Autistic Masking & Unmasking

Autism masking and unmasking is following me on my journey as a late diagnosed autistic adult. It's been a long, hard process and I wanted to share how it's going for me at this stage six years after diagnosis.

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[el_]

I’ve always felt so insecure about my “boring” personality because I wasn’t fun and bubbly like the people around me. I’ve always been quiet and reserved, usually because my brain is busy taking in all the information in my environment! It’s only been very recently and since my autism diagnosis that I’ve realised I don’t need to be the fun and energetic person, my traits of being quiet, introspective and empathetic are equally as valuable and my friends are often appreciative of my genuine interest in their lives and ability to listen empathetically to them :)

[onlyinsomniac]

I have VERY vivid memories of trying to imitate the "popular" girls when I was in elementary school. Learned all of my social skills thru mimickry, I'm almost 30 and still struggling to figure out which parts are me, and which parts were just imitating others to blend in.

[lezbhonest]

I have also been masking since 3. In my mid-twenties now. I remember consciously thinking “I’m going to stop living based on what I want, and start living to please my family.” This has lead to burnout and mental health issues. This was so healing to hear!

[neon_family]

Masking has been a big issue with my 9 year old daughter she masks terrible in school, very shy and quite but she bottles everything up and explodes when she comes home which has made getting support for her hard. I even noticed she masks around her brother and sister and tries to make them think she likes all the stuff they do in order to fit in. The only time she's unmasked and comfortable is when it's just me and her

[tiffanylin]

The motto I had when I was growing up was, "It's okay if I suffer, as long as my family and friends don't." I thought it was the perfect solution for everything. Now, as I discover my autistic self, I realize how draining that was over the years. My mental health is basically...sh*t! Thank you for posting these videos. It's nice to hear other people have the same experience. P.s. I've often wonder why I like your newer videos than your old videos (I found your channel recently and have been binging). I think it's because you are more Ella as you continue to unmask.

[henryscout]

I've had a lot of success masking, but it leaves me extremely unfulfilled emotionally and socially. I was diagnosed a month ago after strongly suspecting I had autism for a few years and no one, myself included, knows the "real me". I feel like there's nowhere I can truly escape to and I'm left exhausted and unsure how to help myself when I'm overwhelmed. Videos like this have been fantastic though and shown me from the perspective of another autistic person steps I can take to find ways to unwind from this performance and relax for the first time in a very very long time. It feels so relieving to tell my family, friends or my boyfriend how I feel accurately and to have them understand me a little better and be able to support me as I learn how to live happily while autistic. Thanks Ella :)

[arilzpp]

This is so relatable for me and I hear many ASD folk! I used to think this was normal.

Even though my bff's would tell me they don't do that when I'd open up about taking on traits of certain characters. I didn't believe them because my family had several gaslighting champs that would lie whenever embarrassed. So I thought ppl all did this but just were too embarrassed to admit it. Lol 🤣

I love the self acceptance of the genuine self!

I don't think it's wrong to not show al of yourself when doing something like YouTube videos. But there's a difference between having an appropriate and polite social behavior and completely masking.

For me this was confusing because I thought they were the same. When I was tired of masking as a teen I just was honest about not getting the point of polite things that have no obvious lasting benefit to anyone. Saying "thank you" when someone compliments your shoes felt silly...they didn't give me my shoes, their opinion isn't going to change my day....and I didn't think it should change theirs if I say the same. But learning the balance is a perpetual experience. 😄

[anngreen]

listening to this is so helpful, I can feel my body relaxing slightly (I am alone at home). I think I will have to learn to unmask on my own first, before trying it anywhere else. Like you say, it is a journey, and I wish us all self compassion while we find our way. Thanks Ella!

[cazridley]

I relate so much to this especially about not being the you your husband signed up to, I’ve been married for 27 years but I’m right at the start of my autism journey and I’m really scared of what unmasking may do to my marriage although bits of me keep leaking out as my mask is broken, but I’m clinging on to it as like another commenter said I don’t feel safe anywhere to take it of. Also if I take it off I really have no idea who me is although I’m fairly certain she likes penguins, books and hiding under blankets. Please don’t change how and what you do ..sure there are a ton of people speaking on autism now but so many are men, or in the USA or much younger than me so as an over 40 female in the UK I really really appreciate your content and find the fact you share so honestly really helpful.

[BassGal]

When it comes to unmasking, I feel like I'm unable to because I don't feel safe unmasking any place that isn't home. If I do unmask anywhere else, it's unintentional and probably due to being unable to cope in a situation. I hope to one day be able to unmask and be my authentic self, but since I spent so long masking as a late-diagnosed person that I'm unsure if I can unmask.

[michaelmazzen]

Im late diagnosed with autism and ADD, a bit like you. I got my diagnose about 6 years ago. Im 48 years old now. And its only in the recent year i really started taking my neurodivergent challenges serious. After a lifetime of struggling with loneliness, depression, rejection...
But god damn, its a long rough journey.
Im thankfull for where I am right now, and so thankfull for wonderfull persons like you sharing and helping like you do. I watched a lot if your videos, and everything you say just resonates with me.
Thank you so, so much.

[TomoyoTatar]

I'm in burn out now. I'm in my mid twenties and and it FING SUCCCKKS. I did all the things you did. I can't mask well now and feel like a complete weirdo, even more so when I didn't fit it in school. But at least now I know what's going on. I'm slowly learning to be myself.

[JaneRakali]

I'm in my fifties now and masking is just fucking exhausting.

[graceface]

I love the idea of a personal 'Ella' journal! It can be so overwhelming to realize just how much of yourself you've changed to appease others, like peeling an onion and finding layer after layer of masking. After a while, it gets so meta that I second guess every single thing I've ever liked and done haha! Who even am I?!? This is a good way to find your 'True North' as a person and keep it all straight in your head

[recoverywithme]

Gosh how i relate, thank you so much. I am awaiting my referral at 33 & ive done many tests at home. After a life of trauma and masking... i finally have the answer that ive longed for. Ive been unconsciously un-masking after quitting alcohol, thinking it was about just trauma and healing. I didn't even consider.. that maybe I'd masked Autism so successfully that id even fooled myself. Until the burn-out. These past few days have been the awakening I needed. I also never knew how much my hormones could push me over the edge if Im not mindful.. much to digest. Thank you Ella, what a wonderful channel <3

[Sploberrie]

I'm not sure exactly for how much of my life I was masking, but I noticed that in the past year, after getting to know more people on the spectrum, understanding better what being on the spectrum actually means, and becoming at peace with the fact that I'm on the spectrum (a fact I was trying to run away from before), I started to mask significantly less. I don't force myself to look at people in the eye, I let myself position myself weirdly in the room, I don't try not to stim, I no longer force myself to be more engaged in a conversation than I actually am, I don't try to say socially expected things to people if I'm not comfortable, etc.

[cedarmccloud]

I only just discovered I'm autistic a year ago at age 31, and everything you shared in this video makes me feel better about the unmasking journey, which I've only just begun. I relate so much to some of your thoughts and experiences--when you mentioned letting yourself just be and act on instinct rather than "putting on a smile and trying to be likeable and interesting and fun all the time" I really felt that one deeply!

[RennRenn]

I just turned 37 and and only recently discovering I'm most likely on the spectrum. I've been observing how I feel and act closely and seeing little things I've been doing that are stims and how I've been masking those stims. It's been really revealing. I don't beat myself up anymore for actually needing almost daily naps. My anxiety and irritability is more easily managed now I know what I'm looking for and what triggers it.
Ella, you've been a big part of me discovering these things with your videos along with a couple of others y'all are the first resource I've used to discover more about how to avoid burnout and meltdowns. I'm so grateful for this YouTube community.

[amandachapman]

Another of your videos that rings true for me! I'm in the (very slow) process of unmasking, and a lot of the time I am asking myself "who am I, actually?" I went through almost 60 years of life before starting to reach the conclusion that I'm autistic and ADHD. 60 years-worth of masking layers, imagine it! 6 years later and it is still very much a work in progress. I have to unmask to myself before I can unmask in the world. It's like peeling a boiled egg when the shell is firmly stuck to the egg 🙄

[charmedprince]

Gosh. That second adolescence thing is so true. After having discovered that I am an autistic ADHD limerent bipolar schizophrenic and everything else in between, I am now on the process if undoing and repairing everything that went wrong for me growing up from 12-31 years old. I am 32 now and on the process of finding my authentic, traumatized teen self and loving him harder and stronger than anyone in my life (myself included) ever did. Peace to all who are in this plight. ❤️