach to treating mental illness and other challenges we all face in life. The ideas from my videos are frequently adapted from multiple sources. Many of them come from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, especially the work of Steven Hayes, Jason Luoma, and Russ Harris. The sections on stress and the mind-body connection derive from the work of Stephen Porges (the Polyvagal theory), Peter Levine (Somatic Experiencing) Francine Shapiro (EMDR), and Bessel Van Der Kolk. I also rely heavily on the work of the Arbinger institute for my overall understanding of our ability to choose our life's direction.

Copyright Therapy in a Nutshell, LLC

[GetKaseFit]

It’s so interesting how some people are unapologetically themselves to others and then there’s the rest of us who are constantly overthinking about how we come across.

[salehalsaid]

Two things i learnt that maybe some people can benefit from too:
-awkward situations are not bad. They're just awkward.
-if you try to remember something awkward someone else did, you will probably fail, and most people wont remember yours either.

[angeloselarja]

Still feeling terrible and shameful after of saying something stupid

[Belief_Before_Glory]

"We suffer more in imagination than in reality."
—Seneca

[ginaale]

1.) faulty self evaluation - name your emotions and let go of self judgment
2.) “everyone’s looking at me” - shift your attention outwards
3.) “if I messed up it would be catastrophic” - you’re safe, even if you did mess up you’d be okay
4.) “I have to be perfect to be accepted” I value real human connection and all the feelings that come with it

[ingrid]

The show Impractical Jokers has unexpectedly helped me through my social anxiety. If you haven’t seen it, it’s basically a prank show where 4 friends dare each other to do and say the most embarrassing and awkward things in public. Most of the situations are anyone’s worst social nightmare even for people who don’t have social anxiety. Moral of the story: none of the 4 friends die from embarrassment. They survive.

[alyssapowell]

I think what therapists ignore with this is that people who grew up bullied as children feel everyone is looking and judging them because that's what happened. I don't think people would believe the comments, and jokes that I got as a child and still get today just walking through a store. People notice everything. People make rude comments to your face. And those of us that are autistic have people come up to them and bully them still. I just had some guy at a grocery store charge up to me and accuse me of being the person who dented his car. I had no idea why. He said it was because I look weird and I didn't have a cart. He literally singled me out because I'm autistic. Honestly, I don't want to connect with people. People are terrible, rude and obnoxious.

[MiciousDawn]

Something I discovered recently that has greatly helped me with this kind of anxiety is telling myself since I’m allowed to be a human and take up some space, any person who nit-picks at me or watches or listens to me trying to catch me doing something bad, THEY are the weirdo. Why are they listening in on my convo? Why are they talking crap about my outfit? They’re the ones who need to find a life and not be so obsessed with me.

This has helped me in so many other areas too. I have struggled with jealousy in my current relationship and would fixate on who my bf was looking at or talking to. If a thought like that comes up I tell myself: I’m worth receiving kind and respectful treatment and if it turns out he really is being unfaithful, that’s on him. He can carry that guilt and look like a massive jerk. It sounds mean but it ultimately helps me treat him fairly while lifting my self esteem back up.

[continentalgin]

I once had a therapist who said, "Don't be so hard on yourself. Don't try so hard to please others. Relax and enjoy life more."

[Breezely]

I remember having a great time at a party, going home and feeling horrible bc I felt like such a failure. I had a great time at the party, and so did everyone else. But my brain just kept thinking that I must have done something wrong at some points.

[Steven_Olson]

One reason I love Emma's videos is because she addresses us like she's just a good friend who wants to help. And knows a lot about mental health.

[leesalovely]

This is ALL I do EVERY DAY AND EVERY NIGHT even when I have a day by myself, I'm either replaying work interactions (that are 90% negative because I'm hyper vigilant and reactive). OR I'm replaying childhood/early adulthood traumatic events.

Rumination is ALL I do and I don't know how to get out.

[michelleonardo]

"Why did I say that?", that was exactly what I said after I got home and started to think about all the things I said in my first day of internship. I felt irrationally terrible!

[cirelo]

I think that my social anxiety ramped up when I had some really surprising encounters with negative judgements and they felt traumatic because they involved gossip and turning people against me. Now I overanalyze social situations because i feel i have to protect myself. I also feel like those are real consequences! Loss of attachment relationships is not a light thing to brush off.

[flawed]

This reminds me of working at a movie theater and how people would get embarrassed for saying “you too” when I told them to enjoy their movie. The thing is, I never thought these people were dumb. I never even thought twice about it because it happened CONSTANTLY. Doing that doesn’t make you dumb.. In fact, it makes you a lot like everybody else.

[granny-nyan]

Something that really helped me: you'll hurt people on some level, it's unavoidable. And they can deal with it, and ask you to apologize it necessary. Of course, be as gentle as you can! But accepting the hurt is inevitable and accepting it really helped me. People can survive your mistakes! And so can you.

[SaraBlu]

Just started a new job today after a long time at home (mostly alone). My head is literally spinning from all the conversations and a dozen „OMG why did I say that“. I had to laugh though when I saw that you just posted this video. Much needed here.

[torashiro]

"If you have a different standard for yourself than others, you're not seeing things clearly." That resonates on multiple levels, thank you.

[juliak]

I was being bullied at school and the second 'anxiety' that was described here was actually happening to me for real, like people were staring at me and commented my action, clothes and laugh at me.
And this one is really hard for me to overcome and still hunts me in my adult life.
Although my 'wounds' was somehow closed I can't help feeling sometimes that group of people are secretly laughing and hate me.

[BrooksSeanRobinson]

When thinking of an embarrassing memory it helps me to repeat an REM lyric like a mantra: "Nobody remembers, nobody cares..."