Why It Feels Like The Person YOU CAN’T HAVE Can Make You Happy

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Infatuation with someone you can't have, when it becomes overpowering enough, is called "limerence." It produces a fantasy that helps you escape what is tedious or sad in your life. But the addictive thoughts can only drain your energy and harm your real-life relationships. In this video I respond to a letter from a woman who has fallen in love with a caregiver who comes to the house to help her ailing husband. Find out what steps I teach to overcome limerence and restore fulfillment and happiness to life.
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[sadiaarman]

" For people who were traumatised as kids, real, mutual love can be hard to find, and hard to appreciate when you have it. But the need for joy and love is always there, and this is the little crack in reality where limerence gets in. Limerence is addiction or infatuation with someone you can" t have. Its more than a crush. Its an addictive escape thought that you go to, and that you use to deal with the loneliness and lack of joy and purpose in your life. "

[itsybitsy]

I'm doing it since I was a teenager. This is the only way I can "feel" something because I am alone all the time. I keep getting "obsessed" with people I don't know and I keep idealising them. I can't stop. It's always "someone" in my head, some fantasy. I can't live without doing it, i would be probably eaten by the emptiness and loneliness of my life.

[ErikaEmody]

“Limerance brings up a Vision of who you might be”. 💯💯💯

[luisa]

Limerence is crazy making. No matter how many times he showed me that he was not who my limerent brain wanted him to be, I would still pine. Rationality couldn't reach the feelings, and I felt like this person was my last shot at happiness.

[tomrd]

Limerence is absolutely a special kind of hell. Still haven't figure out how to beat it.

[cici]

Personally, I feel that limerence is just another form of magical thinking where the sufferer is desperately trying to seek out excitement that real relationships simply don’t provide. Subconsciously we all have an inner compass that guides us and can sense when someone’s unavailable and the unhealthy response to that is to form an attachment. Since that wishful relationship can likely never be realized, the sufferer now has creative license to make this person whoever or whatever they want them to be with no risk of discovering otherwise. Then the endorphins start rushing in and that feels good with the “what ifs” and the chasing and the “some day”s and the lack of responsibility of a real relationship. With the added benefit of having a very convenient excuse for why the person is rejecting them; it’s not personal, it’s because they’re unavailable. Until the inevitable fall and reality slap that it’s never going to happen and then the person feels rejected hence enhancing their trauma. It’s really just a way that the unfulfilled seek fulfillment and end up feeling even more isolated. I dunno, this is the conclusion I’ve come to though.

[tahitihawaiiblue]

Limerance is like eating dessert three times a day and desperately trying to lose weight.

[tanieshapostsaboutthings]

As an adopted person, I'm now recognizing that limerence is the big bad wolf I've been struggling with most of my life...and the entire time I've been in romantic relationships. Every time I get any sense of safety with someone, I get in limerence with someone else. The safety feels dangerously unsafe to me. I'm scared I'm gonna lose them again the way I lost my birthmother. The limerence is a much safer feeling of attachment for me than the very real one in front of me that causes global panic in my body.

[ladyofspa]

I often wonder the feelings are not about the other at all. It's about what you yearn within for yourself. It's the self asking you to get it that joy, love, worth. Not about the other at all they are the mirror.

[Nan-Elle]

Can I just mention as a massage therapist, I learned that at times back pain (muscular) can improve with strengthening of the abdominal muscles.

[lowings]

'How could you help but fall for someone who brings the goodness' - It is quite wonderful if I am honest about it. This is why when we're in a vulnerable state we need to be extra careful about our emotional health.

[mintyhippo]

I used to have a big problem with limerance where I would invest so much in the idea of someone that I wouldn’t even listen when they told me they weren’t interested (and I didn’t know how to handle that lol)

Now, since I practiced that so much in my life in my friendships and relationships, it comes very naturally to me. Even though I don’t get limerant for people in my life as much, now I kinda get limerant for celebrities. … and, I know I can’t get hurt by that being fake/imagined because I know I will likely never meet them (and I’m not thinking they love me back or anything lol)

I know that distracts me from finding my own happiness, but I do sometimes get very invested in just pretending so that I get happier when I’m lonely. … like, just pretending they are my friend lol

I know that is sad, but my brain is just so good at comforting me with imagination that it is hard to stop… it’s hard to know why it’s bad even though I know it’s not good for me.

I know it’s artificial, but happy is happy….

… is this too depressing? 😅

[msdeb]

Your reference to Mary Poppins made me choke on my tea. When I was a child, a neighbor took me to see that movie along with her kids and I daydreamed myself into that movie for the next few years. I wanted so badly for someone to take care of me, that I was obsessed with a movie at 7 years old. I see why now, so thank you.

[YinYanka]

I've found that back pain also can be sign of serious lack of support in life. The same way the spine is supposed to support the erect body

[bobleglob]

Over 1K views in less than hour. CCF is killin it. And apparently limerance is not uncommon. glad I'm not suffering alone.

[christinelinden]

I lost my husband 6 years ago. I'm in great shape, but can't connect with another man except on a limerant level. This was so helpful to me. Must stop looking for ways to see that one guy who checks every box except one...he's not interested in me.

[martine]

Louise Hayes’s book “Heal your life” first explained the emotional and psychological link with physical symptoms.

[asab]

Learning about limerance is mindblowing to me. As a kid i would get it so intensely for female teachers, movie stars and musicians. I would have such intense aching fantasies about being taken away, cared for and loved by these people.

[JinJinDoe]

I love your phrase at the end that limerence gives us the vision of the version of yourself that you want to achieve. I felt that I have so much potential to be the best version of myself during my limerent phase.

[toscadonna]

You can always just enjoy the crush, knowing that it’s all in your head, and eventually it will fade. I’ve never had a crush like me back, and that’s fine. Having an imaginary relationship/friend in your head can keep you from constantly feeling miserable. I don’t see anything wrong with having a crush if you don’t act upon it. It can help you get thru a tough time.