LIMERENCE: To Heal Obsession, Heal Wounds of Neglect

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People whose childhood emotional needs were neglected are often drawn into "limerant" relationships -- an infatuation or obsession with someone unavailable, uninterested, or unknown to you. This consuming kind of love (that gives nothing back) can devastate your happiness and leave you chronically isolated. In this video I answer a letter from a woman who has loved a man she barely knows for years. Find out how to spot the signs of limerence, and what you can do to heal.
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[megnelli]

LIMERENCE: When there is nothing left, retreat into your own imagination to survive. It's like the body fueling itself with its own fat once you run out of outside nourishment.

[Mary-oyoe]

"Everything bad I've ever done, everything dysfunctional I ever did, I did because I needed love, and I was lonely, " was such a powerful statement. Resonated with me so much. Thank you.

[malwinabambi]

THIS PART HIT ME HARD .. -
You are protecting yourself and find it safer to be in a fantasy of future love vs the difficulty of actual relationship/ love.

[ChatMort]

Limerence has essentially defined my life. I think it’s also a form of escapism for me.

[clairewillow]

The worst is when the person keeps giving you just enough hope to keep obsessing. Feels so good when you finally move on

[askrhonnie]

Limerance causes you to constantly ask if that person likes you. You want to be accepted and seen so badly. But in healthy dating, you need to ask if YOU even like THEM, And not just the idea of them).

[homestylegravy]

"Set yourself free from any hope in this relationship, so you can have hope in real relationships" 👌

[myrawest]

Wow. I just discovered the word Limerence. Mind blown. This is the defining thing in my life. My life revolves around romantic obsession and fantasy

[shreyabose]

I have been in the grip of romantic obsession for as long as I can remember....until now.

I'm 30, and I have been working on my inner self since 23. My romantic life has largely been marked by limerence. I would become obsessed with people even before I got to know them. And, for the longest time, I had no control.

Long story short, at 30, I've finally released some of the trauma, the love-deprivation and emotional reactivity. Now that I am not as wounded, my romantic obsession is literally GONE. I am no longer waiting for a romantic attachment to come and "fix" that "hurt". I am honestly just chilling.

This feeling of completeness and okayness feels better than any relationship ever did. I feel enough.

Hold on. Keep doing the work. You'll find this good feeling, and then you'll wonder why you ever thought you weren't enough.

[sar.c]

A personal milestone in my healing: choosing to watch Anna’s videos on limerence instead of a “what are his true hidden feelings for you” pick-a-card tarot video.

edit: omg it means so much to me to see so many others relating & is so encouraging to keep it up, shifting my focus on a positive relationship with self versus obsessively looking for updates as a self-soothing mechanism for when the savior I have always needed is going to come for me — by that logic, however, keeping me from healing in order to need rescuing & keep that hope from a wounded place (& the wound itself) alive. Thank you to Anna & all of you <3

[sam-k]

I would like to point out the following:
1- People who have narcissist parents are mostly attracted to narcissists, so please do not follow your gut feelings,
2- Give any love relationship a time for at least 6 months before you engage deeper, because the world is full of toxic people who really can cheat anybody and they are perfect actors/ actresses.
3- A good man who is really worthy would treat you like you are the future mother of his children, or the future wife, he will respect you and make value to you, he would naturally act this way if he really loves you.
4- Please be aware of quick relationships, pushy men, ghosting, and other narcissistic signs.
5- Too good to be true is a big red flag.
The above applies to both men and women.
So, just do not rush things, and do not be so quick to trust anybody. Trust is a very valuable thing. It can cost you a lot, alot more than you think.

[oliviatavistock]

I ended up marrying the first man who was a bit kind to me. He turned out to be emotionally unavailable, uninterested in me and allowed his parents to send me hatemail. We are still married, but it's a shell of a marriage. I wish I had had good quality therapy before getting married. A loveless marriage is a slow death.

[DenkyManner]

It's astonishing to me how the letter writer was simultaneously trapped in her delusion and consciously aware of it. She named what was wrong with her and provided evidence and yet was still convinced a relationship with a total stranger was possible. We are a strange lot, humans.

[floozy]

Thank you. I definitely need to apply this to myself. Ladies, being delulu is not the solulu.

[SaraMCap]

I get stuck in patterns of limerence. It’s all consuming. It’s so so so awful. I lose touch with myself and I feel guilt about the thoughts about this other person, thinking they would maybe treat me the way i want and reach me emotionally. Thank you for making this. Having a name more it will help me remember this is a trauma response from my childhood. I became obsessed with the idea of romantic partners very early in childhood and I often found peace escaping into daydreams about being so connected with another person-like it was us against the world. Now in my early thirties, I have never found that level of connection and I think it’s because…not that it doesn’t exist, but I don’t even have that connection with myself. Long road ahead to heal this :/

[carolmoger]

Most of my friendships and relationships have been a fantasy. I was serious!y neglected and abused as a child. I didn't know what love looked like. I didn't know what a real friendship looked like. This is the first time I have heard about limerance. Thank you for explaining this!

[Yukai-epdv]

Straight to the point, no sugar-coating, yet a lot of empathy, the best.

[albarossel]

When you find yourself thinking about them and the obsession is too consuming, I invite you to feel the pain (boredom, lonelyness, rejection, shame) you are trying to scape by been hight on them

[NettieKay]

My issue was a man could show me even a little attention and love (even if it wasn’t real love) and we became intimate I would fall hard and fast. It opened me up to narcissistic toxic men, aka f-boys. It was a hard lesson to learn and even to this day I have a tendency to fall prey to narcissistic friendships because they’re good at love bombing and when you’re in a sort of drought and they give you a sip of water, it feels so good. I’m love and attention starved and because of my upbringing have never felt good enough. It’s very hard.

[daveimus]

Having C-PTSD, I experienced limerences until my mid-fifties, when I was in therapy. Now I believe limerences are the continuation of an unsatisfied biological drive we all have as infants and toddlers to attach to a primary caregiver. Would love to hear the thoughts of others on this.

BTW, when I learned to empathize with myself, my limerences quietly ended.