Autistic and NeuroDivergent Masking - Help! I Don't Know How to Unmask

Hey humans Lyric here.

So this week I am going to be talking a bit more about NeuroDivergent masking and Autistic masking, and why taking the mask off is not necessarily something that is a simple process.

We say, "oh, take the mask off" but a lot of people are then left asking, "but how do I take this mask off? I'm not even sure where I end and the mask begins because I've been masking for so long."

People is me, but I've also heard other people ask similar questions, and because I have heard this question asked many times, we're going to dive into it this week. If you are at all interested, please do stay tuned.

Patreon members, Facebook Subscribers, and YouTube channel members had access to this video on October 15, 2021. The video’s public release will be November 17, 2021.

It's important that we all understand, that as Autistic People, there is not a unified autistic experience. We all have different opinions and very different experience, and I think it's great to share those things.

If you're a NeuroTypical watching, remember that this is just my experience as a NeuroDivergent Person.

Hopefully, this video will inspire other NeuroDivergent People to share their experiences as well, how they relate, and maybe even do not relate in the comments below.

I encourage you to listen to, and read, as many Autistic experiences as possible to best understand Autistic People.

I would LOVE to see more Autism vlogs by #ActuallyAutistic People.

On the web:

[jameegrace]

After masking for 50 years I really have no idea what is authentic and what is a mask. I don't know how to take it off. It is helpful to know that even 5 years after discovery you are still figuring it out. I've known for less than a year. Thank you for sharing this. It's very helpful!!

[LucidLeSpook]

I smile constantly even when im not happy because i was taught early on that that is preferred by others. Its expected for women and girls to do it. I hate it and im working on not doing it unless i actually am happy. Sexism in autism....

[Studioam]

For the longest time, every single time before I had to be in a group situation, I would stress over every detail of my appearance and even plan out my body language and speech. I would literally ask my partner before we left if I looked “normal” or if he thought I could blend in with this outfit/hair/nails/everything else. That was everyday life for me. I am only recently learning how to let my mask slip and be okay with that, and your videos have helped me so much with that. Thank you so much for all that you do! ♥️♥️♥️

[chamblissa]

I have Resting B*tch Face (RBF), so part of my masking is to try to not look so intimidating or angry. When we started wearing physical masks once the panini came around, I found that existing in public was a little bit easier because my face was mostly hidden.

Months ago, my workplace decided to remove mandatory masks because it seemed that cases in our county were trending down. Since the earloops on the masks often trigger sensory overload for me, I was relieved at first to be unburdened.

However, I noticed that my ability to "fix my face" was no longer automatic. I was once again walking around as if no one could see my RBF. I had discarded that part of my ND mask in favor of a physical mask, and now found myself feeling exposed and naked, because there was no mask at all.

My workplace mask mandate ended up going back into effect a few weeks later, to my mixed disappointment and relief. Now I find myself thinking that if society is ever able to safely unmask, I just might not join them, not completely anyway (there is still the issue of the earloop sensory overload, so by then I'd have the option to remove it if it bothers me).

[DrLse]

Masking is so exhausting but I don't know how to stop. When I was younger I had to do it basically at all times due to my home life. Now even when I'm alone I put on this front and I have no idea who it's for anymore.

[Lorena-ehcl]

I recently found a great psychologist who lets me be myself, and it’s hard because unmasking leaves me feeling vulnerable. But it also feels freeing. I don’t have to force myself to stare into his eyes and I can stim freely. I’m also worried that by unmasking, I will let my guard down with others who _do_ judge, such as my family. My mother... if I so much as wince, she will scream at me. It’s hard.

[MikaylaBreno]

Thank you for making a video like this. It’s nice to confirm that the masks don’t come off in one layer. Not to mention to confirm that you don’t always realizing you’re masking out of ‘muscle memory’. I’ve been doing it since I was a child because of the household I grew up in, childhood trauma, and the type of people I grew up around. Just recently found out I was autistic in the past year. Been struggling to figure out how to get the masks off. Though looking back now, through the years I made my masks as me as possible without the autistic stimming, body movements, etc. Keeping as much as me even with some of what’s considered weird but not to the extent that I’d be alienated. I do slip up sometimes and then get those looks. Y’all know which looks I’m talking about. The ones that make you feel like you’re being dramatic, overreacting, or not a person at all. In the case of people you know, they look at you like ‘why did you act like that? You’ve never that before!’ Correction, never done that in front of people before lol 😂 but do it on my own when no one can see or hear me.

[Elianalivinglife]

It is so difficult, I am realizing that when I have unmasked as a child I was immediately told off not acting that way, so unmasking also opens up to a lot of childhood trauma, that needs to be dealt with it is a long process.

[kuibeiguahua]

When I learned I didn’t need to put on a face all the freaking time I finally became soooo relaxed I actually feel my brain cooling down

[MilliPidi]

I want to write this so I don’t forget… But you reminded me how my friend also pointed out how my voice changes around other people. I am glad that he said something.
So then it made me think, perhaps it would be better to be around other neurodivergent people.
And then I thought about how I still have a voice fluctuation difference from hanging out with my childhood best friend, who is also autistic.
We don’t speak anymore, and I still have carried how I would bond with her into other relationships that I am close with.
Perhaps, we learned to associate different body language (and voice patterns) with different situations.. and it’s not about “unmasking” and getting rid of anything we have used to adapt, but simply healing trauma and calming our nervous systems (through things like occupational therapy and play).
I think it’s still really awesome to be around neurodivergent people, because we usually pick up on things that are off, but in play, we can make silly expressions and it’s not about getting a message across or anything— but very genuine.
It’s still cool that people can point something out to us, and it sounds like it helped you realize you want to connect with a calm expression, but I bet you also learned something very valuable about facial expressions when you started implementing raising your eyebrows, too!

[DaBaSoftware]

Hi thanks for making this video. I just had my first ASD intake appointment and the impostor syndrome feelings are real. Even after years of acknowledging my stims I still find myself masking when I'm certain I'm completely alone. The last part you mentioned about it being a rediscovery process is incredibly validating. It's tough to relearn this, and it's hard not feeling like it's a manipulation. Thanks for sharing your experiences!

[davidrichards]

I like how you describe it as a partial process, not just mask or no mask. Atitude shift I am going to try.

[ErikAnkan]

I take it off as soon as I'm alone. Even if that is as soon as I walk out the door from work. And unimportant people in my life, background characters like desk clerks and strangers on the street, I don't mask. Because of that, the mask is not glued on 24/7 and I get confused on what's me and what's the mask.

[jcheri]

Good 2 know I'm not the only one accused of being on drugs. Feels like if I'm doing anything that feels too natural or peaceful to my brain then I know I've stepped out of line and need to put the mask back on, feels oppressive.

[NitaBonita]

The “but how”

I was diagnosed with Autism and ADHD at 29 years old! I don’t know who I am without it. I’ve been working on this for a year, and I can’t seem to find the mental space where I can unmask and be okay with it myself.

[DS-zoxs]

I love being alone with my dogs. They get all the weirdness 😂. And they still love me so win-win.

[andiWaphSC]

Hi, Lyric! I don’t know if you will be addressing this in your video, but I have a question.

How can masking look for an ADHD person?
I thought this term only applied to autistic folks, until I saw someone mention it in one of the ADHD groups I’m in.

Thanks for the work you do, and for helping me understand myself and other ND people better ♥️

[Nodsbane]

I have dentures and they needed to repair them recently and wow the amount of people calling me a tweaker and being mean to me was crazy. It's why I mask basically, because people are hella mean and call you a drug addict when you're even a tad different.

[abigailsanderson]

Omg me too, im always afraid ill get arrested for nothing because i looked at a cop lol. Its her get her!😂

[alderoth]

I got my diagnosis a couple of weeks ago. I'm stuck at this point. I don't know what to do.