'Handling Disrespect and Abuse From Your Adult Alienated Child' Dr. Joshua Coleman

Most parents have a hard enough time with their child’s alienation, without having to endure abuse from the child. While no one is completely immune to the effects of verbal abuse, our children probably have more power than anyone to make us feel helpless, hopeless, guilt-ridden, and depressed. This is because our children are the people in whom we’ve invested the greatest amount of love, time, and money and for whom we have had the highest hopes of being loved in return.

​In addition, most if not all parents get their self-esteem as parents from how their children treat them. If their children are loving and respectful, most parents feel not only proud of their children’s behavior, but proud of the reflection that the adult child holds up to them as parents. Alienated parents are deprived of this mirror and have to work much harder to maintain their self-esteem and psychological balance.

For those with children whose lives haven’t gone well, the parent has the double sorrow of worry about the child, and guilt and sorrow that there isn’t the closeness with that child that they assumed would be there at this point in their lives.

In this webinar we’ll learn why alienated adult children behave in disrespectful and abusive ways, how to best respond whey they do.

Dr. Coleman is a psychologist in private practice in the San Francisco Bay Area and a Senior Fellow with the Council on Contemporary Families, a non-partisan organization of leading sociologists, historians, psychologists and demographers dedicated to providing the press and public with the latest research and best practice findings about American families.
He has written for The New York Times, The Atlantic, NBC THINK, The Behavioral Scientist, CNN, MarketWatch, the San Francisco Chronicle, Greater Good Magazine, AEON, Huffington Post, Psychology Today and more. He has given talks to the faculties at Harvard, the Weill Cornell Department of Psychiatry and other academic institutions. A frequent guest on the Today Show and NPR he has also been featured on Sesame Street, 20/20, Good Morning America, PBS, America Online Coaches, and numerous news programs for FOX, ABC, CNN, and NBC television.

He is the author of numerous articles and chapters and has written four books: The Rules of Estrangement (Random House); The Marriage Makeover: Finding Happiness in Imperfect Harmony (St. Martin's Press); The Lazy Husband: How to Get Men to Do More Parenting and Housework (St. Martin's Press); When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don't Get Along (HarperCollins)

He is the co-editor, along with historian Stephanie Coontz of seven online volumes of Unconventional Wisdom: News You Can Use, a compendium of noteworthy research on the contemporary family, gender, sexuality, poverty, and work-family issues.

His books have been translated into Chinese, Korean, Russian, Polish, and Croatian.

​He is the co-editor, along with historian Stephanie Coontz of seven online volumes of Unconventional Wisdom: News You Can Use, a compendium of noteworthy research on the contemporary family, gender, sexuality, poverty, and work-family issues.

Dr Coleman also writes music for film and television. His music has been featured on Lethal Weapon, Chicago Fire, Chicago PD, Longmire, Shameless, Keeping Up With the Kardashians, Fresh Off the Boat, Supergirl, Mistresses, Hustlers, RuPaul's Drag Race and many more.

[OwenNDawe]

As a parent I found the years of trying to keep the family together the most painful and hurtful. It's the constant snubbing, never being able to be good enough or able to do enough for family members. Forever saying sorry. Forever being forgiving became totally taxing mentally and physically. Four generations, grandparent, parent, siblings then finally adult children, years of joy stolen. Now finally the lid has blown off. Relief, peace and bliss. Hopefully at 82 I can now spend the rest of my life at peace with God and His creation. No more going without and tippy toeing about to please everybody's sensitivities.

[ms.fabulous]

You can't communicate with an abusive person.

[janettepolt]

I can't believe so many people are going through this. At work, I hear co-workers talking about how wonderful their kids are and how they're visiting them all the time. I guess I'm odd man out-I get nothing but grief from my kids. I haven't seen my son in 6 years and now, I no longer want to have anything to do with my daughter. I won't let her hurt me again. Thank you so much for getting back to me. And thanks for helping so many others. I hate to admit it but it's a relief that I'm not alone in this.

[sandratankersley]

Wow!!!! Did not realize so many elderly are going through the same verbal abuse. It helps to know my situation is not isolated. Bless all that are suffering in this manner at a time when life is so challenging at best.

[jusjeany]

some treat you with only contempt and disrespect yet demand you still "parent" them unconditionally with resources, support, rescuing and enabling

[DianaCarolinaGirl]

From my experience the best thing to do is leave them alone and eventually they will come back if they are ever going to. Mine did once we went on with our lives, the more you try to beg them and show emotion the worse they will get.

[lisamayo]

I don't want reconciliation with my kids. They are good to others, have good careers but they are mean and disrespectful to me. I don't even know who they are but I don't want this in my life. (I've suggested counseling for all but they refused)

[abigailoneill]

I was distraught for years. Went to and still in counseling. The gatekeeper daughter in law has literally poisoned my son. I blamed myself for years, have opened my eyes to the disrespect and the twisting of words and taking every word out of context. It gets to the point where the shame is so bad you consider your options: suicide or agree to let go of your adult child. The most painful thing I’ve ever been through. Thank you so much for your advice. All I can do is listen, learn and try.

[rabiakeeble]

There is nobody who hasn't made a mistake. Kids who "over punish" their parents are really people who choose to act out. My mom wasn't perfect, I never mistreated her

[Bella]

It is horrifying to be estranged from my daughter. I have grandchildren I’m missing out on …what a huge shame! I feel badly about anyone feeling what I feel!

[susangray]

I handle it by not speaking to them. My life is finally peaceful ❤

[margaretnorris]

When my children started getting abusive with me, both verbally and physically, I got a dog. I like the dog. She never allows anyone to hurt me. And she doesn’t hurt me.
The children were never really ‘mine’, they are Gods children. The children have free agency. I did what I could and to the very best of my ability to raise the children well. Either they were a total waste of time or they are going to work for good one day. Not my call.
I like my dog.

[ingenuity]

Soneone said having their daughter was the best thing to happen to them. That's what most parents think when they have newborn babies. Not in their wildest dreams would they think their children will treat them badly....unfortunately.

[MsJamieburns]

The only time I heard from my son was for money or babysitting. After some horrendous abusive behavior from my step grand daughter I spoke out. I was told I was lying, and was booted from their life. Thank you God… so much better.

[angelaweber]

After ten years of the icy hell of total estrangement, I suddenly developed a serious cardiac condition called tokotsubo cardiomyopathy, also known as "broken heart syndrome." This condition can be fatal, and in my case was solely due to the grief and stress of having alienated adult children. I made every conciliatory effort, but the silence was total. I finally decided to respond by disinheriting them. I should not reward them for their emotionally abusive conduct.

[christinecanavan]

The foul language directed at me was too much. After several years I was positive that i did not love this side of my boys. The boys i loved dont exist anymore. My grandkids I missed terribly but i still adore them and prayed they would come to me when they were older. I moved out of state and had no toxic people to harass me. I was healing. Happy New Year to everyone and wishing you peace in your heart and mind.❤

[anitawelsh]

Thank you for this. You are right, I never spoke to my parents like I'm spoken to by my adult children.

[merrymary]

I am a parent in the same boat. My daughters were happy and we were such a close loving family until they graduated from University. They became complete strangers, they went from loving me to hating me and when I asked them what I did wrong, they couldn't even find an answer, which leaves me NO closure. They walked away from me in 2020 with no contact, not even for special occasions. I spent so much time trying to contact them to tell them I love them and all I got in return was they blocked me from all platforms and means of contact.

[bonniegamez]

You have no idea how comforting you lecture is. I’ve struggled for over 30 years with a broken relationship with my daughter. It started after her father and I divorced and she married at 19 to a very young self righteous young man who blamed me for the breakup of the marriage. For years I’ve been shut out of major events and now I’m in my 70s and time is so short. Your insight has freed me from a lot of guilt for things I have no idea what I did. I’m sure I Wasn’t perfect but I see no path for reconciliation.

[Rebel]

I chose you when I was raising you....Now
I choose me.
It's complicated grief..
Don't get stuck in anger or bitterness.
You can be estranged and have a wonderful life. It's a choice and decision to move forward and offer your adult child unconditional love and grace.