Autistic masking: a dangerous survival mechanism | Leah Reinardy | TEDxHopeCollege

This talk contains discussion of suicide and mental health and contains a statistic on sexual assault.

[OoMASEoO]

"You're so outgoing!" You have no idea how much work I'm putting into making you think that. Also I'm about to cry.

[leahreinardy]

Full transparency - over the past couple of weeks I have been considering taking down this talk; however, after reading these comments, this needs to stay online.

Seeing y'all not only relate to my experience but build each other up in discussions with one another is INCREDIBLY impactful and reminds me why I do this work. Thank you all for your authenticity and vulnerability around some very stigmatized topics - I wish you all the best as you continue to work through the trauma you've experienced.

[ritzee]

The problem with masking is that its very hard to stop. The only place I feel like myself is in my room or while I'm completely alone. I feel like no one really knows me now because of masking.

[FuzzyTrekkie]

That quote "who was I?" Hit home for me. When I was 25 it clicked that I had spent so much of my life being what I felt others wanted me to be that I no longer knew who I actually was

[sirbarne]

“I never stopped this performance for fear of being seen as rude, incompetent, unprofessional. They would see what’s wrong with me.” That quote was the first quote that’s ever made me burst into tears. Never have I understood something more in my life. I want to stop masking and I’m trying to I think I’m getting better at it. I don’t know why I’m saying so much on here maybe cause it’s “anonymous” and that it feels kinda good to show vulnerability for once.

[linden]

There is an intense, deeply insidious rejection that occurs when we're accepted while masking. It's like a dagger to the heart when it's those closest to us who become enthusuastic about our masked selves.

Fortunately for me over time my loved ones saw the fallout and the healing that happened after my late diagnosis and unmasking.

Masking in healthcare settings is a huge issue. Me doing it meant my pain and distress was underestimated often and led to major neglect and untreated problems.

Autistic people deserve all the acceptance and support in the world. We've been through so much.

[YourDailyFae]

Please keep this online. I am a neurodivergent teacher who is leaving the field due to illness and I am so scared for all my neurodivergent kids.

[mayug.]

The whole "I can be myself when I graduate" hit me so hard. Not just for being autistic, but also being in the closet. Waiting one more semester, one more month, one more week, it's incredibly exhausting. But this talk made me feel seen. Just like many others talking about their experiences with autism have helped me feel seen. I cry happy tears tonight because your vulnerability has reached my heart from across the screen, from across the world. Thank you so much for existing, you are brave and I feel for you. Let's keep on choosing life every day.

[voyaginghopian]

I have three options:

1. Continue masking in order to pursue my dream career and somehow learn to cope so as to not get burned out again (if that's even possible, LOL)

2. Drop the mask and risk social ostracization and limited job opportunities

3. Retreat into an online job and risk severe isolation // not pursuing the career/life I had always wanted to pursue

Fun times. :/

[althea]

“I don’t owe you that vulnerability.” Wow I needed to hear those words as I begin to crawl back over the bridge towards my true ND self. Thank you for sharing this and letting it remain here each day.

[Delightindifference]

Masking is exhausting. Being the real me is lonely. I relate so much to everything said. Thank you.

[scmizzit]

I'm 39 and looking into getting an autism diagnosis. I have been masking for as long as I can remember. I have become an expert at latching onto others personalities and incorporating them into my own. I have recently been having to deal with the fact that I have no idea who I am. That is the scariest thing I have ever had to attempt to understand.

[bettyhappschatt]

My son - on the spectrum - turns 21 tomorrow. I have learned to drop unnecessary filler words and be blunt. I have noticed I appreciate it in others. There is so much to think about in this talk.

[demibeans]

I started crying halfway through you talking. I’m undiagnosed but suspect I may be ND, but I’ve masked so well all of my life that most people didn’t seem to pick up on it, including myself. They just say I’m a little flaky, sometimes unreliable and at worst annoying and too sensitive. For me, I haven’t felt like myself since I was in early elementary school, I just know I can’t handle people, I have anxiety and sometimes I think about not existing because I don’t know who I am or what I’m supposed to do. Since the end of high school I’ve been so afraid to come off cold and apathetic that I’ve changed my whole personality not knowing that was another layer of masking until now. I always tell new people I meet, “you should have met me when i was younger, I barely talked!” Because people would always tell me “you’re so outgoing, you speak so well, you’re so friendly and nice.” I never tell them that at the end of the day my emotions are so fried that I stop thinking when I get home. I shut myself in my room, cry, watch mindless TV so I can just hear noise, lay in my bed and contemplate every interaction I think went wrong and how to correct it.

At this point, I just have no idea what I’m doing or who I am anymore except someone who tries to make people happy without much success. My parents asked me recently, “don’t you have any dreams? Or goals? You’re wasting away.” And all I could say was that I don’t. I don’t have dreams, I never knew what I wanted, I only knew what other people wanted of me. And then they looked at me in disappointment, I know the look well now. Like I failed, like they failed to raise me well, which is the only pride you have as an Asian parent. They can’t boast about me because I’m emotionally unhinged and can’t hold a job even though my life depends on it. My mom another time told me if I don’t change who i am, if I couldn’t show I cared enough, if I couldn’t be happy and thankful outwardly, no one was gonna stay with me and love me. And I felt like she was right. I still feel like she is right.

Finding this community recently though has changed everything for me. Not immediately, but in the way I started to think about how I am. I want to get diagnosed to know for sure because it’s literally killing me slowly not knowing what’s wrong with me, I can feel my life slipping through my fingers and I just don’t want that anymore.

Thank you for this talk, Leah. It was incredibly cathartic to hear someone say things that I’ve been afraid to say all my life.

[mythandmagic]

"This world needs you. The real you. And it could stand to learn from the ways you operate and interact within it every single day." Beautiful, vulnerable, emotional speech. We're all so glad you chose not to take the video down. Thank you for sharing your story and inspiring so many people.

[ericaduffy]

Leah...you are precious. I was just diagnosed with Autism. I am 59, almost 60. After 50 it becomes harder to mask. I had no idea what was going on as I was unraveling and everything you were saying I can relate to so much. You keep doing what you are doing. You are part of the solution. Thank you for do this. It must have been exhausting. Much love!

[jay]

I didn't realize I was autistic until I was 18. This year (age 19) I got punished so badly just for unmasking. I was berated, excluded, had rumors spread about me, and worst of all, I was treated like a child, which quite frankly, is dehumanizing. The person doing this to me was the president of the club of my special interest (gymnastics). She kicked me out of our nationals for the most minor things, and 2 out of 3 reasons weren't even true/ weren't my fault. She hated me but was so damn manipulative toward me that it made me depressed for months. I was so hurt and depressed I got distracted constantly. That distraction led to a car accident. Honestly, I'm just tired of being treated this way. I am not diagnosed, and don't want to get diagnosed because of the legal discrimination I would face. That girl who did this to me had no idea I was autistic, but that is no excuse. Our society needs to stop punishing people for autistic traits. Because at the end of the day, punishing autistic traits is punishing someone for having a disability. You don't need to know that someone has been diagnosed with a disability to treat them with respect. If I'm not hurting anyone, then it doesn't matter what I'm doing. And if I am hurting someone, punish me the exact same way you would punish a neurotypical for the same thing. Don't kick me out of a major trip with no re embursement for my volunteer work just because of my issue of being late, when other people in the club are just as irresponsible as I am, or worse. I am treated like a child yet held to higher standards than everyone else my age. I am so. damn. tired. of. it. I want justice for how I was treated. It's not right. To my fellow neurodivergents and allies, it is time to fight back. I should be able to get a diagnosis without dealing with discrimination. I deserve respect. I have the right to unmask. YOU have the right to unmask. WE have the right to unmask and we deserve respect whether we mask or not.

[sitapfalz]

Leah, your talk about autism masking is the most impactful video I have ever seen. I applaud you for your strength, vulnerability, and truth. I am a psychiatrist with a son who is autistic, and I have treated clients with ASD, not understanding their feelings. Through your video, I feel their struggle and their pain. My son is quiet and does not feel safe expressing himself; however, he has become more withdrawn over the years. How you describe how difficult it is to mask crossing the bridge to the neurotypical explains a lot. Shamefully, I admit I have uttered those painful words, "What's wrong with you?" I will be mindful of the damage those words can inflict on anyone. Thank you, Leah. You have and will continue to save countless lives.

[rrrqqqrrr]

just now discovering i’m autistic at 21 and that i’ve been masking my whole life. living in a physically and emotionally abusive household as a child really warps your perception of yourself and how you go about surviving. all my life i’ve been so tense. but now i know it’s not my fault that i’m so sensitive and i’m not weird or annoying, but beautifully autistic <3

[kielaokaykay]

I am so confused. I have both fiercely been my authentic self, and at 49 trying to unmask. It turns into weird things like asking my therapist if I can hit myself in the head with a ruler during our session just because it feels good, and then massive shame and fear of acting weird. So much to unpack and unmask. Thank you for your story.