The True Cost Of Autistic Masking (Damaging Effects Of Unconscious Masking)

What is the true cost of autistic masking? Is unmasking really necessary? For autistic people, masking can become a useful skill that lets us blend in and sometimes even do very well in society. However, this mask takes energy to create and eventually becomes a barrier that hides our authentic selves. So the question is, what is the ultimate price we pay? What is the true cost of masking?

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👋Welcome to Autism From The Inside!!!

If you're autistic or think you or someone you love might be on the autism spectrum, this channel is for you!
I'm Paul Micallef, and I discovered my own autism at age 30.

Yes, I know, I don't look autistic. That's exactly why I started this channel in the first place because if I didn't show you, you would never know.

Autism affects many (if not all!) aspects of our lives, so on this channel, I want to show you what Autism looks like in real people and give you some insight into what's happening for us on the inside. We'll break down myths and misconceptions, discuss how to embrace autism and live well, and share what it's like to be an autistic person.

Join me as I share what I've found along my journey, so you don't have to learn it the hard way.

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Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoy my channel!

Peace,

~ Paul

#autism #asd #autismawareness

[flexico]

“She had blue skin, And so did he.
He kept it hid, And so did she.
They searched for blue
Their whole life through,
Then passed right by--
And never knew.”

― Shel Silverstein, Every Thing on It

[olgayou]

Trying to unmask is like trying to get myself to pee my pants in public. Like yeah I can technically do it but it feels so wrong and everything in me is fighting it.

[kathryncunliffe]

“There is something wrong with me that I can’t let people see” this is how i have always lived my life

[squidge]

As a 40 yr old late diagnosed female professional, when I was assessed the psychologist said I was one of the highest masking autistics he'd ever assessed. It's contributed to severe anxiety, frequent burnout and a major dissociative disorder. I am now changing my whole career and life to not have to mask as much as it's so automatic I can't just 'drop it'.

[christofthedead]

The very first thing I was told during my first psychologist appointment after receiving my autistic diagnosis at 38y.o. was "you have a personal responsibility to mask around other people so you don't make them feel uncomfortable". She followed this up with claiming to have the ability to read people via their body language (pseudoscience), "the problem with autistic people is" (strap yourselves in) they need to learn human behaviour like AI's learn maths (just plain ignorant ableism), ptsd triggers were because "autistic people lack theory of mind" (pseudoscience) & "cancel culture" (conspiracy theory). She got super angry when I challenged her on any of this misinformation & refuted it with claims to authority (she has professional training & I don't). It took 6+ months to build the courage to see that psychologist, and it's taken me over a year to recover from it.
Thanks Paul, for reminding me that autistic people are not broken things that need fixing. We are human beings who benefit from compassion & understanding. We thrive when we are enabled to be our authentic selves, just like everyone else

[LostRhodes]

I didn't realize I masked until I was trying to figure out why all my relationships failed. I surveyed all my friends and family and they all said the same thing. They said that I always changed who I was to best suit the person I was with. That I wasn't being myself. And I had a thought like, "Well, who the hell is that?" When I looked inside myself, all I saw were masks. Just masks all the way down. And I was really afraid if I took them all off, there would be nothing underneath. I took them off by accident. By writing down stories from my life. Really honest stories. And through writing my stories, I came to understand who I was. And now I can't seem to fit the old masks on anymore. Not that I'd want to. And I'm finding I have to make big changes in my life because my life was designed to facilitate the mask. Not me. And now I'm really in a pickle.

[zigzag]

I found out I was autistic/adhd when I was 37. I'd been keeping up a mask on and off. A few things I found are that; 1) Masking is exhausting. It's like having a fragile origami swan in your hand and having to pay attention to not crush it. If I was working an 8 hour shift I would run out of energy by hour five or six. When I started dating it was full mask at first, but my long-term relationships slowly saw more and more mask-off, until those relationships crumbled. 2) People are bothered when the mask slips off. They don't like when I get hyper-excited about a specific topic. They don't like when I completely tune out things that don't interest me. It really does feel like the authentic, inner self, is somehow wrong or broken compared to other people. 3) My mask off oddities were more acceptable when I was younger. The older I get, the more people act hostile when I say what I really think or feel.

[autisticexpressiongenx]

I am 47 I just realized I m autistic and my masking abilities are failing and meltdowning is in a cycle with exhaustion. I'm going to make it because of troops like u bro!

[Mandrake_root]

One thing I started doing when I wanted to unmask was deliberately stim around my friends. I noticed that when I was home with my family I would sing to myself out loud all the time, but I never did that around my friends.
I pretty much started trying out new stims too. Got new stim toys, started consciously rocking back and forth, etc.
Since I had heard that stims are for emotional regulation, I figured that stimming around friends would make me feel more relaxed enough to unmask in different ways. Them not making me feel awkward for stimming was like a sort of acceptance that helped me trust them more.

Since unmasking I havent feared someone hating the “real me” in a long time.

[Onthethlife]

My real me was rejected constantly as a child, as a teenager, and as an adult. It had to be cut away from me "don't do that, why are you like that, can't you do anything right". Any time I struggled and talked about it I was given denial, reduction of my experiences, and in some cases complete rejection "there are people who have it worse" even when I gave them support, acceptance, and confirmation.

Learning I'm autistic and ADHD has just shown in sharp relief how much discrimination I've had against me, how much support I haven't had and how much I needed.

[clicheguevara]

I’m so naturally good at masking that I was 39 when I finally found out that I’m autistic. By that time, I had already developed full blown C-PTSD from decades of masking and feeling “broken”. Oddly, I had already actually stopped masking in my early 30s. I didn’t even know what masking was. I just knew that I couldn’t keep “faking it” for other people’s comfort.

Nowadays, I’ll only mask if it’s entirely appropriate - and it’s by choice, not out of desperation. I’m still trying to find balance though. Some days I’m so not up for masking that I’ll stay in my room just to avoid 30 seconds of small talk with my roommate. That’s more C-PTSD than autism though.

[jonahmeininger]

Everytime I watch your videos I feel so at home and accepted. Like everything I am thinking is not just in my head, but also exists in the real world and in other people. I am so very grateful to have found this channel, because it washes away my doubts and makes me stronger everytime.

When you are late diagnosed it brings so many different problems 😢 I was unconsciously forced to mask by people around me because I was scolded or looked at funny when I was a certain way so I made EVERYTHING to be an amazing selfless person and worked so hard to make people around me very confortable! I am 27 years old diagnosed 8 months ago and I am severly burnt out today! I can’t even go to the grocery store without being confused, overstimulated and emotional… It’s awful I am literally disabled… Trying to study and then work like neurotypicals because I was expected to… If we new I was autistic my family would’ve been less demanding on myself I wouldn’t have been forced to do things at school and college. It would’ve been okay for me to work 15 hours a weeks instead of 30… I would be totally okay today…. Undiagnosed autism is really something 😢

[carenj]

I've experienced panic attacks, episodes of depression, and social isolation in my life. When I discovered I had autism, everything started to make sense. I realized that the intense effort I had put into masking had made life incredibly challenging. Now that I have my diagnosis, I've begun the process of unmasking, starting with my home, and I'm trying to establish boundaries with my family. I've found that I am much happier now, and my life is gradually starting to make sense. Thank you for your video; it has been truly helpful.

[smicketysmoo]

I think masking is generally more of an issue for the later discovered autistics, like myself. Not knowing for most of your life that you were ASD "encouraged" us to develop strategies to fit into a NT world when we felt that we couldn't otherwise. These start instinctively, but - I believe - we become more aware and strategic about their employment as we get older.

[Vagabond]

I never liked crowds, or loud noises, was always the loner at school who couldn't make real connections or hold conversations about things I don't like or find pointless. I can't understand the appeal of social gatherings and they stress me out immensely. I was never diagnosed, though, I'm still not at 26 yrs old.

But, due to my job in education, I learned to "fake" social skills and how to please people, look approachable, etc. Students and colleagues actually really like me, I'm one of the most popular teachers. But it is all so, so very draining. By the end of a workday I always feel completely exhausted and want to disappear into my room at home. Some of my colleagues have asked me in the past to hang out with them in my own free time, I try to find excuses not to go. Being social already feels like a massive chore, I don't need to do it in my free time, too.

I honestly wish I could find a romantic interest who is like me. I don't want to have to force myself to be something I'm not in my private life, too. I feel like it is even more difficult for women, because society doesn't generally expect us to be aloof or socially awkward. What is even my real personality? I feel like I never get to just let go and feel comfortable around other people.

[InsideAut]

I was diagnosed in early 2020 and before that I did not understand what masking is or that I'm doing it. But I was very well aware that something was draining my energy every day. Now that I discovered that I am autistic, I found out that I mask very intensely. But unfortunately my masking isn't really convincing in the NT world. So basicly I put much energy in masking just to mask ineffectively. Not a good combination 😅

I think, masking and unmasking are very important topics, we can not talk enough about in our videos 😊

[adoreeternal]

I find not being able to be my authentic self exhausting.

[johngagon]

Masking used to make me immediate friends, for maybe a month. That friendship turned to bullying a few months later. It's impossible to keep up expectations when you set the bar high. I think anyone who has had to get by living without supports will get it. Thank you for sharing your experiences, although different, they line up.

[NautilusMusic]

i can never tell if im masking or being myself until later on when im relaxing on my own and i think back and go "man i put so much energy into that".
i kinda "fake it till i make it" with my social confidence and so when i am a bit weird, people take it like im just confident rather than having no idea what im doing socially.
it seems to work for me, but im highly introverted, so it takes so much energy to be that way.